Thursday, January 28, 2010

TMI Thursday - I came, I sat, I peed

I thought I would jump in this week on TMI Thursday sponsored by Lilu at Livitluvit. Click her button to read more TMI stories.

TMI Thursday

sign hung over a public toilet

At my recent doctor's visit, I was asked to give a urine sample. I would rather be pricked by a dull needle. No, wait. I would rather have bamboo sticks shoved under my nails. No, no, wait. I'd rather by strung up by my toes. Anypiss, you get the idea - I abhor the idea of peeing in a cup.

Now, you might think this is such a simple request. Why do I hate it so much?


Cause I'm a woman.

Yes. Men? They have it easy. They have a hose, they can direct it right into the cup. Badda bing, badda boom. Done.

Women? Not so easy. Well, okay, I'll speak for myself. I have a helluva time. Let me give you the gory details.

The "proper" way to givee a urine sample is to wash your "private" area with an alcohol wipe. Then you are supposed to pee just a little bit, stop peeing, then start peeing again and put the cup under the stream. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.

First off, who can stop peeing once they start? This, in itself, is very hard to do.

Secondly, I can never pee in the specimen cup without peeing all over my hand. And there's nothing like the feeling of warm pee going everywhere BUT the cup.

So I entered the bathroom to donate the dreaded sample. There was a small table up against the wall that was stacked with alcohol wipes, plastic containers with lids, and cardboard cups that looked very similar to coffee cups. A revelation came over me that I could pee in the coffee cup FIRST, THEN pour it into the plastic container.

I gathered all the necessary accoutrements and set them on the floor in front of the toilet. Then I thought I'd better open up the lidded jar, so I cracked the seal, opened the jar, and placed both of them on the sink.

Next I pulled my pants down, opened the wipe, did what I was supposed to do, then started to pee, just a little bit all the while saying, STOP, STOP, STOP!

Okay. Now came the part I hate. Try to get the pee in the cup. The problem is, when I bend over, I have a lot of business hanging that prevents me from seeing exactly what I am doing. (Business being boobs, belly, etc.) So I have to rely on feel. The larger mouth cup worked a lot better. I had a bigger target I guess. Pretty soon I felt the cup getting warm like when you order a cup of coffee from a vending machine.

I thought I filled the cup high enough so I quickly pulled it out from underneath me, and as I was ever-so-gently setting the cup of liquid gold on the sink so it wouldn't spill, I stood up, AND CONTINUED PEEING. SAY WHAT? It shot out of me and luckily missed my clothes bunched up at my ankles. I had a small puddle at the base of the toilet between my shoes. What the hell just happened? On one hand I was quite embarrassed. I obviously wasn't done going. But on the other hand? Man, all this time I'm worried about collecting my pee and that's all I had to do was put a cup on the floor and I could hit it dead on! Who knew?


Wendy said...

Pat you're hilarious!!

For a little more TMI,
1. push your pants all the way down to your ankles so you can *spread* *your* *legs*.
2. Sit Down!
3. put the urine cup *against* *your* *skin* so your clitoris is in it. That way, you don't need to bend over. You don't need to see. You already know how to pee (I think!). ;-)
These 3 things should help you "hit the cup".

One step you should take BEFORE you go in the bathroom: ask if they need a *sterile* sample, or just a regular sample. If they need a sterile sample, then you need to wipe, catch mid-stream, etc. If they *don't* need a sterile sample, then you don't need to use the wipe and you don't need to worry about STARTING "just a wee bit", stopping and THEN "catching" that pee. Just START in the cup 'til you're done.

Just Hoping To Help!!!

Anonymous said...


Gail said...

You find humor in the best things! I would never have dreamed of this but it is exactly how I feel and how I function, uh, malfuntion.

Meeko Fabulous said...

You're a freakin' riot! LoL!

Rae said...

Been there...don't that. Such is the life of a woman.

f8hasit said...

You know Pat, you are lucky I just finished my coffee and set the mug down. I may have had to send you the bill for a new keyboard.

Thanks for allowing me to share in your experience! HAHA! Loved it.

Brian Miller said...

oh my! lol.

Betty said...

Pat , yo should publish this stuff!!
You made me laugh out loud -with tears on my eyes.LMAO!

Barb said...

Very funny! Have a good Thursday!

Anonymous said...'re having no problem making the rest of us wet ourselves today! (and you know it's hard to stop once you get going!)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Too funny! Maybe they could just wring out your pants for the sample.........

Deb said...

the joys of womanhood.....all men have to do is turn and cough...we get to do the rest...

Mama Zen said...

This totally cracked me up!

misslynda said...

The good news about that at my last doctor's visit was there were disposable gloves by the specimen jars - - - so none got on my skin! Carry one in your purse next time just in case you need it.

natural girl said...

Hilarious!! Ohh the joys of being a woman.

natural girl said...

Hilarious!! Ohh the joys of being a woman.

Snowflake said...

I hope you didn't tell this story to the gals at the pool. I hate the thought of a bunch of them laughing until they peed the pool!!

P said...

Hahahaha! So funny! Thanks for sharing! :)

SquirrelQueen said...

OMG, that is hilarious! Have you ever thought about doing a book?

Boomka said...

All I know is that when a woman says to me, "I'll tell you why" I am about to be wrong. Even if said woman is about to explain to me that gravity is myth and we are only on the ground because of the toothfairy's grip on the financial markets, if she starts out with "I'll tell you why" I KNOW that I am about ready to capitulate. I cave easy when I'm thinking right.

Carletta said...

I haven't laughed so hard in awhile!
And, you are spot on!!!

A New England Life said...

Honest to Pete, Pat, only you! Ha haa!