Friday's Funnies #7

John went to visit his 90 year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?'“

His grandfather replied, “They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.  Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'“

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?'“

Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'“

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,  “Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car.”

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!”

Meet Coldwater!

I got an extra laugh out of this joke because my husband forwarded it to me. He usually washes our supper dishes, and I usually complain that the water isn't hot enough! 

The old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man," he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir." the young man replied. "I'm the Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp. I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that darn snake...with two more frogs.

Life is good in the South.

When people are laughing, they generally aren't killing each other.

Alan Alda