Sunday, November 29, 2009

Meet my Twin F***ing Sister

Pat (left), Pam (right), 6 years old, 1961

This is the story of adorable little twin girls, born many moons ago, on October 11th. One was named Patricia Ann (moi), and one was named Pamela Jean. In fact, we were born on our brother, Bob's birthday. He's been mad at us every since. He was only 2 years old at the time. Imagine how he felt receiving a baby sister as a birthday gift? Scratch that. TWO baby sisters? And you know how the new baby gets all that attention. Could you imagine the attention that twins drew? Especially over 50 years ago? My, my, we were almost like a circus attraction.

I don't have our baby picture to show you. It is packed away. But I must have always been the one on the left (as you look at the photo). In the baby picture, I am grinning like an idiot, and Pam's eyes are as wide as saucers. As my mother described it, we were both crying and the photographer started making goofy faces. I adored him, being that he was a man, and Pam had the expression on her face as if to say, "WTF?" Nothing has changed folks, nothing has changed.

By the time Pam and I were born, my mom had had 4 live births. Ann 12, Mickey, 8, Linda, 3 1/2, and Bobby 2. When my mother was pregnant with us, she knew she was having twins. She was experienced enough! She told the doctor that she was carrying twins. She said that she felt two heads (oh no - a monster!), two butts (whew!), and many limbs. The doctor only heard one strong heart beat. There was only one conclusion - my mother was wrong, and we were one big, healthy boy. You see, our heartbeats were synchronized. But to satisfy my mother, the doctor ordered x-rays. Yes, you read that right. They didn't have ultra-sounds back in the day. So now you know why I am a little lu-lu. Because my parents didn't have a phone, my Dad had to walk to the corner drugstore to call the doctor and get the results. Bingo! Two babies in dat der womb!

I came out head first, weighing in at a little over 6 pounds. Pam was breech, but luckily I opened up the way for her, so there wasn't any complications. The way I look at it, she owes me big time. But as you read on, you'll see that she's been saving my lily white ass all my life.

Pam weighed a little over 5 pounds, but lost a few ounces to drop her under the hospital's regulation weight for bringing a baby home. So Pam had to stay in the hospital for a few days in the incubator (like a baby chick) till she gained the weight. Mom brought me home alone. It was a hard day for her.

For awhile my sister and I slept in the same crib, and drew comfort from each other. As we grew, my mother had to get another crib. My mom told me that I usually did things first, like crawling and walking. Pam would watch me, and then within a few days she would follow suit. Feeding times were interesting. We'd both cry, but Mom would feed Pam first because, according to Mom, I would wait patiently. This truly fits our personality. Pam is full of piss and vinegar. I'm more complacent.

Mom said that Pam and I had our own language. We'd talk amongst ourselves and nobody else could understand us.

Pam was always skinny growing up and I was always regular. I would absolutely HATE when people would say to me, "Are you eating your sister's food?" I never had a weight problem growing up. In fact, I had a pretty good shape.

Pat (left), Pam (right), 5 years old, 1960

Although Pam was small in size, she was a tiger. I remember one time, maybe we were in 6th grade, we went to a nearby park. A heavy set girl wanted to beat the crap out of me because her boyfriend had whistled at me when I had walked down the block. Now, I had not flaunted anything, believe me. I was wearing a red/white checkered button down shirt and white shorts. Why do I remember what I was wearing? Because the bully girl made fun of my shirt! I was pretty scared because I was, and still am, a wuss. But there was my skinny twin sister, who jumped off the swing, and was in the fat girl's face yelling at her and telling her to leave me alone! I was in awe! I guess half the battle is not showing you are scared! The girl left the park, and we went home. I didn't leave the house for two weeks because I feared she'd find me and beat me up if Pam wasn't around to protect me!


Pam and I were out and about and she needed cigarettes. She told me to pull into the nearby gas station. I was driving a sporty Camero, and it was a beautiful summer day. We had the windows rolled all the way down. Pam ran in, bought her cigarettes, and jumped back into the car. I pulled to the edge of the driveway and looked both ways on the busy street. I saw a car coming on my left in the distance, but I figured that if I pulled out slow, and stayed in my lane, that it would be okay. So that's what I did. Well, I must have scared the bejesus out of the older gentleman who was driving in the left lane. He swerved his car way over into the other lane. It TOTALLY wasn't necessary, but hey, what can I say? The old guy started swearing at me, calling me every name in the book.

I said, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Here's my twin sister: "FUCK YOU! She stayed in her lane! FUCK YOU!"

And there, my friends, is the difference between my twin and me!

BUT, she had my back, didn't she?


My first marriage ended messily with husband cheating on me with whore young chicky babe. My twin went to said whore's house, to confront her, and possible beat some sense into her, if needed. (Although at that time my sister probably really felt that I was the one that needed the sense beaten into me for considering WANTING my cheating husband back!)Luckily for young chicky babe - she wasn't home. Either that or she was hiding behind the curtain shaking like a leaf, refusing to answer the door. Smart cookie. A slut, but smart.


Pam's tamed down quite a bit. I mean, she hasn't beaten anybody up or anything. Her words are pretty powerful, and you wouldn't want to get on her bad side. But she is loyal till the end, love's her family, and will defend them ferociosly. And I should know. She's had my back since we were in the womb together.

Another quirk of hers is her tendency to put the "f" word inbetween words or syllables like "Happy F***ing Birthday", or La-dee-F**ing-dah, or absof**ckingtootly. You get the idea. She just cracks me up.

Pam has a heart of gold and has been known to give her last couple of bucks in her pocket to beggars on the street. The rest of us in the family will say, "Pam - you don't have any money for the rest of the week! Why did you give it away?" and she'd reply, "Oh - they looked like they needed it more than me."

One time while pulling up to the drive through window at KFC, a homeless person came up to her car window and asked if she'd buy him something to eat. She thought, "Oh, what the heck!" and ordered him some food. How many of us would do that?

So without further ado, here's my twin f**ing sister! Mwaah! Love you Pami!

We switched it up a bit. Pam's on the left, Pat's on the right, 54 years old, 2009


Lindy MacDuff said...

Sweet story! Sorry your brother has to share 'his' day, but he actually got two great presents that day instead of one. Thanks for being brave enough to share all the details! :D

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

How lucky you are to know some special one always has your back!!

Nancy said...

An admirable sister she is, too! I would have to say I am more like Pam :-O - best to not mess with my family...

SquirrelQueen said...

Pam sounds like a really cool sister, especially one who has your back. I had friends who were twins and they had the secret language too, could never understand what they were talking about.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I loved learning that about you!! A twin!! How cool is that!!

Gail said...

What a wonderfully amazing story! Twins and friends forever.

Thank your sister for covering your back. We could not do with out you!

Betty said...

Pam it's really wonderful having a twin sister.!
How lucky you are for having an adorable sister!
lots of lovs
hugs hugs

Ruth said...

I love you both.

Valerie said...

Lucky you, Pat. I didn't have a sister or a brother. But I craved for one the whole of my childhood. It must be great having someone stick up for you.

Noelle said...

unfuckinbelieveable! that was an awesome story...thanks for sharing!

Wendy said...

Oh great.
Thanks a wholefuckinlot Pat.
One MORE thing for me to be jealous of you for!
When I was little I used to ask my Mommy why I couldn't have one. She never could explain it to me. ;-)

Great post Pat!!! Thanks!

Rae said...

Two beautiful ladies. Pam sounds like a gem. Lucky you to have a sister like that. I loved your story.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

That was soooooooo f***ing sweet! My twins share a similar closeness.... and Jill was head first and Jeff was breach. She still reminds him that she is 6 minutes older than him!

Anonymous said...

A twin! I would have loved to have had a twin, but God knew that would just be fucking wrong.

Straitjackets are Slimming said...

There's nothing like a sister. I'm sure twins are just that much closer.

Chatty Crone said...

My half sister is having twins December 16th at 8am. How nice you have a sister.

charmine. said...

WOW! What a story! How lovely to have a sis like that.Great that you two are still soooo close.

Allen said...

Well that was a very cool story. Do I have to watch out for her too, on SKY BLOCKS?

I made a post about it.hehe Did you see it? haha

I never had any brothers or sisters, I dont know what its like at all. I am me and I am unique. hehe

Thanks for letting us get to know you a bit more!

Tell Pam I said hello.

Sunny said...

How nice that you are still close, I know several sisters that don't bother with each other.
I would have loved to have a sister instead of being an only child, which was lonely at times.
Sunny :)

Anonymous said...


otin said...

So nice the love that you share for your Twin Fucking Sister!!!

I thought that the whole putting the F word in like that was just a jersey thing.

Brian Miller said...

i could not help but took me many years to appreciate my sister...

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

What a wonderful story! I don't have a twin sister (always wanted one) and didn't have 'twin' kids (always wanted them, too - until I had kids, then I was glad that God knew what He was doing). I am the smack-dab-in-the-middle kid. Three siblings older, three siblings younger; three years between me and the youngest of the older group and three years between me and the oldest of the younger group. It was lonely as I often felt like an only child. I was too old to go with the younger ones and tool young to go with the older ones, so I was always the babysitter. yuck.

Tell your sister she's awesome - but she must think you are also to be watching your back so closely! Great bond!!!

Mary Sheehan Winn said...

3 kids born on the same birthday? Wow! You are a couple of rockin' sisters!

Diane J. said...

Oh my gosh, this post is so (in honor of your sis)F***ing funny. I usually don't curse in posts, I'm looking over my shoulder for any deceased relatives waiting to pop me for that, LOL.

I have twin boys and I love to hear these types of stories. I certainly hope they have as great a bond as you and your sis.