Thursday, February 11, 2010

If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."

~ Freddie Starr

I am a loser.

Not the "nobody-loves-me-everybody-hates-me-I-eat-worms-all-day" kind of loser. I mean the kind of loser who never wins ANYTHING.

To make matters worse - I married a loser.

One loser X one loser = extremely bad luck.

My husband, Jim, still faithfully buys a lottery ticket every week. We are lucky if we get one, MAYBE two numbers. He plays the Power Ball lottery.

Not only do we have to pick the six winning numbers, but also decide which one of those numbers is going to be the POWER BALL. Yeah. Close to impossible.

I suggested that we play the Little Lotto where you only have to pick 3 numbers.

His response?

"Nah, the pot's too low!"

The jackpot for the Power Ball can get way up there in the gazillions, well, maybe 150 - 180 MILLION dollars. The Little Lotto is maybe $100,000. You know, peanuts.

Sometimes Jim will pick up some scratch off tickets for me.

Win $7000! Win up to $50,000! Four Chances to Win!

They all scream out to me. My heart races and my pupils dilate. I grab my lucky (or truth be told UNLUCKY) penny and begin scratching off the tickets.

I dream of what $50,000 could do for me.....Pay off some bills, buy a small economical car.....

Okay, maybe I'm setting my sights too high. I'd be happy with $10,000!

Scratch, scratch, scratch.....


scratch, damn!



Do I hear $500?

How about $100? 75?

Oh, yeah. Every blue moon I'll get a free ticket. So I get to do this all over again.

This is what a losing lottery ticket looks like:

I've played BINGO at different campgrounds. Have I ONCE called out, "BINGO!" Nope! Well, only when I'm singing, "There was a farmer had a dog and BINGO was his name-o!"

We have raffles all the time at the resort where we stay all winter. Have I ever won anything? Zip. Zilch. Nada. Wait, I DO remember winning once. That's right. I won a bread basket. Of course, the other prizes were things like wine, four tickets to the Phoenix Symphony Orchestra, etc. Me? Two loaves of bread. So in a way, I was STILL a loser.

Giveaways on blogs? Nary a one have I won.

I guess the biggest indication that Jim and I are a couple of losers was when we went to the racetrack.

We had no idea what we were doing, just picking and choosing horses at random. We bet on a particular horse, can't remember it's name, but it should have been called "Can't Make It" because it DROPPED DEAD before crossing the finish line. True Story.

Who knew on the racing form next to "Win", "Place", and "Show", that they needed to add another category "Finish".

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."


Wanda said...

I won a rocking chair once at a furniture store...
The bad luck wife story is very funny!

Brian Miller said...

dropped dead...oh have only ever bought 2 lotto tix...neither any good.

Nancy said...

LOL! I'm sorry to laugh, but since I'm a loser too, I can relate to this post. I did win a cookbook once - not a very good one, but at least it went to me. But, like you, whatever I play loses. :-(

Anonymous said...

well from one loser to another, nice to know ya;)

SquirrelQueen said...

I once won three hundred dollars playing the slots at a casino but that was a fluke (and we won't talk about how much I've lost in case hubby is reading this). Usually I never win anything.

jinksy said...

Why do you think I blog under the name of jinksy?!

Wendy said...

Pat, you may be a loser, but you certainly brighten up MY day!
Thank you!

Allen said...

Pat, I dont think of you as a looser, I think of you as a winner. You are living the life that some of us want.

Your blog makes me laugh most of the time.

Today on the other hand, well that stupid song is stuck in my head now. ugh b-i-n-g-o. Thanks!

Rae said...

I have no luck either Never won a thing. I am sure my husband would agree with that man in a coma and call me bad luck too.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

I won $200 on a scatch-off once, but it was on the 18th birthday of my twins and I let my daughter convince me to give half of it to her, it being her birthday. My son refused to take the other half of my winnings, but I spent it on him anyway ......

WhisperingWriter said...

I haven't won anything either. Wait, I did win a giveaway but when I got the box, nothing was in it :(

Gail said...

How did I miss this post??

Hilarious and I am right there with you. I did win at Bingo once, when I went to the bathroom and someone was watching my card. I did not even get the thrill of yelling. I returned and here's what you won while you were gone.

Oh, I forgot the time I was at a Stanley party and they kept drawing prizes until everyone had won. Guess who was last, right, me and I won a dust pan!

otin said...

I never win anything!

You should really do a standup routine! Roseanne has got nothing on you when it comes to being funny!

Ruth said...

Never won at lottery, but we did win a trip to a resort once. I think you're due. I feel something coming this year, for you.

Linda Pendleton said...

Oh, well, we can't all win... but we keep trying..