Sunday, July 25, 2010

It's Here!

It arrived about a week ago.

I had it delivered to my sister's house.

I thought it would be mailed in a box, wrapped in plain brown paper. You know, kind of like when you order something naughty from one of those sex magazines, er, or so I've been told. hee-hee

But no. It arrived like this.

So all the world can see.

Oh, I fell for it all right. Hook, line and credit card.

For those of you who may be living under a rock and don't know what "ZUMBA" is, it is an exercise routine to Latin music.

I am so gullible. I was flipping channels one day, and I was pulled in. I watched all these beautiful women showing off their abs, sweating their, well, ABS, off, and SMILING while they were dancing. Granted, they were probably PAID for this endorsement, but they did look happy.

Here's the problem. I'm a fat white chick with no rhythm who can't dance a lick.

But there are DVD's people! Three in fact!

And two (count 'em, 2!) sticks to shake while dancing!

C'mon, doesn't that make you want to shake your thang?

There were testimonials from fat women who lost inches off their waist, dropped dress sizes, etc. Here's what I'm thinking.

If they can do it, why can't I? They had to start somewhere, right? They probably had all the aches and pains that I do and the lack of exercise in their daily life.

So I'm going to give it a try.

Even if it kills me.

Okay, I'm back. I watched the 60 minute Basic Steps video.

I lasted 20 minutes.

It started out easy enough. They give you the name of the dance, show it to you in regular motion, then take you step-by-step through the dance slowly. If it's a two part dance, using your arms and legs, they'll show you first the steps with your legs, then add the arms part.

Easy peasy, right?

Welllll...... somewhat. The first 20 minutes weren't too bad. But here are some of the problems I ran into:

1) okay - I live in a trailer - my space is LIMITED - AND carpeted. This seems to be a no-no. It is NOT easy to slide across the floor in dance moves. I looked a little spastic. I don't need ANY help in that department.

2) My house moves when I jump around. This is not good.

3) I have bad feet. Fallen arches, flat feet, whatever. I wore my gym shoes, but still had pain running along the bottom of my feet, even when STANDING THERE DOING NOTHING. This, also, is not good. (This probably means a trip to a podiatrist for much needed inserts for my shoes.)

4) Some moves call for "sticking your chest out". This is dangerous. I am top-heavy. I am afraid of falling over.

5) It's intimidating to watch these three skinny babes up there shaking their groove thang, with their belly buttons winking at me. Can't they at least have one fat chick dancing to prove it can be done?

6) Between stopping to cough, and praying that a little pee wouldn't escape when jumping around, I have a long way to go before looking like this.

Things I learned:

1) The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be.

2) When the instructors say, "Give me some flavor", it has a whole different meaning from The Cooking Channel. It means "move those hips!" and "move those shoulders!" to the beat of the music. Make exaggerated movements.

3) This is the first time I wished I was Latino. Maybe I'd have more rhythm. And I'd be able to say more than, "Yo tango le chuga en mis pantaloonas!" (translates to: I have lettuce in my pants.)

4) An HOUR of dance steps is overwhelming. I'll watch the 20 minute basic video to see which dance steps it involves and see if I can get by with what I learned. Otherwise, I'll be studying the dance moves video for awhile. It doesn't matter since no one is watching me and it's still exercise.

If I still think I can't "ZUMBA", what's the worse that can happen?

I sell the whole thing on e-Bay and get less than what I paid for it?


misslynda said...

GOOD for YOU starting an exercise routine that sounds like it will be FUN! I truly understand how you feel about not being able to get through it all and it making body parts ache just thinking about some of it. But the dancing stuff sounds like fun. (My husband and I took 3 of the 4 dance classes at the Y and failed!) You are right that you can sell them but I hope they give you fun first. Another good one is "Walk the Walk" with Leslie Sansone. You don't need as much space for this one. Get the DVD with 2 complete workouts - the 1 mile and the 2 mile. Whatever you do, keep going till you find something you love.

Missy said...

I want to see you shaking those sticks! Make us a video! I get tired just watching the infomercials!

Eva Gallant said...

From one gray mare to another...sell the things before you hurt yourself! lol

Brian Miller said...

this is definitly in need of a video! smiles.

Sunny said...

Well my laugh muscles sure got a work out! Your way with words crack me up!
It sounds like it would be more fun to do with a few other people than by yourself. You need a ZUMBA party!
☼ Sunny

Joann Mannix said...

Against my better judgement, I was talked into taking a Zumba class at my Y. I have no coordination. None.And this was never more apparent during that awful class, when I fell down. Yes. Fell down.

I do a great video called The Bar. It's based on ballet and no, you don't have to dance. All you need is a chair and an elastic cord, easily found at Walmart in the fitness department. It's very low impact, but you will definitely feel the results.

Gail said...

This me know how well it works.

So far the only dress size I can drop is when one falls off the hanger.

Rae said...

I'm tired just thinking of all that moving and dancing. No way I could do it. With my balance problems, I would be on head over heels in no time. Good luck getting your Zumba groove on. I hope you are successful.

Anonymous said...

Bravo to you for giving it a go!

the cough and pee made me snort, yiou are such a hoot ;)

Anonymous said...


Cheeseboy said...

An hour?! That is stinking long! INSANE!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

oh my - that was hysterical! you sound like me (except i'm not in a trailer) cause i have no rhythm either. throw in only one balance nerve, and you have a recipe for disaster!

good for you for starting to "get in touch" with your latino side. hehehe!

Tina said...

LOL. LOVED the humor you put into this. This no longer slender middle aged chick really related to what you said. And nice to meet you, thanks for stopping by at Life is Good.

for a different kind of girl said...

Oh! I've been wanting to get this! My mom suggested I just go to the YMCA and give a class a try, but I think I actually burned 1,000 calories laughing at her idea, because hell no, I'm not taking all this uncoordinated action into public before I have the moves down!

becky said...

I've always wanted to learn how to dance, but I'm completely uncoordinated. Looks like fun, though!
But, yes... probably hard to do in your trailer. I Like your label for this post...

Ed said...

Stick with it. Exercise only gets easier the more you do it. Heard good stuff about Zumba too.

Jientje said...

Zumba sounds very appealing to me too, because I really LOVE to dance, but still ... I think it LOOKS a lot easier than it really is!

Valerie said...

A cutback of chips sounds easier. Heehee I am prevented by shoulder pain to take on this interesting (interesting?) choice of dieting. Ooo Pat, your humour is incredible, you're a real tonic.

*LLUVIA* said...

I love Zumba!!! Stick to the easy steps. Make up the ones you can't do!!! :)

If you do sell it...THINK OF ME!!!

I've been doing Zumba out of youtube!

Bossy Betty said...

This was so funny!!! Can you imagine what people watching your trailer must think as you are inside moving around? Give me some FLAVOR, baby!!!

Donna B said...

Oh eyes are STILL watering from laughing so dang hard! I swear, we could be best friends. I get sucked into those infomercials... (suckermercials, we call them in our house. My husband gets sucked in too!).

I bought the "Shake Weight". Only 6 minutes a day to improve your arms, shoulders and chest (which are all sagging on my body) I can't even do it two minutes at one time. Maybe they mean 2 minutes, 3 times per day? I don't dare push myself any longer, no badly how much I want to firm up my "flying squirrel wings" under my arms. There is a reason the directions warn to hold it six inches from the face! I about knocked myself out when I first tried it yesterday!