Friday's Funnies #10

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young Produce Assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the Manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his Manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The Manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the Manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Green Bay, Wisonsin, Sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Green Bay?” the Manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players up there.”

“Really,” said the Manager. “My WIFE is from Green Bay.”

“No shit,” replied the boy. “What POSITION did she play?”

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
 “Father, my dog is dead...Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal
in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.”

Muldoon said, “I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'“

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?”

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.

William Shakespeare