Why I don't like walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we
don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year ...
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
.....'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
...... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

.... and

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


ANY OF YOU BREAK YOUR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YET?

Stupid is as stupid does

Okay, see here's the thing. I do stupid things maybe once a month, week, day. I'm not proud of it, but as my sister, Linda, likes to say, "It is what it is."

You've probably read how people should "exercise" their brain, and although I hate exercise in any way, shape, OR form, I thought I'd give it a try.

I take a stab at Sudoku puzzles.



True, I can't get past a "3-star" (medium) one, (5 star being the hardest). What usually happens is that I ball the paper up in frustration and throw it across the room towards the wastepaper basket - and miss!

I do the daily crossword puzzles in the paper, in INK mind you. Monday starts easy and the puzzle gets progressively harder as the week goes on. Sometimes I finish Monday's puzzle.

We do keep a crossword puzzle book in the bathroom to make your shitting sitting pleasure more enjoyable. The first 30-50 pages are the simple puzzles that you can breeze through in one sitting.

My point to all of this is, I try folks. I really try to make the ole neurons in my brain connect like they are supposed to. But somewhere along the way, they are misfiring.

Take for instance this morning. I needed a mirror so I could see the back of my hair. My small hand mirror got broken (I know!) on our flight back to Arizona. So I've been walking around for days not knowing what my "do" looks like in the back. Totally frustrated, I started rummaging through my three bags of make up that I don't wear - thinking that there had to be a mirror in there. I scored! I found this.



Now - you all might be wondering, "What's so stupid about that?" Patience my children. This little make up item was a free gift from a clothing store. I have picked this up and looked at it SEVERAL times and wanted to used it. But I wasn't sure what the stuff inside of it was exactly. On the back it reads:



Again I am puzzled. Which row is the eye shadow, and which row is the lip gloss?



Today I was happy just to use the mirror. You noticed that two brushes were included with this kit. I turned the kit over to dump the brushes out and while I was turning the kit back over, this is what I found.



That's right. A secret compartment with the eyeshadow. Ta-da! So now I know. The eyeshadows are on the bottom compartment; lip glosses are on the top. How many times did I pick this up, turn it over and read it, turn it back and study it, then put it aside? At least 3. How stupid am I?


Stupid Incident No. 2

The other day I went to grab my toothbrush and my brain farted. I couldn't remember which brush was mine. I know this isn't earth shattering, but it's troubling nonetheless. I yelled to my husband, "Which toothbrush is yours?"

"Uh, the blue one?" He answered - not too assuredly.

"The BLUE one?" I shrieked knowing full well that this meant he used it that morning. "I think that's MINE!" I said with a sudden flash of memory. I mean, really, what are the chances that the both of us would forget which toothbrush we use? Seriously? And, eww, the thought of someone else using my toothbrush totally grosses me out. I don't care if it's the same mouth I stick my tongue in at night! I say the blue one is mine! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Stupid Incident No. 3

One time I was walking out of a restroom in a restaurant and saw a glimpse of a woman walking towards me. I thought, "Wow! What a coincidence! She has on the same top that I do!" Yep, it was a mirror!

Stupid Incident No. 4

We played bocce ball over the weekend with a group of friends. One of them was blind. He played better than me. It would be funny if it were true. It's true. Go ahead and laugh. Got it out of your system? Good!

So now it's your turn to make ME laugh. What stupid things have YOU done lately? Come on, spill it.

Raindrops keep falling on my head

For our connecting flight to Chicago, we made a quick stop in Dallas. It was raining that day. Before the plane left the gate, I gazed out the window and saw the perfect photo for weekend reflections. I quick grabbed my camera and snapped it. I think this guy pushes the plane away from the gate. Yeah. He's pretty strong.



I was happy with that photo, then enter stage left (or is it stage right, I can never get that right!) Mr. I'm-feeling-like-a-Chiquita-banana-Guy here. Yowzer! There's no missing him!



For more reflection photos, join James here.

Watery Wednesday #69

I've been away for a couple of weeks so I've missed a few posts for Watery Wednesday. Today's pictures are from when we were in Nashville, TN. People told us that we HAD to visit the Gaylord Opryland Hotel and just walk around it. It truly was something to behold. One whole section, called the "Delta", is made up like the city of New Orleans.



Everything looks so lush - there are green plants every where. There is even a small river that winds around through the center of the hotel.



You could get on a small flat boat and take a ride on the river.



Remember. You are INSIDE a HOTEL! You will pass waterfalls!



There are shops and restaurants spread throughout the hotel. It was the Christmas season when we visited, so the decorations were phenomenal. Another section is called the Garden Conservatory. Again, there are more shops and restaurants. And plants, fountains, and waterfalls.





Here is a small video of the cute fountains....



For more Watery Wednesday photos, click HERE.

Coffee? Tea? Or is it just Me?

I HATE coffee. There. I said it. I know I'm one of the few out there who doesn't drink it. I am a tea drinker. I am NOT a second class citizen. But many restaurants treat me as if I were one.

When my husband and I go out to breakfast - he orders coffee, and I order tee. His cup is constantly filled to the brim with freshly brewed coffee.

I get ONE TEA BAG and am LUCKY if I can get the waitress to bring me more hot water.

This is what I don't understand. If we are both charged, let's say, $1.50 for a cup of tea/coffee, why is it that his cup of coffee is bottomless, while I get one STINKING tea bag? Does that seem fair?

Recently we were out to breakfast. We ordered our usual coffee and tea. The waitress brought me back a tiny little teapot and a mug full of hot water. Altogether that made about 1 1/2 cups of tea. I drank that before my breakfast even arrived so I needed more to drink to go with my meal. The waitress came by and asked if I needed more hot water and I said, "Yes, and could you bring me another tea bag, please?"

You would have thought that I asked her to hang me from the ceiling by my ankles.

She brought back the pot of hot water and a new tea bag and said, "Shh! Don't tell any one!"

Seriously - do you think anyone in the restaurant gives a rats ass that I got two tea bags for the price of one? And c'mon folks! A box of 100 tea bags cost, on average, a little over five bucks a box. If I do my calculations correctly, that's a little over a nickle a bag. I think they can afford to give me a freaking new bag with every cup. Don't you agree?

Usually my little teapot or mug is ignored. Every once in awhile a waitress will ask if I need more hot water. I drink my tea with cream and sugar, so it looks like coffee. Many times the waitress offers to "warm" it up with coffee. I take my chances and put my hand over the mug so they won't ruin my tea. Yeah. That's right. I'd rather SCALD my hand than drink coffee-tasting tea.

IHOP (International House of Pancakes) is one of the few restaurants that treat tea drinkers equally. We get our own teapots on the table right next to the coffeepot. Albeit they are smaller that the coffeepot, but baby steps, you know?

Now if I can only get the rest of the restaurants to follow suit. Either that or I'm going to have to start bringing my own tea bags along with me.

For your viewing pleasure, here's something to show you that teapots are not just for brewing tea. Enjoy!

The Doctor Will See You Now

During my two week visit back home, I was pricked, prodded, probed, felt up, x-rayed and scanned. No, I was not abducted by aliens. I had my annual check up with my gynecologist and my internist. I can think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

My internist is pretty thorough and wants to cover ALL the bases, leave not stone unturned, no part of my body unexposed, as it may be. I've been going to her for years, and she has agreed to keep me on as a patient while I travel around this great country of ours. I visit her twice a year when I'm in town - once during the summer and once during the Christmas holidays.

My internist ordered a variety of tests and to save time and gas, I had the lab work, bone density and mammogram all scheduled for the same morning.

I had the mammogram first. This experience wasn't TOO bad. Read These Hooters are Supersized about my previous experiences.

The new gowns they make you wear are a laugh. Picture the cape a beautician wraps around your neck before a haircut. Got it? Okay, now picture that same cape, only 15 inches long. Yeah. With an opening in the front so they have easy access to the girls. Then they place a tape that has a little metal dot the size of a bebe across your nipples so it shows up on the film like, "Hey! Here's a nipple!" Although how anything is distinguishable in a smushed phase is beyond me.

I still believe every woman is entitled to wear a sticker after a mammogram that reads, Be kind to me - I just had my tits squished! (Or substitute the word "boobs" if you totally abhor the word "tits".)

After the mammo it was time for the bone density test. I thought she'd let me change first, but no. I had to tip-toe across the hall with my be-be taped tits hanging low out of the cape like a milk laden udder. Luckily no one was sitting in the hallway.

I had to fill out a questionnaire - one of the main questions being if I was right or left handed. Then they scan the opposite side of your body. There is some correlation there - I'm just not sure what. It seems to me that being right-handed, my whole RIGHT SIDE would be used more. Ergo....SCAN the right side because those bones would show the most use. But alas, I am NOT a doctor, and so, my left side was scanned.

There was a triangular pillow at the foot of the long table on which I had to lie down upon. Then my left foot was velcroed (spell check didn't recognized velcroed. What's the past tense of velcro? Is it even a word? You know what I mean.) How about this? The nurse used velcro to hold my foot at a 45 degree angle to the table.

There I was lying pigeon-toed on a table with my be-be tipped tits pooling into my pits, looking ready for a haircut, when the technician asked, "Comfortable?"

What I WANTED to say was, "Maybe if I was in to a little S&M," but what I DID say was, "Uh, sure."

"Okay," the tech continued, "Lie still. This will only take a few minutes."

The machine has an arm that hung over the table above me. It slowly moved over my body, measuring the density of the bones in my ankle, hip and spine.



Thankfully the machine stopped before it reached my brain because I'm afraid of what it would have found there. I could just see the lights flashing and various alarms going off - WARNING! WARNING! TOO DENSE TO READ!

Things that make you go brrrrr............

Time for the weather report. It's cold out folks. Bonecrushing cold. The kind of cold which will wrench the spirit out of a young man, or forge it into steel.

Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Lost and Found, 1992


Although we are back in sunny Arizona from our trip "up nort der" in "Illy-noise" and "Minny-soe-tah", I thought I'd share with you what cold looks like. Or - what cold means to me. I believe all photos were taken from the passenger seat of the vehicle so if they're a little blurry - so be it. Or if they have a funny shade of blue - it's the tinted windows. I wasn't about to roll the window down to take the shot and freeze the ass off my husband and son, although it was tempting.

You know it's cold when you can't even see out of your side mirror because it's frosted over!




Doesn't this look inviting? Did you ever have a picnic in the WINTER? This was taken at a rest stop area on the way to MN.




These are rabbit tracks in my daughter's driveway. I believe they are both coming and going. Either that or they have freakazoid rabbits in her town.




Killer icicles!



Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam......



Nothing but open, snow-filled fields and barren trees.




This is the St. Croix River that we cross over at the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota. It is frozen over.



What spells winter and cold more than a snowmobile on the back of a pickup truck whose license plate is "68 SNOW"?



This farmer looks like he's growing snow. He can stop now - we have plenty to go around.




NEEDS NO EXPLANATION!



This is the Wisconsin River. You can see that it is only partially frozen.



I have to say, the snow and barren trees sure makes pretty pictures.



I hope you enjoyed this trip through Winter Wonderland. I have lots of photos to share with you from our trip. Just have to arm wrestle my husband for computer time, since our lap top bit the dust and we're down to one computer. But, here's a little bit of trivia for you - I have 12" biceps and used to beat a LOT of people in arm wrestling. Now I lost strength in my hands, damn it! But, back in the day, whoa! In fact, in 6th grade I beat every body in arm wrestling, both boys AND girls, except Jack Indurante. Geez, I don't know if that's something to really brag about, but I'm just saying.....Maybe that's why my breasts are so big. Is that a direct correlation? I wonder.......

Weekend Reflections #16

Although the holiday season is over, I couldn't resist posting these Christmas reflections.


This first one is a photo of the 18 foot Christmas tree that is in the ballroom at the resort where we spend the winter months in Arizona. The decorations were gorgeous this year throughout the ballroom and the park.



This second photo was taken at my sister's house. She also decorates her house so beautifully. I just loved the reflection of the decorations in the mirror, with the lighting just coming from the Christmas lights and candles.



For more reflections, click here.

Decisions, decisions

The holidays are over, the Christmas decorations are stored away, and we are back in Arizona. Life is good.

The New Year is a time of reflection and wonderment. Reflecting on times gone by - at things you may or may not have accomplished during the past year, and wondering on how time went by so fast and what your future holds. No one really knows what lies ahead for them, but I feel that our way of living is particularly fragile.

This "living-on-the-road" business started out to be a one year trek that has stretched to 5 years (in April). Each January I wonder, "Is THIS the year we settle down and buy a place?"

Don't get my wrong. There are many, many advantages to being on the road, seeing new things, eating in new places, and meeting new people. It's like constantly being on vacation. And that's my point. Don't you sometimes just look forward to getting home after a long vacation?

I really love spending the winter months in Arizona. This is our fifth season here in the same park, and we've made a lot of friends. They are our family away from home. In fact, this IS our second home.

My husband, Jim, who turned 65 in November, has been retired since February 2001. He was recently offered a position with a company who bid on a government contract. If this company wins the contract, Jim would then run the Chicago office. He would have to report immediately. You could imagine the things we'd have to deal with - such as finding a place to live, furnishing it, and what to do with the trailer, just to name a few.

We should hear the decision on the bid any time within the next three months. I'm trying to live with the Que Cera Cera attitude. I have mixed feelings. I would feel sad if we got off the road - yet this would be our opportunity to buy a place. Sometimes living in 400 square feet drives me up a wall. I'm not saying I need a huge place - around 1,000 square feet or so would be perfect - in fact that would seem like a mansion to me! And taking this job means no more Arizona - at least for awhile. The plus side is, of course, financially, and being nearer to my children and family, and a place to call home that doesn't move when you walk in it.

It's this not knowing business that is driving me crazy. If only I had a crystal ball to see the future!



Once I know "yea" or "nay", then I can get on with my life. But until then - it's always in the back of my mind.

So 2010 will either mark the 5th year anniversary of this nomad life - OR - be the year it all came to an end. Stay tuned and ride this wild roller coaster ride with me.

A busy two weeks......

Please bear with me while I am traveling.....I'm not posting as frequently as I'd like since I'm staying at various places and may or may not have access to the internet. Plus, how would it sound if I say, "Listen, I'd REALLY like to talk to you, and catch up on the news since I've been gone, but I MUST write on my blog. I have FOLLOWERS, you know?" Yeah. Just what I thought. Uncool. Sooo... things should get back to normal when we return.

My head is spinning from all the moving around we are doing. We spent a week in Northwestern IL at my sister's house, with the mouse, 3 kids from age 6 and under, and 5 adults (on a good day). Lots of activity there.

Then we drove up to Champlin, MN, where we spent the night at Jim's brother's house. It was fun catching up with them and also seeing Jim's sister, her significat other, and my 2 nephews. It was c-c-c-old up der in dem parts. In fact, my parts were cold!

In the morning we drove another 2 hours to Melrose, MN to another brother's house and ate lunch. Then Jim, Jason, (our son) and I drove over to the nursing home to see Jim's Dad. It was quite depressing. He's really gone down hill in the last year or so. He will turn 99 in February. He is a walking miracle (or should I say a sitting miracle since he is in a wheel chair) - the doctors are amazed that he is still alive. His kidneys are hardly functioning, his hearing is going, as is his sight. He told us that his life "was shot". My heart just went out to him. Jim's dad always had a great sense of humor. He was a very hardworking man and had a 200 acre farm and grew grain for the cows.

I'll never forget the time I told him about "tipping cows". He never had heard about this college prank of actually tipping a cow over. He laughed so hard till tears ran down his face. He said, "It must be those dumb Illinoisian cows - you can't tip a Minnesotan cow!" Right then a neighbor came over and he said, "Patty! Patty! Tell him the story about the tipping cow!" He continued laughing.

Later that evening with all of us kids gathered around the dinner table (Jim comes from a family of 8 kids), we discussed the cow tipping technique. We thought we should sneak out and try it, but thought that somebody should be on their hands and knees next to the cow so that it would have something to TIP OVER. Well, needless to say, we couldn't come up with a volunteer to be the tip-over-person. So the plan was scratched.



So to see Jim's Dad in the sort of helpless condition that we did was very hard. He had been a strong man and now he has no want or will to live. No one should live this long. That's just my own personal opinion.

That evening we went back to Jim's brother's house and spent the night. Another fun night of catching up on news, drinking, laughing, etc. Then New Years Eve morning we were on the road back to Chicagoland by 7:30 am.

By 5:00 that evening we were back at my sister's house. We shared a delicious meal brought in from Maggiano's - a great Italian restaurant.

New Year's Day morning Jim and I got back into the truck (borrowed from my brother) and drove 1 1/2 hours down to central Illinois to visit with my daughter and her family. It's been fun spending time with our granddaughter Lily. I will be posting pictures soon.

We depart for AZ on Tuesday. I hope to catch up on all your blogs.

Happy New Year everyone!