Friday, August 26, 2011

I made my bed; now I have to lie on it

I am going to get intimate with you for a little while.

I am going to talk about my bed.

It sucks.

The mattress is pretty worn out.

(Go ahead. Insert your comments here, and snicker all you want.)

We do NOT have a box spring because, basically our mattress sits ON a box, a wooden built-in storage box.  The mattress is only about 4 inches thick, including the pillow top that is attached. It was comfortable the first couple of years, and when it got a little thin we added a memory foam that we cut down to fit.

But the foam isn't an exact fit,  which means that it slips down and then my pillow is on a slant and the blood rushes to my head.

Slipped Foam

Not good.

That's just the first problem.

Then next problem is finding sheets that fit.

We can't.

You see, our bed is an odd size. It's bigger than a queen, but smaller than a king. It's  a "quing", I guess. 

So, unless Miss Suzy Seamstress here makes them, which is not happening in MY LIFETIME, we have to buy king-sized sheets and resort to tricks.

Like this.

See these little circles? Jim sticks them strategically underneath the edges of the mattress.

Then he puts these thing-a-ma-jigs around them. His index finger is blocking a small circle where he will thread a rope through.

I think he has two pieces of rope because I've seen him pull them tight, like lacing up a shoe (thus pulling the sheet taut). I like to think he's doing a little magic under the mattress (and I wouldn't mind a little magic ABOVE the mattress, either!) Badda-bing badda boom!

The whole procedure causes Jim to sweat like a pig. Notice the sweat drops on the sheets in the above photo (white arrow!) Aah! Job done for another week! What a workout!

We had some nice sheets that were smooth and worn in just right. They had no pills on them, either. But our mattress has ripped out of its covering and has some sharp edges and ripped the heck out of the fitted sheet. So I went on the hunt for just a brown fitted sheet. I found one for $15. Not bad, I thought.

I washed it and Jim put it on the mattress. That night we crawled in bed and almost yelped out loud. That sheet was so rough we could have used it as a pumice rock! I kid you not!

But we still slept on it till I had a chance to go out and buy new sheets.

End of problem.


I picked up some sheets that were on sale and they were supposed to be made of microfiber. What exactly IS microfiber anyway? Well, I thought that was the same material I had on underwear and nightgowns and it is pretty soft. I thought, "great", so I picked up the sheets.

Dragged them to the laundromat, washed them, Jim did his little routine and that night I crawled in bed.

Within 5 minutes I was sweating like a pig. I was STICKING to the sheets! What the!!!

Where is Martha Freakin' Stewart when you need her?

You do NOT F*CK with a menopausal woman.

The next day I viciously stripped the bed.

"I CANNOT sleep on the sheets another night!" I raged to Jim.

It was back to the scratchy brown sheet.

In the meantime I contracted some kind of poison oak. It started spreading to both my legs. Then I broke out in a different kind of rash all over the rest of my body.

I thought I better put bleach on the sheets when I washed them.

I KNOW. They were BROWN sheets. But usually if you were to fill up the machine FIRST with the bleach in it, I didn't think there would be any kind of a problem.

Yeah, well, again, remember I use a laundromat. It has dispensers on TOP of the machine. I added the detergent and the bleach (in a separate area). It dumped it right onto the clothes.

The results? Does it look like a hidden message?

FINALLY I had a chance to go out and buy new sheets. I am very happy with them......they are thick, soft and would be perfect if I REALLY had a king sized bed!

We bought new pillows at the same time as the sheets. Within a few weeks my pillow was so misshapen! I give up!

We found a place in AZ that will cut a mattress down to size and that is one of the FIRST things we are going to do when we arrive there for the winter.

Come hell or high water.

Or dust storms.

Mamma needs her sleep!


The Bipolar Diva said...

You definitely need your sleep. This post was so freaking hilarious, but I know how frustrating the search for the perfect sheet is. I finally found mine, and I refuse to use fitted. All they do is wad up and come off the mattress. Glad you found some and with the 600 count they'll be perfect I hope!

Valerie said...

Thank goodness I'm wedged into my typing chair, otherwise with laughing so much I'd have fallen off. Pat your sense of humour is tremendous. I loved, loved, loved this post. Good luck with resizing the mattress.

Valerie said...

Forgot to say, the photo of Jim under the mattress is hilarious.

Donna B said...

Oh man...I sympathize girlfriend. NOTHING is worse than not being able to be comfortable enough to get a good night's sleep. Have you tried getting one of those thick memory foam covers and THEN put the sheets over it (to use up the size difference from the mattress and the sheet? Good luck with the sheets.

We just bought a King size blow up mattress to take to CA so we can have comfortable sleep...(we have Queen sized beds at home) I bought 350 count sheets at Tuesday Morning for $35 and they are heavenly soft.

Donna B said... offense Jim, but I LMAO seeing your head under the mattress...oh, how I can relate when we had our "former" bed...I had to put rolled up blankets at the foot of the bed so my legs would not fall asleep!

Rita said...

Nothing is worse than trying to sleep in an uncomfortable bed--so, even if I giggled a bit, I do really feel your pain. Sounds like you need a new mattress and some awesome pillows and sheets ASAP!!! ;)

Brian Miller said...

wow you have had the ordeal...yeah on the new mattress...need a good night sleep, what with all that magic you got going on...smiles...

Ami said...

Microfiber SUCKS. Why would people want to sleep on polyester? Ack, makes me itch just thinking about it.

I'm wondering why you don't just buy king sized flat sheets?

And I am snickering here, too.

Hope you find what you want and are back to pounding the posturepedic soon. ;)

Anonymous said...

jeepers, that sounds like a sit com in the making....seriously, wowsers :)

heres hoping y'all get some rest

Eva Gallant said...

Nothing makes you feel worse than a lousy night's sleep; a good night's sleep is like a miracle pill! Good luck in getting your sleep quarters taken care of!

Donna said...

Hahahaaa....I SWEAR! If you can't get comfortable at night, it's Awful! I only buy Egyptian Cotton...Make Sure you also check your thread count! A lot of those RV sheets are 280 thread count...SCRATCHY!
I buy 400 TC and up. Nice and Soft!
Can't wait to see the NEW mattress!

Mama Zen said...

We use memory foam on our bed and have the same problem with sheets; nothing fits now!

Ami said...

Methinks you're still not really being honest here. What we really want to know is, who has to sleep on the wet spot?

labbie1 said...

Well, you got him on his knees! LOL

We had a king bed with 1,000 count Egypian cotton (Pima cotton is the same but grown in the US) and when we moved into the 5th wheel with the queen mattress I refused to give up the comfy sheets, so tuck them under.

Our bed area is a true queen size. When my parents parted with their select comfort pillow top mattress I called dibbs immediately and it is wonderful in the camper!

I have seen those in the camper stores in the special sizes for RV's as well.

Little Blue came with the typical camper mattress on a box and we topped it with a high density tempurpedic topper from Sam's Club after I read a review that stated that the people bought it for their camper and it STAYED COOL! Uh--SOLD! We have found that quite comfortable as well.

EG Wow said...

Ha! Who would have thought sheets could be so entertaining?!

Kat said...

You made me laugh out loud at the end of a very long day.

Well done!

Great post ;-)

(P.S. You wanna see a good rash? Head to my blog and read my saga if you haven't already!)


VERY FUNNY!!! Esp Jim under the sheet mattress or whatever!!!
Good sheets and mattresses are essential. We were sleeping on new expensive sheets and finally I washed them and tucked them far back into the cupboard and dragged out old soft sheets from years ago. We are happily sleeping these days on those sheets and our ages old pillows, worn in just the right places.
Here's to better sleeping ahead.

kisatrtle said...

Wow this is a lot of work for little sleep. Id be driving to get that mattress right now