Saturday, May 8, 2010

Meet My Nemesis

You know how I talk about traveling on the road, just the two of us, Jim and me?


These past five years it's been Jim, me, and my nemesis:

Yep. That's right, folks. A frickin' exercise ball. You ask why I hate it so much? BECAUSE IT'S THERE. IT TAKES UP SPACE. A LOT OF SPACE.

I can count on one hand, okay maybe both hands and my feet (if I could reach them) how many times Jim has used this.

He says that the ball is good for his back.

He does this weird exercise. He sits on the ball and then rolls his hips from side to side.

He looks like a squatting dog that wiggles it's butt right before it takes a poop.

Either that or I should be hearing Barry White belting out "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Baby"

and I should be watching Jim do this on the naughty channel.

I've tried to do some stretching exercises on the ball, but I have difficulty with it.

Jim says the ball is probably too big for me. SHUT UP.

I sit on it. I roll my hips to the left, then the right.

It only makes me want to pee.

Then I lay across the ball with my legs stretched out behind me, my arms out in front of me. That is supposed to stretch my lower back. What it DOES is smush my bazoombas AND I look like a beached whale. Yeah. So THAT'S not happening.


I've asked Jim if we can deflate the ball, and only inflate it when he uses it. He says that would be too much trouble.

So I've been dreaming up murder plots in my mind. For the ball, I mean.

Remember the famous shower scene in the movie Psycho?

Photo courtesy of

Sounds good, right? Nah. Couldn't fit the ball in our shower stall.

Then I thought of that line in the song, "Cell Block Tango - He had it Coming" from the musical Chicago when that one chick was talking about why she was in prison. She said her husband accidentally walked into her knife. He accidentally walked into her knife 10 times.

Do you think Jim would believe me if I fell while holding a butcher knife and I "accidentally" stabbed that stupid ball 10 times?

Probably not.

So, alas, I guess I must put up with it. I can't help but think that damn thing is sneering at me.

For your enjoyment. "Cell Block Tango - He Had It Coming" from the musical Chicago.


misslynda said...

One of the office women in one of our physicians' offices uses one of those balls for her computer desk chair. She is about a size 3.

Brian Miller said...

haha. its stalking you. we had one hen T was having the boys to help her stretch...i think i eventually stabbed ours....

A New England Life said...

It seems to me that you and that ball have some issues you need to work out. Maybe you could tether it to the roof, or attach it to the back of the motorhome like a bicycle. Or throw it out the window ; )

Gail said...

How about placing it on the commode ring and it can be a work of art while not in use.

You could cover it with a blanket where it won't look at you.

I had one of those but it was so tiny.No smarts cracks here, it was the size of a basketball! I either did not add enough air or ordered the wrong one.

I have too many balls around here already without having another one screaming my name.

How about a candle set up for romance but, darn, you accidently set it up too close...

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Could you not arrange to have a nap in the trailer while Jim is driving .... watch for a bridge over water .... open the door and throw it over the side. Tallyho!

All unused exercise equipment does seem to lurk and smirk and hover doesn't it.

Great read Pat!

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I have one exactly like that hiding in my closet........

Happy Mother's Day!!

Steven Anthony said...

youve said you have no check list when packing what id said ball was left(by accident) at one of the places you visited, far far away:)

Boomka said...

lol I LOVE the excercise ball. My mom has/had one that she never used. I was always teh one using it. She finally deflated it after coming to the conclusion that she wasn't going to use it. Sometimes when I was at the gym, when I used to go, I would do the wiggle butt on the ball. It just feels good!

Bossy Betty said...

It follows you around, doesn't it? Mine does! Drives me crazy!

Wendy said...

Don't do it Pat!

Resist the temptation!

'Cause you know if something happens to that ball...
he'll just go get another one...

[NOW you can start playin' that Psycho music!]


Betty said...

Stalking ball. Isn't it?