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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

You're Going to Stick that WHERE?

I had to have a colonoscopy recently.

In case you're from another planet and have NO idea what a colonoscopy is, it's where someone you barely know takes a long tube with a camera on the end, and sticks it up your, er, butt-hole.

Yeah. It's not pretty.

The procedure itself is pretty tame. It's the damn PREP that's the killer.

The first time I had to have a colonoscopy, I had to drink a GALLON of orange-flavored junk to make me poop. Well, it made me poop alright. Plus the other "P" word - puke. Things were coming from both ends and I didn't know whether to lean over the toilet or to sit.

It was a nightmare.

But I lived through that AND the procedure and all was well.

Fast forward to a few months ago. My doctor recommended that I have another colonoscopy.

The problem is, I am full of shit.

Both literally AND figuratively.

So the doc wanted to take a look inside. Which meant the dreaded prep. Since we are in Arizona for the winter, I'm not near my normal GI doctor. I made an appointment with a doctor from a group that Jim had used a few years ago. He only had to pop 3 little pills and drink about 4 ounces of castor oil.

That's it.

Bada bing, bada boom.

Then kaboom.

You may recall the visit with this doctor. He's the one that thought I was a doctor.

Uh, no.

For some reason it was written in my chart that I was an OB-GYN doctor.

Anyway, once that was cleared up, he talked about the procedure. The prep included drinking 2 liters of icky tasting liquid.

"What?" I practically screamed at the doctor. "What happened to the three little pills?"

"We've done away with that."

Damn it!

I was NOT looking forward to drinking that stuff. The day of the prep it was liquid only and clear foods like jello (not red colored) and broth.

I don't think liquor was on the clear liquid diet.

But I wanted it to be.

Then at 5 PM that evening I had to start drinking the prep. Every 15 minutes I had to drink about 8 ounces of it, then another 8 ounces of water.  That lasted till 6 pm.

It took about an hour before all hell broke loose.

I had to repeat the same routine at 10 PM.

It was torture.

It took all my strength to get that last glass down without upchucking in the kitchen sink.

It was hard not to eat anything substantial during the day, especially when someone nearby was grilling hamburgers and the smell was wafting into our trailer. My mouth was watering so bad! I just wanted to bite into a juicy burger!

The procedure was scheduled for the next morning at 9:00 am.

I got up, showered and spent several minutes fixing my hair and then it dawned on me. What the heck was I doing? Why was I spending so much time on my hair when I was only going to be lying on a bed? The doctor wasn't even going to be looking at that end anyway!

On the way to the outpatient center, I informed Jim that if anything were to go wrong and I were to die, (at this point he made a "tsk" sound and rolled his eyes), I wanted him to be sure to have my hair dyed (my roots were showing badly) and I wanted fake nails put on before he laid me out in the casket.

We arrived at the place and soon I was wisked into the patient waiting area. The nurses were real nice and tried to entertain me with stories of Chicago (one was from that area) while they hooked me up to monitors and pricked me with a needle for an IV.

Finally it was time to bring me into the operating room. They wheeled me in and said their goodbyes and wished me luck.

I saw the doctor sitting in the corner, working on a computer.

Two other nurses greeted me right away, asked how I was doing, and then went about their business.

The doctor ignored me.

I thought, "Geez, you'd think he'd at least say 'hi' seeing how he's going to get UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL real soon!"

Tick tock, tick tock.

I laid there for about 10 minutes watching the clock and wondering what's a nice girl like me doing in a place like this?

Finally everybody converged on me at once. The one nurse came by with a big needle of happy juice and injected it into my IV, and the next thing I knew, I was back in recovery.

PLUSES TO HAVING A COLONOSCOPY

  1. It can save lives. Polps can be pre-cancerous and can be removed easily.
  2. It's good to clean out your system every once in a while.
  3. I weighed three pounds less "poopless".
  4. It doesn't hurt a bit.
MINUSES TO HAVING A COLONOSCOPY

  1. The prep.
  2. You go through an awful lot of toilet paper.
  3. Soreness of the behind.
  4. The prep.
  5. If you only have one bathroom, it can cause problems with other family members.
  6. Did I mention the prep?

Don't know if you've ever seen Billy Connolly's routine on when he had a colonoscopy. It's pretty funny.


24 comments:

Bonnie said...

I think you could do just as well as Billy Connolly in a stand-up routing - about a lie-down routine!

Hope the results are good news.

Brian Miller said...

shivering...just shivering...

Rae said...

It's one of those necessary evils in life. As a nurse, I know how important they are. You'd think I'd have one done. Nope, I keep postponing. I guess if you can have it done and still find humor in it maybe I can do it too. I agree with Bonnie - you would be great at stand-up comedy.

Ed said...

Thank God, there were no pictures in THIS post.

Eva Gallant said...

I have had a colonoscopy and was awake for it, and it still didn't hurt. I was fascinated watching it all on the computer monitor. But the prep is the worst!

Mary said...

I had a colonoscopy about 3 months ago (in ARIZONA)...I did not have to do the liquid prep stuff...the doc wanted that but I said I'd heard about pills and he agreed to those. Only problem is there were like 32 pills and I had to take 6 HORSE PILLS every 4 hours...just about the time I'd stop pooping I'd have to pop 6 more pills. These things were bigger than HORSE PILLS. But it was much easier to get down than all that liquid garbage.

A New England Life said...

My gosh, I know it's not a funny procedure but Billy had me in hysterics! I really needed a good laugh too. Thanks Pat! Hope the results were all good!

Gail said...

I loved both stories!

I will have to carefully consider before I agree to do this!

When I had an upper GI, I was laying on the table and wondered what the specks were on the ceiling...when I had to drink the chalky pop rocks, I knew...it was spew!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

i had one back in '87 or '88 and i had to drink a gallon of shit. or liquid shit-maker stuff. i threw up almost as much as i kept down. next time i had one was when i turned 50 and i had read about the pills so i insisted. 32 of them. i laid them out on my dresser and popped 2 every 15 minutes until they were gone. i'd rather swallow a horse pill anytime than swallow liquid anything.

Country Gal said...

I had a colonoscopy and a endoscopy at the same time basically squewered me . They cam to the conclusion that I have IBS type A thats the worst type to have I suffer everyday and cant travel to much and it is this that I had to retire 2 years ago at age 43 My family doctor told the specialist to make sure I am well and truely put out as I can bring myself out of anastecic well they didnt give me enough and I woke up as they were pulling the tube from my throat then the nurse freaked told the Dr and they gave me more so they could proceed. I hope your Colonoscopy came out clean, no pun intended there ! I have always loved Billy he is a hoot . I love your sence of humour and the way you wrote your post ! Have a good day !

labbie1 said...

OHMYGOSH! That video was really a HOOT!!!!

Did you catch the episode of Men of a Certain Age when the 3 guys did the colonoscopy? http://www.tnt.tv/dramavision/;jsessionid=27986C86B414FACA4F106811943406A9?cid=59359 It's called Let the Sunshine In. It was a pretty funny scene when the meds hit the guys in the casino. :)
Hope everything is fine and dandy! Thanks for the verbal picture!

Lynda said...

One of my friends told the doctor when she went in for hers the next morning that she was sorry for the (toilet seat) "ring around her butt" but his meds put it there.

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

Very funny post about a serious topic - been there and done that and at the time used the tablets. Not looking forward to a repeat in a few years. Thankfully nothing was found the first time and hope that's true for you as well.

becky said...

And you crack me up again! Probably NOT so funny to you....
"dye my hair & have my nails done," it's funny the things we think of.

charmine. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
charmine. said...

Hahaha!Too funny.It is needed though.That prep seems like torture.

Hope all turns out well for you.Have a fun day.

Valerie said...

Er, um, I've been asking lately what happens during a colonoscopy - thanks for telling me. There are adverts for the damn thing on television .. I couldn't believe it.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

The prep is pretty bad, but the procedure isn't bad at all, thanks to good drugs. When I was a nurse ( long, long ago)in the the ER, they did out patient procedures in one of our rooms. The drug of choice was Valium. The patient could still feel the pain and remember the ordeal. We could hear them and it did not sound like they were having an easy time of it. I like the new drugs. A lot.

Mama Zen said...

That sounds horrible!

David Allen Waters said...

OMG.....still laughing:)

Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

I have had experienced this, yes, but the liquid prep was the worst thing.

SquirrelQueen said...

Oh my goodness Pat, you made something unpleasant sound hysterical. It's even funnier after reading the post above about the Butt Chicken!!!!

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

You forgot to mention that you walk like Tim Conway (when he played the little ole man on the Carol Burnett show) butt sucked in and tummy pooched out and shuffle, shuffle off to the potty!!

Donna B said...

Oh Pat...I can hardly see the screen to type. My eyes are still watering and I kept bursting loose (pardon the expression) with fits of laughter! You are so funny!

I played (the Connelly video) for my husband and cried with laughter as he choked and coughed with hilarity.

We both have been down this "one way road". He more than I because he has "family history" so he goes in every 5 years.

Hoping for a good result.