Friday, November 13, 2009

Idiots Guide to Aging

I ain’t what I used to be, but who the hell is?

Dizzy Dean
1910 — 1974

There should be a book out there for people explaining the things that happen to your body as you grow older. It could be called, "Growing Old for Dummies" or "Idiots Guide to Aging". But in small print on the cover it include the disclaimer, "DANGER. DON'T READ UNLESS YOU ARE OVER 50 YEARS OF AGE." This way, it won't scare our younger generation into possibly NOT WANTING TO TURN OLD.

So, the other day I was applying mascara to my skimpy eyelashes. I do this by holding a mirror below my face, and applying the mascara with the other hand. This is not a pretty angle to view my face. But it's easier to put mascara on. I also get to look right up into my nostrils. Not that I WANT to, mind you, but the view is there for the taking. And guess what I noticed? THREE gray hairs. In the left nostril. Not one. Not two. But three. All of a sudden. Boom. Three. Now what? Do I cut them out? Plucking would be absolute pain. I really don't think anyone else can see the gray hairs unless they stuck their face under my nose. But seriously. Gray nose hair?

And my eyebrows. When did I start losing them? I still grow sparse hairs here and there that need to be plucked, but the general nice arch of hairs? Gone. My brows look more like a forest of trees that a fire when through. What is up with that? So I have to take out the dreaded eyebrow pencil and kind of "shade" where there should be hair. Don't worry, it doesn't look anything like this:

Or this:

And I didn't break down and shave them off and get tattoos like this:

So, yeah, as you get older, you start to lose hair, like on your head, and your eyebrows. But then that valuable hair shows up on other parts of your body where it has no business being. Like in the middle of my forehead. Yeah. I have one gray hair that likes to grow straight out of my forehead like a friggin' unicorn.

Luckily, you can't see it unless the light hits it just so, but when that happens, look out. That hair starts to sparkle like a unicorn horn with magic! Sometimes it goes unnoticed for weeks and then I catch a glimpse of it in the mirror and it's an inch and a half long! Yikes!

Then there's the chin hair. Yes. I've gotten used to it. In fact, the other day I caught myself stroking my chin hair, deep in thought. Some of those hairs are soft and blond, and VERY hard to see. Again, I have to wait until the light is just right and then, horror of horrors, I see my resemblance to a werewolf in the mirror, let out a scream, and grab the tweezers.

Other hairs are those tough, black ones that just spring out of nowhere and suddenly are an inch long. Thank God my ears aren't pointy or I'd really lose it.

I guess I wouldn't be happy unless I was a Mexican hairless chihuahua.

Growing older also means fighting the law of gravity. Everyday. I never knew that's what that song meant when it said, "I fought the law - and the law won." No shit. Everything is going south on me. My arches have fallen, my eyelids are drooping, and can we talk about my boobs? I just heard two jokes that could apply to anyone over the age of 50:

What is the average bra size at a nursing home? 36 LONG

Why can't older women wear mini skirts? Because their nipples would hang out the bottom of the skirt!

I think I've even gotten shorter. Great. Now I'm even MORE overweight.

But you know what Garfield says - "I'm not OVERWEIGHT, I'm just UNDERTALL."

I guess I shouldn't complain about getting older. It's better than the alternative.

Or this one:

That is truly frightening. I guess I'll just learn to grow old gracefully and accept the odd hairs here and there, the sagging boobs, fallen arches, bad eyes, sore hips, etc. I'm grateful that I still have my own teeth. I figure I'm ahead of the game.


Noelle said...

i'm not 50 yet, but i'm feeling the effects. according to my youngest, my boobies look tired and my eyes...well...check this out:

WhisperingWriter said...

Drawn on eyebrows freak me out a little bit.

I already have gray hairs. Right now I try to color them away but eventually I might be all, "Eh. The heck with it.."

Valerie said...

Oh Pat, hubs and I have had such a giggle over your post. It was HILARIOUS. Loved it. I can so identify with everything you wrote but let me tell you something, speaking as one who knows, IT GETS WORSE! Thanks Pat, you've brightened my day.

otin said...

LMAO!! I get hair growing everywhere except the top of my head!

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

You are simply hilarious!! You should write the book you describe in your first paragraph.

. . . 'i fought the law and the law won' . . .

Funny how we are all in the same boat, yet we feel like the single freak around . . . It's good to have someone who can make us laugh about the affliction of ageing.

Those eyebrow photos were downright creepy!

Well, the tension in my neck is gone from all the laughter - I'll be back tomorrow for my next treatment! Thanks Pat.

SOUL: said...

this is a hilarious post! it could be a magazine article 'somewhere'. i loved it. i reckon because i can relate-- of course. but thanks for the laugh.
and you know, you really aren't 'old' til ya can't laugh at this kinda stuff.
so keep your sense of humor-- and have a a happy weekend!

An Open Heart said...

You kill me.....(giggle, snort, giggle).


Rae said...

Those are some of the ugliest broads I have ever seen. I will gladly keep my sprouting chin hairs and sparse eyebrows rather than look like that. I feel sorry for any man that wakes up next to them.

Gail said...

I will be fifty-five soon and it seems the same malady has really hit me hard this year...where did all my extra chins come from, I remember having just one.

The rule used to be, you must wear a bra if you can hold a pencil under your breasts, hell, I can hold a writing tablet and several pens and pretty soon maybe the writing desk itself!

Your humor is wonderful. Thank you for making me laugh today.

RNSANE said...

It would be funny - if it weren't all TRUE...and I just celebrated my 65th birthday. Thank heavens, I was in Rome for two days, then did a six day cruise in the Mediterranean, and finished up with four days in Barcelona...but, once I got home, I did feel sorry for myself!

Great blog...glad Valerie sent me over here.

Brian Miller said...

lol. i am so getting the tattoo eyebrows! like Toby Keith says, i aint as good as i once was, but i'm as good once as i ever was...

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Just do what I do........ Step away from the mirror, take off your specs and there, that's not so bad!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

Too funny. I have the same problems with hair - it's thin on top but then I find random hairs down the side of my neck that seem to sprout an inch or mover overnight. Eyelids - check; eyebrows - check; eyelashes - check; boobs - check. Yep, you covered all the "over 50" bases.

Bernie said...

OMG you have described what is happening to my body perfectly and with humor.....I came over to visit from Val's and am so glad I did, what a hoot you are and I look forward to following you....
Have a great day.....:-) Hugs

wenn said...

u take it well..that's good..

Carletta said...

I needed a laugh this evening and this certainly fit the bill!
I'm so with you on when did THAT happen. My eyebrows just one day were gone and my lashes on the left droop down straight.
I have a friend that at age 57 had a boob job - no thanks - I don't really want to be gray, wrinkled and perky at the same time!

Karen said...

LOL... what a great post! I'm new to your blog, but I'll be back regularly! You have a wicked sense of humor.

Nobody warned me about all this either. Tweezers aren't just for slivers anymore!

SquirrelQueen said...

OMG, Pat I haven't laughed that hard in awhile (or my last visit here), too funny.

There was a time when makeup was mascara and lipstick, now I can barely lift my makeup kit. But I will take it as it comes, I really don't want a permanent painful looking smile like Joan Rivers.

Fran Hill said...

Very funny post. I'm now going to be looking in the mirror at a few different angles just to check for the nose hair ... not that there are many people shorter than me who would spot it.

Lisa Gioia-Acres said...

I know! This aging thing is scary. I have recently checked out my body in the mirror, with a very discerning eye for once, and said, "this is Me!" I have to stop wishing for the body of my 25-year-old self, ain't gonna happen. And they grey hair thing, I can't believe where it shows up!

Great laugh reading your post.

Wendy said...

My Mom quit spending money on those expensive eyebrow pencils, 'cause now she just uses a regular ol' pencil. They don't make the eyebrow pencils in "grey-mingled w/ black", so the color of the graphite (or whatever they make pencils with nowadays) looks best, doesn't stand out, and it's cheap!
See? It's not alllll gloom & doom!

Donna B said...

YOU ARE HILARIOUS!! You should be a stand up comedian! Not only could I relate to everything you were saying, I was laughing my head off. I love humor, and I need some laughs these days. My Dad has Alzheimer's. Thank you again, I will be following you and enjoying your humor.

Sunny said...

It doesn't get any better either! LOL
Sunny :)

Teacher's Pet said...

This is sooo true! Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one with "THAT" chin hair...
I came here from Val's blog...and am so glad I did. This made my evening! I'm smiling and nodding...'yep'...and 'uhm hmm'....that's me!....Ooooh, that's me too! You've nailed 'em all, my friend. Great blog!

The Writing Instinct said...

I came over from Val's and to a very entertaining post indeed. Thank you!