Friday's Funnies #38

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!    
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said:  “Shingles.” So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, “Shingles.“ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said,  “Shingles.“ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, “Shingles.“ The doctor asked, “Where?”

Kevin said, “Outside on the truck.”

“Where do you want me to unload 'em??”

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ed.”

Ed was stunned. “I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad," replied Ed the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never," said Ed.

"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

All you need in the world is love and laughter. That's all anybody needs. To have love in one hand and laughter in the other.

AUGUST WILSON

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have a wonderful holiday!

Signs - Nuts!

Thanks to Lesley for sponsoring Signs, Signs. Click here to view more!

Security Overload?

Jim and I just returned from a weekend trip to Florida for our niece's wedding. The wedding  was wonderful, the bride - beautiful, the groom - handsome. The trip? Not too spectacular.

We always try to arrive at the airport at LEAST 2 hours prior to our departure time. You never know how long it will take to go through security.

I understand the need for the security and, on the whole, I think TSA is doing a great job. But there are times when common sense and discretion should take precedence. When we were standing in line waiting to go through the body scan machine, I notice three people who were in wheel chairs. One was an older Asian woman sitting bent over in the chair. Someone came over to help her remove her jacket. I saw two things protruding out of her sweater in the back and at first thought maybe they were her shoulder bones (wings). I didn't think anymore of it. I glanced back again and just saw three empty wheel chairs which the TSA agent had to "pat" down before sending through the metal detector. I'm not sure about how the three people got to the other side (either through the regular metal detector or the body scan). I just saw the Asian woman standing there and the TSA agent said to her, "Are you wearing a brace?" The woman quietly said, "Yes." The next thing I knew, the agent lifted the woman's shirt and took off her brace. The TSA agent threw it about 8 feet across the room to another agent and said, "Scan this."

Okay. There are ways to doing this. First off, couldn't she have brought the woman to a closed off room to remove the brace? Did she have to throw the brace across the room?

The woman didn't say a word.

The TSA agent told her to go to the body scan. The old woman slowly walked to the machine, held up her arms, then walked back to the agent. The agent said, "Go back in there!" So the woman did it again.

All the while the woman didn't complain; in fact she didn't say a word. She did it with dignity, if one could possibly go through an airport scanner like that.

I was so tempted to say something, either to her, like to put my arm around her and say, "I'm sorry you had to endure that," or to the TSA agent, "Was that really necessary?"

But then decided to just keep my mouth shut. First off I didn't want to scare the old woman, and secondly, who knows if I would have been punished in some way by that TSA agent?

Good thing I didn't say anything. I could have gotten arrested. Read this link!

More about our trip later.

Friday's Funnies #37

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving

when you have to let your bathrobe out.

JAY LENO

Signs - Painted Lady

I pass this beautiful "painted lady" frequently and noticed the sign out front. I stopped one day to take a picture of it. Red Like Polish is a beauty spa. Brush and Floss, obviously, a dentist's office. I removed the dentist's name from the sign.

You can see more of the beautiful house in this one.

Thanks to Lesley for sponsoring Signs, signs. See more signs here.

Some of NYC Street Art

There is graffiti, and then there's street art. Here is some of the BEST street art found in New York in 2012.

These are only a handful of the top 25 voted the best street art. If you want to see all of the art work, click here.   All photos were taken by Jake Dobkin.

I know that you will all agree with me - this street art is MUCH BETTER than seeing gang sign graffiti!

Friday's Funnies #36

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His wife, daughter, two sons, and nurse are with him.

"So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,

"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to
have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"

photo credit: Steve Matzker

 A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, 

he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints, 

five big baby boys."

The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're

all black."

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

 

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

 

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

 

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

Let there be more joy and laughter

in your living.

EILEEN CADDY

Signs - My motto!

Words to live by!

For more signs, visit Lesley here.

Veteran's Day and Birthday - all rolled up into one!

Today is Veteran's Day.

It is also my husband, Jim's birthday.

He is a veteran.

So - two celebrations in one!

Here he is blowing out his candles. Okay. I lied. Here he is PRETENDING to blow out his candles.

See, here's the story. I put the candles in the cake, my sister lit them for me. She called Jim over, I stepped away to get my camera. He walked over, leaned over, blew the candles out and started to walk away! My family all yelled, "Wait! Wait! We didn't even sing Happy Birthday!"

So my sister re-lit the candles. We sang Happy Birthday. I had my camera all ready. Then my brother yelled, "Hey, the Bears scored again!" (He was standing between the kitchen and the family room with his eye on the Bear's game.)

I turned my head for just a second, and you guessed it, Jim blew the candles out A SECOND TIME, and I wasn't ready!

He didn't look like he wanted to blow them out the third time, but he was patient enough to pretend that he did.

So there you have it.

Jim is not one for making a fuss on birthdays.

I oughta know. He never does on mine! He thinks we should go to the store and view birthday cards - and that would be the same as buying one! Why waste money on a card?

But I love this big guy with all my heart!

Happy Veterans Day to all who have served and are currently serving. We have YOU to thank for our freedom!

Friday's Funnies #34

This is Part Two of the strange things found in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

One of three things is happening here: 1) Daniel Boone is running out of hats; 2) Someone REALLY wants a raccoon coat, or 3) all these raccoons are trying to get inside this car through the sun roof because they are cold.

Maybe the inside of the van above looks like this and THAT is why those 'coons are trying to get inside!

I got nothing.....I stared at this photo and tried to figure out if this car had been a hearse or if this guy just made his Blazer(?) into a stretch limo. Limo is questionable! Maybe taking all the guys hunting!

A truck-owner wannabe!

I actually think this is pretty cool. Except you've got to take into consideration the protruding "cigarette" when parking!

"I'll show YOU for leaving me in the car!"

Seriously? Now I've heard of everything!

Ted went out drinking with his buddies after work. He thought he was smart leaving his car in the lot and hitching a ride with one of them. After one drink too many, his co-worker offered to drive him home. Ted was glad because when they left the tavern, a heavy snow storm was in progress. He figured his wife would be happy that he was so smart to let someone else drive him home in his condition AND with the bad weather. He had no idea what tomorrow would bring.

Laughter is a tranquilizer

with no side effects.

ARNOLD H. GLASOW