Wednesday, June 3, 2009
It's that time again that I hate the most - BRA shopping. Hooters, jugs, ta-ta's, call them what you may, but if you have big ones, it's not fun shopping for a bra. First of all, it's so hard trying to find one that actually fits these puppies.
If you ever notice, the nice, small sized bras are hanging on the top racks. The larger, over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders are on the bottom hooks. Do you know what this means people? This means you can watch a grown woman sweat as she crawls around on her hands and knees, muttering to herself, flipping through those dumb plastic hangers, trying to find the correct LARGE size.
I HATE going into the dressing room, getting undressed, and thinking that someone is watching me on the security cameras.
The pretty, smaller size bras have oh-so-delicate THIN straps, with one, MAYBE two hooks in the back. For the FULLER FIGURE (isn't that more politically correct than saying fatter?), our straps are thick, and sometimes padded, with three, usually four hooks in the back. Lifting these babies up daily can cause permanent dents in our shoulders if we aren't careful.
In the 1985 album, "Mud Will Be Flung Tonight", Bette Midler confessed that she once consulted a postage scale to determine just how heavy her breasts were, and "I won't tell you how much they weigh, but it cost $87.50 to send 'em to Brazil. Third class."
When I was a young woman, going braless was all the rage. The rule of thumb was, if you could carry a pencil under your breast (naked) without dropping it, then your breasts were too large to go braless. Let's just say that I could have carried enough pencils for the whole class!
A couple of years ago I went to a Macy's store and was measured by a professional "bra specialist". She told me that she had gone to school to learn how to correctly measure breasts for bras to fit property. I thought it was funny when she told me to put the bra on that she had selected for me, that I should lean forward and put my "boobies" in the cups. I asked her if that was the "official" word for them, and she said yes.
If all else fails, you can always contact the Bra Whisperer. Go to: http://www.myintimacy.com/ and watch the video of the Bra Whisperer at work.
Men may love big breasted women, women may love to show them off, but they are not all fun and games. Clothes don't fit properly. Large breast can be hazardous to your health - any sport that involves jumping is a no-no unless you want bruises on your face. And sunbathing is down-right embarrassing. Especially when you lie down and your breasts disappear into your armpits.