Saturday, January 23, 2010

I was beat up by a nun!

What you are about to read is a true story. It happened in 1979. August. On Wednesday, the 22nd, around 2:00 pm. It obviously scarred me for life. Why I didn't leave the Catholic Church after this incident is beyond me.

My sister, Linda, and I were pregnant at the same time, but five months apart. We both saw the same doctor. We were going to have our babies at the same hospital. Linda thought she was helping me by describing everything possible involved in having a baby. Every detail including things about a c-section, how I'd feel afterward, anything you could think of, but she left out one major detail.

The crazy nun.

Yes. You see, there was a retired, senile nun that lived on the maternity ward. (It was a Catholic hospital.) She buzzed around in her motorized wheel chair. She spoke with a soft voice and prattled on and on about various things. It was hard to get her to leave once she came to visit you. My sister learned quick enough to pretend that she was sleeping when she heard the wheelchair approach her door. And back in those days, if you had a c-section, you were kept in the hospital for a full 7 days. So Linda did a lot of pretending.

Let me set up the scene of the crime. The night before I went into labor, my husband and I visited my parents. When I walked out the back door, I stubbed my baby toe on the railing running along the back porch. I broke my toe. Have you ever broken a toe? I'm talking extreme pain.

Anytoe, early the next morning I went into labor. Fourteen hours later I had only dilated to 4 (should be 10), the baby was in distress, and they opted to yank my son out via c-section. This is when they split ya belly button to pubes.

This particular hospital recommended that new moms of c-sections wear "binders", a long piece of material with velcro that you pull and fold around your middle section. It felt tight like a girdle and helped hold the stomach muscles in. It felt pretty good, actually. I was able to move around right away with that sucker on.

Two days after giving birth, I was lying in bed, minding my own "bidness", honestly. I remember that my hands were behind my head, so my belly was all exposed (not literally) but you'll see what I mean.

In buzzes old crazy nun. Remember, I knew NOTHING about her.

"Hello," I said, ever the friendly, Catholic girl.

Wham! The nun slapped my stomach with all her might and said, "Look at that flat stomach for just having a baby!" She packed quite a punch for being all senile and in a wheel chair and shit. I should have just slugged her right then and there. Either that or just puked on her.

Jesus, Mary, and bald-headed Joseph! I yelled, "I just had a cesarean!" Thank the LORD I had on that binder because she could have ripped open my cut OR pushed my staples through to my spine.

But she wasn't through. Oh no she wasn't.

My eyeballs went back into their sockets and I managed to wipe the tears away. For some unknown reason Senile Sista started talking about her feet. She described the problems she was having with them, and how her toes were all bunched up together. (DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE???) My eyes must have glazed over a minute because she felt the need to demonstrate what her toes looked like in case I couldn't get a clear picture. So she grabbed MY foot. Stop the film right here. Do I need to rewind to the previous night when I BROKE MY TOE? Yeah. You know where I'm going with this. Oh yes she did. She grabbed my broken toe, along with the rest of them on my left foot, and crushed them together to give me a "clearer" picture of what her effing foot looked like!

Not only was this nun obviously deaf to my screams of, "My toe! My toe! It's broken!", but she must also have been blind since she didn't see the baby toe sticking out SIDEWAYS and the nice blue and green color it had turned.

I don't remember too much of the conversation after that. I just lay in my bed whimpering and promising God that I would go to church every Sunday if he would just get SATAN out of my room. A few minutes later she left.

After I collected myself, I limped up to the nurse's station and said, "I just got beat up by a nun!"

I relayed the story to them, and after they picked themselves up off the floor from laughing hysterically, they said, "You'd better behave yourself or we'll send her in there to express your milk!"

I was the best patient they ever had.


Deb said...

you poor thing....that was just too funny...I could see it in my mind....LOL.....

Missy said...

WOW! Too funny! I am sure it wasn't at the time, but it is too funny!

Noelle said...

i am soooo laughing out loud! express your milk! omg...that would be scary! what a great story...thanks for sharing!

SquirrelQueen said...

My hubby just walked through the room and couldn't figure out why I was on the floor laughing, he just shook his head and walked away. I know it probably wasn't funny at the time but now it is hysterical. Thanks for the great story Pat.

Yaya' s Changing World said...

Having had three C-Sections, myself, as well as a broken toe (at different times, thank goodness!), I can totally relate. Yes, they kept us in the hospital For.Ev.Er. and it was not fun.

I was never given a strap for my tummy, but I'm sure I would have appreciated it if they had. Still, even having to cough, sneeze or clear my throat was a major event because of the incision and stitches.

I have to wonder why NuN of the nurses came running when you started hollering. My heart goes out to you.

On the other hand, I was laughing so hard that my good hubby-buddy had to come check on me and make sure I was alright. Thanks for the LOL.

~ Yaya
Yaya's Changing World

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Wonder if she is still around..... The new HMO's could use her to make patients shorten the hospital stay! Thanks for the laugh!

wenn said...

wow, something for you to remember by.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

They have always scared the bejesus out of me! Your story tells me I was right. Great post Pat.

Gail said...

Funny in hindsight but terrifingly painfully sad in the moment.

Barb said...

I had a c-section, so I totally felt pain when I read that story! I'm glad you survived!

Prizler Photography said...

OMG.. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Guess that's why I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying!

Ms Hen said...



Came to read you from Brian's blog..

You got it.. what his 160 meant.

I am so dense.. and it was bothering me all day.. The I FORGOT you.

I thought he mean to write I forgive you..

But nope it was I forgot you.. and you hit it on the nail.

Thanks.. now my mind can give it a REST.. lol.

Snowflake said...

I think you should publish your memoirs because reading your blog is better than many books I've read!!! Keep up the writing, but please post "Do not read while mouth is full"....I've got to go change my shirt and wash the floor after this one!!!! (Good thing I missed the computer!)

Snowflake said...

I think you should publish your memoirs because reading your blog is better than many books I've read!!! Keep up the writing, but please post "Do not read while mouth is full"....I've got to go change my shirt and wash the floor after this one!!!! (Good thing I missed the computer!)

Betty said...

Did you have kept your pormise to God? I laughed out loud till my jaws ached, oh you!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

You totally crack me up! I am so glad I found your blog as your posts many times give me the lift I need.

This was hysterical. I could totally see the nun in the wheelchair and you in the bed. I'm sorry for laughing but... I couldn't help it.

I didn't have a C-section, but I've been split side-to-side for a hysterectomy - done in two parts, 13 months apart but going through the same incision. So, I can totally relate to the pain with every movement feeling.

I can laugh now, but not then. For sure...

WhisperingWriter said...

It's funny but OUCH about the stomach thing. I winced at that.

Meeko Fabulous said...

That gave me the best laugh ever!!! I am SO glad I can't give birth.

Carletta said...

I winced all the way through this!
Poor you.

Anonymous said...

I was both clinching and laughing and laughing my butt off the enite time I was reading this!