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Friday, February 8, 2013

Friday's Funnies #3



BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard.   Bites!
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FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES:   NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie .
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER.   Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker   --   Billy Connolly .
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


Children Are Quick
TEACHER:   Why are you late?
STUDENT:   Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:   Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER:   Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:   Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:   Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:   Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:   Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:   I is.
TEACHER:   No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:   All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.   Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:   Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:   No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :   No, sir.   It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:   Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher .




Woody Allen

13 comments:

DesertHen said...

These are cute! =) Happy Friday!

Lynn said...

Good thing I wasn't drinking milk when I read these!

At my house, I'm afraid, we do have to say prayers before meals!

Thanks for the comment on my fit-by-fifty blog. Things will be okay. A particular verse of scripture hit me just the right way yesterday, and wiped out my fear, allowing me to deal with reality as it is without the anxiety.

Brian Miller said...

hahaha...nice...my wife just sent me an add from a british paper seeking common sense...smiles...

Gail said...

I needed the smile.

Have a fantastic weekend.

kisatrtle said...

Fantastic

B. WHITTINGTON said...

These are a hoot. You find the neatest stuff.
I'm having trouble finding pictures and things you are allowed to post.
When I did the sleep apnea blog post I wanted a photo of a sleep apnea machine cartoon. All were copyrighted.
Oh well. You are good. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it this morning.
Blessings, Barb

Dianne said...

I love the sneaky neighbor dog and the wedding dress worn by mistake :)

thanks for the good thoughts for all the snow bound east of me
there are still 100s of cars stranded on the Long Island Expressway

Wendy said...

Cute, Pat.
I'll have to share some of these with my husband. Thanks!
Hope you're doing well.
=-)

Pieces of Sunshine said...

You have some beauties here Pat, I'm still smiling.

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

:))))) Thanks...laughs are great on Sunday too for us latecomers.

Adam said...

very funny!

Lynda said...

These are really funny! I don't know where you find the stuff but hope there are more like these soon. They're good.

Betty Manousos said...

too funny!

these are all exceptional!
british humour is indeed different.
thanks for sharing:)

have a great week ahead~

big hugs