In case you were wondering......the world's largest RUBBER BAND BALL was bought by Ripley's Believe It or Not from Joel Waul and is being moved from his Lauderhill, FLA driveway to a "far-off museum yet-to-be-determined". The 6-foot, 7-inch tall, 9,032-pound rubber ball had to be hauled away using a crane, and set on a large flatbed truck. It was not disclosed how much Waul was paid for his big ball. Start saving your rubber band, folks. What recession? I'm growing me a rubber band ball!
In Jacksonville Beach, Florida, a homeless man, Rodney Bolton, shoplifted a ferret in a pet store, by placing said ferret IN HIS PANTS. When confronted in the parking lot by a 17-year-old witness, Rodney shoved the ferret in the teen's face, and thus, the ferret bit the teen. The confrontation makes the ferret a "special weapon" under Florida law. Okay. Let's just pause here so you can let this all sink in. First of all, what does a homeless man want with a ferret to begin with, unless he's going to EAT it? And if that's the case, why not stick to squirrels or road kill? Secondly, is he nucking futs to put a ferret down his pants? I've heard of gerbils in that general area, but ferrets? And thirdly, ferret's are considered a "special weapon" in Florida? You have GOT to be kidding me. You think somebody's going to walk into a bank holding up a ferret and say, "Ok everybody, hands up. Gimme all yer money!" As if!
A weapon of mass destruction?
Four teens were cited for disorderly conduct in Salt Lake City for rapping in a McDonald's drive through. The teens were imitating a video like this one found on YouTube:
The teens were told that they were holding up the line. Okay,now. Do we think we're carrying this a bit too far? Calling the police in and ticketing the kids for disorderly conduct? If they were that much of a nuisance, I would just tell them I wouldn't wait on them. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. I think if they were told that the police were being called, they would have skedaddled.
Can't you all remember that little McDonald's ditty back in 1975:
two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun
You can't tell me that at least ONE person didn't try to sing that while ordering a Big Mac back then. I'm sure THEY didn't get arrested.
Here is a perfect example of life imitating art. Picture a man, James P. Miller, to be exact, driving around on Halloween night wearing his costume. He is dressed like a Breathalyzer test. It probably looks something like this:
I'm sure old Jimmy boy was a big hit at a party and was feeling pretty good. Bet that all changed when the cops stopped him while still wearing the breathalyzer costume. Yeah. Awkward. He "allegedly" (how can it be allegedly when they saw it happen?) drove down a one way street the wrong way (but officer, I was only GOING one way), with no lights on. Police found beer both in his front seat and in the trunk. Poor Jimmy had to blow in a REAL breathalyzer, and it came up almost double the legal blood-alcohol limit. Oops! Yep. Life imitating art.
If you require surgery in the not-too-distant future, let me give you a heads up. Do NOT have it done at the Rhode Island Hospital in Providence, RI. Doctors there had recently finished the 5th wrong-sided surgery since 2007. That bears repeating. Doctors there had recently finished the 5th wrong-sided surgery since 2007. The most recent surgery involved operating on the wrong finger. That's not so bad, you say. Yeah? Three of the surgeries involved brain surgeons. Uh, hello?
After hundreds of thousands of dollars, and at least 14 years of schooling, and it all boils down to this. Robert Fulghum WAS right. He said, "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten." These doctors must have been sick the day they learned left from right.
Pee-hew! Does your kid own a pair of shoes that are ready for the garbage? Wait! Don't throw them out! Enter them in the Vermont's Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest and get a chance to win $200! All for your kid being a sweat hog! Contestants must be between the ages of 6 and 15 and have a pair of sneakers that smell really bad. Along with the moola, the winner also gets a basket of Odor Eater products AND the right to represent the state of Vermont in the National Event, which will be held on March 23 in Montpelier, VT. So - don't bathe those little piggies, shove them in those sneakers, and let them run around wild for awhile to earn you some money towards their college fund!
How stupid can someone be? Well, see if you can top this. Twenty-one year old Calvin Hoover, of Salem, Oregon, called police and told the dispatchers that somebody had broken into his truck and took his cash and a small amount of pot he had stashed in there while he was inside the bar. The problem was - the dispatcher couldn't understand him because he was vomiting in the road while he was talking to her. He then redialed 911 to complain that the deputies had not arrived. He was charged with a DUI when the police arrived. I can't make this up.
Remember this anti-drug video from the 80's?
In this kid's case, the eggs should have been scrambled.
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