Friday, September 11, 2009

What would you come back as?

When I was little, I wanted to be a bird when I grew up. Yep. I set high standards for myself. Well, I met one of them, at least. I have bird brains! Does that count? But think about it. A bird could fly all over the place, crap wherever it wants to, and sing it's little heart out. On the downside, sitting on an egg for a few weeks, eating bugs and worms, and regurgitating them for my young 'uns doesn't sound that great. And where does it go in bad weather? Hunkered down in it's nest, her wittle wings wrapped around her head, her beak kissing her cloaca goodbye?

How about a bubble eye goldfish?

You would be funny looking and make people laugh.It would be kind of neat to swim around in an aquarium all day darting in and out of those little buildings at the bottom of the tank, playing tag with your fellow fish, not a care in the world. But who could eat, drink, and basically live in the same water that you poop in? Yuk.

Now a dog's life isn't so bad.

Unless you're chained up outside. But let's say you'd be an inside dog. Your owners go off to work and leave you home alone. You can jump up on their bed and make yourself at home, or sleep on the couch. If you're good, they may even leave Animal Planet on for you. You can fart anytime you want to. Let's face it. You get blamed for all of them, anyway. The downside? Fetching that damn stick. Who cares about it, anyway? Why do they have to keep throwing it? If they want it so bad why don't they fetch it? Also, sniffing other dogs butts. Maybe I'd like that if I were a dog. Right now - not a plus.

I think I'd like to be a cat.

They love to sleep. So do I. They love to stretch out in sunbeams. So do I. They love to be petted. So do I. (cue porn music if you want.) They purr when petted. So do I. They have whiskers. So do I. (Oh, sorry, TMI). They are aloof. I can learn to be. They don't come when you call them. I don't have to, either. I could crap and pee in a sandbox. Oh yes, and a cat has nine lives. The downfall? Cleaning myself with all that fur, and taking the chance of having one of these:

What about a cockroach?

Now before you start going ewww, listen to me. Here are reasons you might want to come back as one:

1) They are considered one of the fastest running insects.
2) A roach can live a week without a head.
3) Can live a month without food, but only a week without water.
4) Cockroaches can survive a nuclear blast.
5) Can hold their breath for 40 minutes.

The downside of being a cockroach?

1) Everybody hates you.
2) Everybody is trying to kill you.
3) Some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives.
4) You can spread awful diseases.
5) Cockroaches have a lot of gas. According to one web site I visited, insect flatulence may account for one-fifth of all the methane emissions on this planet.Cockroaches are among the biggest contributors to global warming, since they break wind every fifteen minutes. Furthermore, they continue to release methane gas for eighteen hours after they die.

Can you imagine being the scientist who discovered this? Was he/she bent over the lab table, peering at the little guys, when poof! a fart escapes and the scientist's hair stirs a little. He notes the time. I wonder if their farts smell? Does it depend on what the cockroach eats?


Celeste Maia said...

Fascinating!!! All I can say is that I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog You dont have bird brains, that's for sure, and you would not survive without a head like the cockroach, you are a human, with the sublime and the horror of being human. With fantastic brains. I will be coming back. But now I am going to read back your entries and get to know you better.

SquirrelQueen said...

Well I was sort of leaning towards the cat until you brought up (pun intended)the hairball thing. I have also considered life as a squirrel. Just imagine being a cocky little rodent stealing nuts and seeds from bird feeders, luring cats up trees, and making dogs bark their heads off.

Valerie said...

Fascinating read until I got right down to the cockroach bit. I'm reading a book which involves a scarab so I'm right off insects. Isn't it funny how things occur at the same time, it was only today that I read about their ability to live for a week without a head and I see it again on your blog. I think I'll come back as a library book, I'll be in and out all the time and think of all those hands that will hold me......grins

diane said...

Yep I think I'll be a cat. I don't like cats much but I could handle being fed, being loved but yet I could do my own thing.I'd learn to deal with the hair ball thingy.

Wendy said...

You *crack* me up!!!

Nancy said...

LOL! You had me rolling. They video did have my stomach give a little roll, however.

karin said...

Wow, how did I miss you. I'm also a full-timer. I used to think coming back as an Alvin would get me more attention from my companion (see Eliot feeding Alvin photo on my site) but since we won't be going back to Pole Creek Lake as hosts next summer I'd have to choose some other furry animal he likes to pet.

WhisperingWriter said...

Ew roaches can live without their head??!!

They must be aliens or something.

Laura said...

I don't wanna come back.