I made my bed; now I have to lie on it

I am going to get intimate with you for a little while.

I am going to talk about my bed.

It sucks.

The mattress is pretty worn out.

(Go ahead. Insert your comments here, and snicker all you want.)

We do NOT have a box spring because, basically our mattress sits ON a box, a wooden built-in storage box.  The mattress is only about 4 inches thick, including the pillow top that is attached. It was comfortable the first couple of years, and when it got a little thin we added a memory foam that we cut down to fit.

But the foam isn't an exact fit,  which means that it slips down and then my pillow is on a slant and the blood rushes to my head.

Slipped Foam

Not good.

That's just the first problem.

Then next problem is finding sheets that fit.

We can't.

You see, our bed is an odd size. It's bigger than a queen, but smaller than a king. It's  a "quing", I guess. 

So, unless Miss Suzy Seamstress here makes them, which is not happening in MY LIFETIME, we have to buy king-sized sheets and resort to tricks.

Like this.

See these little circles? Jim sticks them strategically underneath the edges of the mattress.

Then he puts these thing-a-ma-jigs around them. His index finger is blocking a small circle where he will thread a rope through.

I think he has two pieces of rope because I've seen him pull them tight, like lacing up a shoe (thus pulling the sheet taut). I like to think he's doing a little magic under the mattress (and I wouldn't mind a little magic ABOVE the mattress, either!) Badda-bing badda boom!

The whole procedure causes Jim to sweat like a pig. Notice the sweat drops on the sheets in the above photo (white arrow!) Aah! Job done for another week! What a workout!

We had some nice sheets that were smooth and worn in just right. They had no pills on them, either. But our mattress has ripped out of its covering and has some sharp edges and ripped the heck out of the fitted sheet. So I went on the hunt for just a brown fitted sheet. I found one for $15. Not bad, I thought.

I washed it and Jim put it on the mattress. That night we crawled in bed and almost yelped out loud. That sheet was so rough we could have used it as a pumice rock! I kid you not!

But we still slept on it till I had a chance to go out and buy new sheets.

End of problem.

Wrong.

I picked up some sheets that were on sale and they were supposed to be made of microfiber. What exactly IS microfiber anyway? Well, I thought that was the same material I had on underwear and nightgowns and it is pretty soft. I thought, "great", so I picked up the sheets.

Dragged them to the laundromat, washed them, Jim did his little routine and that night I crawled in bed.

Within 5 minutes I was sweating like a pig. I was STICKING to the sheets! What the!!!

Where is Martha Freakin' Stewart when you need her?

You do NOT F*CK with a menopausal woman.

The next day I viciously stripped the bed.

"I CANNOT sleep on the sheets another night!" I raged to Jim.

It was back to the scratchy brown sheet.

In the meantime I contracted some kind of poison oak. It started spreading to both my legs. Then I broke out in a different kind of rash all over the rest of my body.

I thought I better put bleach on the sheets when I washed them.

I KNOW. They were BROWN sheets. But usually if you were to fill up the machine FIRST with the bleach in it, I didn't think there would be any kind of a problem.

Yeah, well, again, remember I use a laundromat. It has dispensers on TOP of the machine. I added the detergent and the bleach (in a separate area). It dumped it right onto the clothes.

The results? Does it look like a hidden message?

FINALLY I had a chance to go out and buy new sheets. I am very happy with them......they are thick, soft and would be perfect if I REALLY had a king sized bed!

We bought new pillows at the same time as the sheets. Within a few weeks my pillow was so misshapen! I give up!

We found a place in AZ that will cut a mattress down to size and that is one of the FIRST things we are going to do when we arrive there for the winter.

Come hell or high water.

Or dust storms.

Mamma needs her sleep!