Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I married a freakin' genius

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.”
Oscar Wilde

My husband is smarter than the average bear. Really. I mean, when we get together with my family to play Trivia Pursuit, they fight over who gets Jim on their team. Do they fight over moi? I say nay, nay. This man has an I.Q. of, I don't know, but it's up there. He knows things that no human being should know. He RETAINS EVERYTHING. Me, on the other hand? Not so much. I may remember that I read an article about such and such, but that's about it. He can remember statistics - dates, times, whatever. Dirty rat bastard. Oh sorry. That just slipped out. You see, I'm a little bit JEALOUS of his mind. My mind seems to be stepping out more frequently and takes its time coming back.

We used to have a game at the library where I worked. It was called, "Can we stump Pat's husband?" We'd all think up a question that we'd figure he'd have NO CLUE what the answer was, and I'll be damned if he didn't know the answer.

For instance, one day my friend Judy said, "I know! I bet he won't know what a cloaca is!"


She explained it to us, but I'll tell you in different terms. Basically birds only have one hole, that urine, feces, and mating happens. Oookay. Why does Judy know this, you might ask? She had to draw a bird in detail for one of her drawing classes.

So I came home from work all excited.

"Okay, hon, the question of the day is, "What is a cloaca?"

He replied, quite smugly I might add, "It's the sex organ of birds."


"I grew up on a FARM! Of course I know what a cloaca is!"

Oh. Never mind.

Another time, a co-worker Alice said, "I've got it! Ask him, 'What is a bonobo?'"

"It's an endangered species of monkeys that live in central Africa."

Fuck! Please excuse my French, ladies and gentlemen, but honest to Pete, how can he be so smart?

Let me give you some more examples. The other day we're out and about. I said, "Oh look, there's a sculpture of a man with a camera."

He said, "It's not a camera. It's a theadolite."

A theado- what?

It's like a transit-thingy. Why he just couldn't say transit is beyond me. He just wanted to show off his knowledge prowess, I guess. Grrrr!

Remember the movie Armageddon with Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Steve Buscemi, among others?

It's about 8 crude oil drillers who are called upon to save the world from a Texas-sized meteor that's heading towards earth. In one scene they are all up in space, on the meteor, to blow it up. They are drilling holes to insert bombs, and they drop some pipes. It makes an echoing sound and at this point my husband leans over and whispers quite loudly, "That really wouldn't happen in space because there's no air and sound can't propagate."

Dude. Way to kill a scene.

The thing is I think Jim was born like Mr. Potato Head. All brains - then his arms and legs were attached.

And it's genetic. When his family gets together, it's like a meeting of the minds. At one of our family get togethers, we were all sitting around a table. Jim said, "You know, I've been thinking about this. Let's say you have a pop can with a vacuum inside, and you puncture it. Which direction would it go?"

Seriously? This man is losing sleep over this?

So the geniuses of the family discussed this, while the drinkers had another drink. (They never came up with the answer, by the way.)

Don't get me wrong. There are advantages to being married to a genius. He has all the answers. People call him up all the time with computer questions. It's like he's the answer desk for Microsoft.

The thing is, even if he DOESN'T know the answer, he can bluff his way out, and I wouldn't even know the difference. And THAT, my friends, pisses me off!


Mrs.C said...

LOL This is too funny. My hubby is somewhat like that, and it makes me nuts.

otin said...

You married my Father????? LOL!

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Oh my god. Your husband is a bigamist - I'm married to him too. And he is just as infuriating when he's with me!

Great post, Pat!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

LOL - I think your husband is related to my family. My husband hates to play Trivial Pursuit with my siblings. Some do better than others (I'm in the "other" category).

Rae said...

He may have the brains in the family but you have the funny bone and you tickle me pink. You sound like the perfect couple and a joy to be around. I wish you lived near me, I would love to hang out at your place.

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Makes me picture Jiminy Cricket singing the encyclopedia song! I imagine all the other Disney characters found him to be annoying, too.

Elise said...

Oh WOW, this is a great post & you have the most gorgeous site here. I had to stop by to leave this comment for you – and to say hello of course ! Your posts are creative and original and you have interesting pictures. It's all perfect ! Thank you for sharing your site and best wishes....

Sunny said...

Sometimes people who are so smart, don't always know the answer to very simple questions because they are looking for something complicated. Ask him the difference between a piano and a henway. LOL
You always make me laugh!
Sunny :)

charmine. said...

Pat,this is so funny.I do admire men like that,I have a lot of these in our family,but ,they can be annoying at times(LOL)

Norm said...

lol! interesting post I enjoy reading too..

Nancy said...

This was so funny. I'm married to one of those guys, too. He remembers everything! He can tell tell me about conversations we had when we were dating - 29 years ago! I buy the same book over and over when they change the jacket, because I can't remember what I read two years ago.

Shewy said...

Just read this and can relate!!! one thing i have to ask though, from one "dumber than my husband" mind to another, is it difficult for him to reach out and comfort you when you are down about how your brain isnt as good as his? Does he have a hard time remembering that you exist and may want to feel secure in your own mind for once?