Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I should have been born a gay man!

Then at least I'd be able to put on eye liner correctly. Look at Adam Lambert.

Or if not a gay man, then maybe just a man. Why is it that men can put eye liner on better than ME?

This is actually called "Guyliner". True. I guess it's not just for rock stars anymore, either.

The following instructions on how to apply guyliner are from

My comments are in red.


Step 1

Purchase black eyeliner. Unlike women, who can choose a rainbow of eyeliner shades, men should stick to basic black eyeliner.

Why should men be limited to just black? Hey, if they are going to wear eye liner, why not be able to chose from a whole palette of colors? Or would that be crossing the "line" so to say, over to the other side? Not that wearing eyeliner guyliner is - crossing the line, I mean.

Step 2

Start with a black pencil eyeliner. Pencil eyeliners are softer and more forgiving of mistakes than the liquid eyeliners.

Pencil liners are SOFTER? That's a bunch of bull crap. I have yet to find a soft one. Usually the pencils are so hard it's like I'm carving the lines into my face.

Once you master putting on guyliner, you can switch to liquid eyeliner.

I didn't master ladyliner, I just jumped to the liquid eyeliner. I didn't graduate, didn't pass go, didn't collect $200, just bought the liquid liner and called it a day.

Step 3

Brace your arm against a bathroom counter and lean in very close to the mirror. Steady your hand, as applying eyeliner with a shaky hand will not create the desired result.

No shit, sherlock. See below.

Step 4

Outline your eyes, top and bottom, making the line thick. Feel free to go all the way up both corners.

Make the line thick? Seriously? If I make the lines thick, I look something like this:

Step 5

Smudge the eyeliner upwards and outwards with your finger or a professional smudger

(What the hell is a "Professional Smudger", where would you find him/her, and how much do they cost?)

to give it a smudged and less perfect look.

Step 6

Practice makes perfect. Even women who have been wearing eyeliner for years can mess up the application.

Have they been peeking in my window?

Have make-up remover available the first few times you put on your guyliner. Expect to remove and reapply it a few times to get it correct.


I can't draw a straight line if my life depended on it. I don't know if it's because:

a) I have shaky hands,
b) I have wrinkly eyelids,
c) I can't see worth shit without my glasses on; or
d) All of the above.

That's all I know, sometimes my eyeliner looks like the zoom-zoom road that Mazda advertises.

Maybe I should get my eyeliner permanently tattooed on my lids.

Here are some before and after pictures of permanent eyeliner taken at a studio.

I must say, they look really nice. Of course, what would probably happen after I'd shell out the money for this procedure is, twenty years down the road this type of tattoo would be known as the

mark of the devil

and I would be stoned to death from an angry crowd.


Kathy's Klothesline said...

Thanks for my morning laugh!! I use a magnified mirror since it is really hard to put make-up on while wearing glasses. Not a good idea to wear them in the shower either......

Anonymous said...

One thing they forgot to warn you of when leaning in "very close to the mirror" is to be careful not to stab yourself in the damned eye and thusly blinding yourself so you can't see to put the stupid shit on every again!!!

And I am glad to hear that you are actually SUPPOSED to put it on thick to resemble your lovely furry friend because by the time I get done and get it on, that is EXACTLY what it looks like. It starts at about the nostrilesque area and runs to about the hairline.

Of course by the time my eyes quit watering and crying, I resemble something akin to a cross between Rocky there and Alice Cooper's bastard love child.

All in the name of fashion...

Deb said...

you are just too funny....and usually guys have dark eye lashes...big eyes...we women have to work so hard at it all...

Brian Miller said...

i gave up eye liner years ago...smiles.

for a different kind of girl said...

Ha! I completley agree! I have an arsenal of eyeliners and a phobia of wearing them. Sure, it may start out looking reasonably OK when I'm done getting ready for the day, but by the time I've made it downstairs and out the door, I'll look in a mirror and discover I've got eyeliner smudges running down my cheek. Maybe what I need is a gay make up artist come take care of this process for me!

f8hasit said...

I read an article the other day that said that smokey eyes are sexier the next day. They suggested that you do a heavy, almost raccoon eye the day before and then tissue it off before you go out.
That will go over really well at the office Friday morning.
"I've got a hot date tonight! Trying to get my eyeliner perfect for tonight!"


Rae said...

Not only can men apply it better, they often look much much better in it too. I gave up years ago. Even it I got it on correctly I would forget it was there rub it and smudge it all over my face - of course no one would bother to tell me and I would walk around like that for hours.

natural girl said...

This was soo funny i laughed myself silly annddd my eyeliner ended up halfway down my face!!!

Anonymous said...

lol...i wore eyeliner in the late 80's early 90's .... i must admitt i looked grrrrrrrrrrrrreat;)

WhisperingWriter said...

This made me giggle.

I have no idea how to apply eyeliner very well.

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

Funny Pat! I met a woman (in an RV resort swim class yet) who had just gotten permanent eyeliner tattoos; she described it as a painful process, but she said "at least I won't stick myself in the eye again" If she'd asked me I could have given her an easier and cheaper solution ;>) Just say quit!

Gail said...

If I am feeling down, I know who to visit. You give me laughs, belly laughs, good hearty laughs, happy laughs!

...then I wonder, where the hell you get these ideas!! I wonder what kind of mind could create these posts.

Then I laugh some more! This is great, thank you.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm Johnny Depp.

Wanda said...

All the men looked silly EXCEPT Johnny Depp! I agree with Laura!

Donna B said...

I LOVE ADAM LAMBERT!!! Personally, at my age, I have almost given up sagging eyelids hide it anyway...

SquirrelQueen said...

I gave up on eyeliner a long time ago. I have allergies and sometimes my eye will itch or get watery....imagine what the liner looks like!

I'm agreeing with Laura too, Johnny Depp.

Anonymous said...

I am laughing my butt off! You are too funny! Just for the record, did ehow tell women how to apply eyeliner as well?

Fran Hill @ Being Miss said...

That was hilarious! Very funny post. It's infuriating though how good those guys look with OUR make-up on. Just imagine how we'd look if we wore their beards? SO unfair.

otin said...

The only eyeliner that I wear is grease that I accidentally wipe with my hands!!

Carletta said...

I go with what God gave me - saves time. :)
You are a riot Pat!
Doesn't Adam Lambert look like the quintessential vampire? If they WERE real I'd want him biting my neck - gay or not!
THANK YOU for posting Johnny Depp -OH MY! (sigh)

Toni said...

This made me laugh out loud!! You are hilarious! I think your blog is going to become a fast favorite of mine!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

you continue to crack me up! I've given up on eye-liner and have just opted to go without. It matches my "mascara-less" eye lashes. I end up poking myself in the eye, or my eyes water because I'm allergic to the darn stuff.