Friday's Funnies

An old woman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"


The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!  We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!!

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.  

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week."

Live by this credo: Have a little laugh at life and look

around you for happiness instead of sadness.

Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

RED SKELTON

Friday's Funnies #10

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young Produce Assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the Manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his Manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The Manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the Manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Green Bay, Wisonsin, Sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Green Bay?” the Manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players up there.”

“Really,” said the Manager. “My WIFE is from Green Bay.”

“No shit,” replied the boy. “What POSITION did she play?”

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
 “Father, my dog is dead...Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal
in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'“

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?”

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.

William Shakespeare