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Friday, January 18, 2013

Giggle and Snort

The "Middle Wife" 
by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher 

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.''First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Dominoes man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.



I received this in an email and just had to share it with all of you!

15 comments:

Country Gal said...

From the mouths of babes ! On my this was cute I was giggling the entire time , what a hoot ! Thanks for sharing !

Jeannine Breton said...

This was funny...we sometimes get messages on email that are worth sharing, This was, Thanks.

Brian Miller said...

ha...too funny...a little bit of knowledge can go terribly wrong...lol

Jackie/Jake said...

I recently got awarded the Liebster Award. One of the rules is that you pass it on to eleven people who have blogs -- so I've sent it on to you. The post is here:

http://junkboattravels.blogspot.com/2013/01/liebster-award.html

Al Penwasser said...

Any story that manages to mention Dominoes gets my vote.
Great one.

Annmarie Pipa said...

oh my gosh! so funny! ..

Valerie said...

Oh my, I can't stop laughing. So funny.

Dianne said...

I love "the umbrella cord" !!
priceless

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

Too cute!

Pieces of Sunshine said...

What a wonderful retelling of the birth, a show and tell to remember!

Wendy said...

Pat, that is Precious!!
And since i used to be a teacher's assistant in a Kindergarten class, i can absolutely believe it!
Thanks for sharing.

=-)

Jane said...

LOL!!! From the mouth of babes. This was priceless. You know, sometimes it felt like there must have been a play-center up there... what with all the kicking and rolling that was going :)

SquirrelQueen said...

Too bad she didn't have a camcorder, I would love to have seen that one on Youtube. Too funny! Thanks for sharing Pat.

dkzody said...

Hilarious. I'm passing this story along to a friend who is a middle wife!

Lynda said...

Extremely funny - - - I wonder what the other parents had to say when their kids got home and told them about it?!!!