Saturday, February 6, 2010

Who would want to sleep with me?

I am NOT an easy person to sleep with. And I don't mean playing "hiding the salami", "doing the nasty dance", or "bow-chicka-bow-wow." I'm actually talking Sleep.

Let me explain.

I always had vivid dreams growing up and had some episodes of sleep walking. We had four bedrooms in our house, and six kids. One night I went to bed downstairs and woke up in an upstairs bedroom. Another time I was walking out the front door when my brother, Mickey, asked me where I was going. "I'm going to Kim's house." It was midnight. I was about twelve.

Fast forward a few years.

I woke up screaming and standing up against the wall with my hands and legs spread out wide like I was trying to hold the wall up. I had dreamed that the walls were falling down. My father heard me scream and yelled up the stairs, "Are you okay?" That woke me up and I was startled to find myself in this odd position. I laughed and replied that I was fine.

Then the movie The Exorcist came out.

IT.SCARED.THE.CRAP.OUT.OF.ME. Like it should any good Catholic girl. It probably didn't help that the only seats available in the theater were in the front row. And there we sat, my twin sister and I, along with some friends, with our necks cranked all the way back, wincing when Linda Blair spewed her green pea soup all over.

I watched the movie in terror, through my hands on my face. The movie had such an effect on me that my sister wanted me to talk to the local priest. Seriously. Anyway, my sister and I shared a large "L-shaped" bedroom upstairs. The bottom of the "L" was the dormer that my Dad had added on the house. The longer part of the "L" had slanted roof like an "A" frame. Each of our beds lined each side of the A. This is important to get the whole picture here.

That particular night, I had a horrible nightmare about the devil coming after me. For some ungodknown reason, I stood up on my bed, screaming my head off. But I couldn't stand up straight because the ceiling had an angle to it. So there I was, hunched over, and screeching like a banshee.

In the meantime, good ole Pami, my twin sister over there, minding her own business, is having her OWN nightmare. And for some ungodknown reason, SHE stands up on HER bed, well, hunched over, actually, and begins screaming, too.

Hearing each other scream wakes us up from our dreams.

I'm amazed to find myself standing up on my bed. I asked Pam, "Why are YOU screaming?"

She said, "I dreamed that there were snakes coming under our door! Why are YOU screaming?"

"I dreamed of the devil!" (See the connection here? snakes = devil!)

All of a sudden, we burst out laughing hysterically. We fell on our beds and laughed and laughed and laughed. Twenty minutes later our Dad yelled up the stairs, "Hey, are you kids alright?"

Well, this started a new fit of laughter.

"Dad," I said, "We could have been KILLED by now! What took you so long to see what was the matter?"

"Well, I heard the screaming so I ran and looked out the front window and didn't see anything. Then I ran and looked out into the back yard and didn't see anything. I figured you guys were okay 'cause nobody came in the house! But then I thought I should check on you!"

My brother's bedroom was across the hall from us. He wasn't home at the time. But when he heard the story the next morning he kiddingly said, "I should have shot you both and put you out of your misery!"

Things seemed to settle down a little after that. I was busy planning my wedding and thinking about moving into my first apartment. I dreamed about moving and did wake up with a lamp in my arms one morning though.

I got married and thought I would grow out of all this walking/talking in my sleep nonsense.

I was wrong.

One night I said to my (first) husband, IN MY SLEEP, REALLY, "I'm so mad at you that I could wipe SHIT all over your face!" Nice, isn't it?

Still with this same husband, we got a dog, named Rusty. He weighed about 45 pounds. One night I dreamed that someone was breaking into our apartment. Oh my God! He's on our bed! I started screaming at the top of my lungs. My husband jumped up from a dead sleep and said, "What's wrong?"

I yelled, "There's someone in here! He's on the bed!"

He kicked as hard as he could and you know what happened?

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Poor little Rusty let out a yelp like a coon dog as he went flying across the room and slammed into the wall. Yep. My so called "intruder" was just my dog sneaking up on the bed. My husband was furious!

"That was the dog, you idiot!"

I felt so bad for Rusty, I was mad at my husband for calling me an idiot, and my heart was beating out of my chest. Just another night in paradise.

We got divorced a few years later.

Now I'm with my current husband, Jim, but things didn't get any better in the sleeping drama department. Usually I would dream about things I saw throughout that day. So if by chance I saw bugs or any other kind of creepy crawler thingy on TV? I'd dream about it at night. And chances were high that I'd see them because Jim watched the Discovery Channel a lot. He still does.

So here's what would happen.

I'd wake up screaming about bugs crawling all over me.

Or I'd crawl under the covers to the foot of the bed hiding from them. Or I'd wake Jim up and tell him that a mouse crawled across my pillow. Or that a big spider was hanging down right over my head. Like I said, I'm a real riot to sleep with.

I've even woke up swinging and Jim has had to wrestle my arms down so he wouldn't get smacked. Imagine going to work and explaining how you got that black eye?

Now that I'm older, things have calmed down somewhat. I still have wild dreams, but I'm just too damn tired to act them out. Once in awhile I'll say something to Jim in my sleep, but most of the time, I keep those thoughts to myself. The only thing coming out of my mouth now are snores. Jim should be thankful of that. I'm just going to have to remind him of that fact next time he complains about my snoring.


Anonymous said...

wow.......thats some wild nights;)
a good example of getting better as we get older;)

peace my friend

Fran Hill @ Being Miss said...

I've given up driving now, and one of the reasons is that, if I'd been on a fast or long drive somewhere, I would dream about it, and wake up thinking I'd crashed. Terrifying. The non-driving life is so much more peaceful.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Now I REALLY don't want to sleep with you!

Tooooooo funny.

Rae said...

Geez - I would hate to know what kind of dreams you would have if you ever developed a case of psychosis. I hope Jim locks the knives up at night. I used to dream a lot when I worked. I relived a bunch of patient care during my sleep and did a lot of talking.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

I can totally relate to this. Not the same exact dreams, but the same types of reactions to things - I then dream about them. I talk in my sleep and walk in my sleep. I don't walk in my sleep anymore (at least, not to my knowledge) but I will sometimes talk and carry on a conversation in my sleep.

misslynda said...

I think we all have odd dreams that combine events from our current life - - but you do seem to get close to first prize for yours. Praying before sleep that you will have good rest can help.

Gail said...

I am so glad I do not have night terrors or sleep walking. BUT, we did do a number on our children after they watched the Exorcist. They are permanently warped due to me squatting behind a chair acting as if my head was turning as I screeched their names. Hubby crawled under their bed, without them knowing it, and made their bed levitate.

Read my next book, How To Raise A Totally Twisted Child.

otin said...

I did the sleep walking thing when I was a kid, but have not done it in years. I am told that I snore, though.

Once again, you are the funniest person that I know!

Allen said...

I had a friend that did the same as you. One night I spent the night at his house and woke up to his dad yelling, "every body up" Michael is gone.

We found him in the middle of a busy street, naked and screaming.

Its funny now, but at the time it was a bit scary.

I have only walked in my sleep a few times. But I have wild and crazy dreams all the time.

I am glad to hear that you have calmed down. =o)

Toni said...

To date, my poor husband has endured: punches to the face, mule kicks, elbow in the ribs, finger in the nose, being felt up, a nipple squeeze that left a bruise, a shoulder bite, and being pushed out of the bed while I screamed "get off me asshole"...all while I slept peacefully. I completely understand where you are coming from.

Anonymous said...

Next time my husband rags about my snoring, I'm going to send him over to read this and tell him it could be worse. The Exorcist did me in, too...and I NEVER saw the movie, only the preview!It still haunts me!

Wendy said...

Hey, *I* have a brother named Mickey too!!!

And the Exorcist scared me so bad that I STILL haven't watched it! If I come in the room & my husband has it on tv (which has happened a few times in our 26 yrs), I turn around & go right back out! I don't need to WATCH it to know it's TOO SCARY FOR ME!!! And I'm not even Catholic! ;)

KaLynn said...

Rabbit did that stuff when he was little. It was horrible.

Glad they have calmed down!

Barb said...

I, too, walked and talked in my sleep as a kid. It's a good thing I don't act out my dreams now. Whenever I dream about my husband he's always being mean to me. (this is never true in real life, btw) I'd probably be smacking him all the time!

Betty said...

Are you kidding me! I'd love to sleep with you!LOL!!
I've seen this movie. Too scary!
Betty xx

Boomka said...

Oh Pat you are the most hilariously lewd, inaprope, ridiculous over 30 female I know... and I DIG it. I mean who would talk about sleep issues and in the same post include the excorcist, ants, and the phrase "hide the salami." You make me feel like a prude! Hilarious.

Anonymous said...


Carletta said...

I wish my life was as least a third of the riot yours seems to have been/is!
I'm always laughing by the time I leave here.

SquirrelQueen said...

Gosh Pat, I have to remember to warn you if I post a bug photo. I would hate to cause nightmares.

It's my hubby that acts out the bad dreams. Fortunately he outgrew the punching and sleep walking before we met. No screaming but he does talk in his sleep.