Monday, January 11, 2010

The Doctor Will See You Now

During my two week visit back home, I was pricked, prodded, probed, felt up, x-rayed and scanned. No, I was not abducted by aliens. I had my annual check up with my gynecologist and my internist. I can think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

My internist is pretty thorough and wants to cover ALL the bases, leave not stone unturned, no part of my body unexposed, as it may be. I've been going to her for years, and she has agreed to keep me on as a patient while I travel around this great country of ours. I visit her twice a year when I'm in town - once during the summer and once during the Christmas holidays.

My internist ordered a variety of tests and to save time and gas, I had the lab work, bone density and mammogram all scheduled for the same morning.

I had the mammogram first. This experience wasn't TOO bad. Read These Hooters are Supersized about my previous experiences.

The new gowns they make you wear are a laugh. Picture the cape a beautician wraps around your neck before a haircut. Got it? Okay, now picture that same cape, only 15 inches long. Yeah. With an opening in the front so they have easy access to the girls. Then they place a tape that has a little metal dot the size of a bebe across your nipples so it shows up on the film like, "Hey! Here's a nipple!" Although how anything is distinguishable in a smushed phase is beyond me.

I still believe every woman is entitled to wear a sticker after a mammogram that reads, Be kind to me - I just had my tits squished! (Or substitute the word "boobs" if you totally abhor the word "tits".)

After the mammo it was time for the bone density test. I thought she'd let me change first, but no. I had to tip-toe across the hall with my be-be taped tits hanging low out of the cape like a milk laden udder. Luckily no one was sitting in the hallway.

I had to fill out a questionnaire - one of the main questions being if I was right or left handed. Then they scan the opposite side of your body. There is some correlation there - I'm just not sure what. It seems to me that being right-handed, my whole RIGHT SIDE would be used more. Ergo....SCAN the right side because those bones would show the most use. But alas, I am NOT a doctor, and so, my left side was scanned.

There was a triangular pillow at the foot of the long table on which I had to lie down upon. Then my left foot was velcroed (spell check didn't recognized velcroed. What's the past tense of velcro? Is it even a word? You know what I mean.) How about this? The nurse used velcro to hold my foot at a 45 degree angle to the table.

There I was lying pigeon-toed on a table with my be-be tipped tits pooling into my pits, looking ready for a haircut, when the technician asked, "Comfortable?"

What I WANTED to say was, "Maybe if I was in to a little S&M," but what I DID say was, "Uh, sure."

"Okay," the tech continued, "Lie still. This will only take a few minutes."

The machine has an arm that hung over the table above me. It slowly moved over my body, measuring the density of the bones in my ankle, hip and spine.

Thankfully the machine stopped before it reached my brain because I'm afraid of what it would have found there. I could just see the lights flashing and various alarms going off - WARNING! WARNING! TOO DENSE TO READ!


Noelle said...

well, now, that sounds like a wonderful day! fun, fun, fun!

Sunny said...

Well you should be good for another 50 thousand miles! Ha-ha! I hate all those tests!
Sunny :)

Barb said...

I'm due for my mammogram and I just don't want to go this year! There are much better ways to spend the afternoon. But I can't believe they didn't let you change for your bone scan! At least it's over.

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I did the mamo post about the bandaids and no one had heard of them!! So glad I'm not the only one!!

Fran Hill said...

There are days when being slapped in the face with a wet kipper begins to seem preferable. I love the cartoon.

An Open Heart said...

I almost wet myself reading this one! Your descriptions are so delightful!


Rae said...

I have had that same experience and I sympathize with you. I know it had to be a man that invented the squeeze all boob machine. I think they need to invent a testicular scan machine that does the same type of compression for men. Pay back is so much fun.

Betty said...

Ι have experienced the same with you.
Your expressions just got me!

otin said...

You are so funny!! LOL!

I hope that you did not mind getting pricked? hehe

Meeko Fabulous said...

You gave me the best freakin' laugh today! My coworker all stared at me . . . Not that I sit here and read blogs at work or anything . . . ;)

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

At least you know how to make a fantastic post from all the silly indignities.

I bet every woman has a few horror stories like these. One really does have to swallow one's pride and offer one's self up for the inevitable humiliations.

Tooooo funny, Pat.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Ahhh, the dreaded gyno visit that lacks any dignity at all.... then they figure that is not enough, so they flatten your breasts in an x-ray torture device. Then on to the colonoscopy...... Aging sucks.

Gail said...

Hilarious! I know it was not for you but to hear you tell it...Thanks!

Carletta said...

Pat you do make me laugh!
I have those coming up very soon. NOT looking forward to it.

SquirrelQueen said...

Pat, you have taken an experience that is part torture and completely humiliating and made us laugh. I don't know how you do it but don't stop.

Prizler Photography said...

LOL... From one dense to another