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Thursday, September 3, 2009

Some of my most embarrassing moments

You may notice that the title of this post begins with the word "some". These are all I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure if I ask my family members, they'd come up with a few more. Alright. With a lot more.

Ass-grabbing incident #1

Yeah. There's more than one. (Turning red, but smiling). Once upon a time, a VERY long time ago, when I was first married, to the first husband, we decided to go shopping at the local mall. Once we arrived at Sears, we separated to do our own shopping. I left him in the men's department, and I went merrily on my way to wherever. I finished up quickly and made my way back to where I had left said husband. I saw him browsing through the racks of shirts. Thought I'd surprise him so I came up from behind, (no pun intended), grabbed a big hunk of his buttocks, and said something like, "Hey cutie!" The guy whipped around and I don't know who was more shocked - him or me - for that there specimen of a man was NOT MY HUSBAND. I let out a yelp, did an about face, and hightailed it out of there. My face was so red and hot as I went running up and down the aisles looking for my REAL husband. I found him and grabbed his hand. "Quick! We gotta get out of here!" I whispered fiercly, dragging him out of the store.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"I'll explain later!" I said, continuing to pull him towards the exit.

He thought it was pretty funny that I grabbed a stranger's ass. I, on the other hand, didn't take the time to enjoy it - I was too embarrassed over the situation.

Ass-grabbing incident #2 (Are we beginning to see a pattern here?)

I didn't go to college right out of high school, but started taking classes one class at a time a few years later. I became a perpetual college student and mingled among the young 'uns whilst I was getting older and older. (smile) Most of my classes were in the evenings, so the students ages ran the gambit, but my day classes consisted of late teens and early twenty year olds. One day I was moving with the young crowd, flowing up the stairs. I was carrying my books and my purse. I was not near the handrail (someone must have been blocking it). I began to stumble while walking up the stairs and the first thing I did to break my fall was put my hand up to grab on to whatever was in front of me. Unfortunately, (for him) it happened to be the young man's ass in tight fitting jeans on the step in front of me. He probably would have enjoyed it much better if some young chicky-babe grabbed him instead of a young at heart, old enough to be his mom, clutz, did. But, oh well, it was good for me.

The most stupidest/embarrassing moment to date

Let me start this story by telling you about my son-in-law, Dave. He's a wonderful, humorous, and kind man. He lives and breathes sports. Particularly soccer. He probably played on a team when he was in middle school or younger. I know he played on teams both in high school and college. He is now on a men's league in town, AND he coaches two local high school teams - the boy's team in the fall and the girl's team in the spring. Like I said - soccer is pretty much his life. He just mentioned that as soon as our grand daughter, Lily, can walk, he's putting a ball at her feet!

We were over at their house the other night. He was watching an international soccer game on TV, or football, as they like to call it in Europe. I can honestly say that I have never watched a professional soccer game on TV for more than a minute or two. I am not familiar with how they do anything with the game. (Notice how I'm making excuses beforehand?) So, we're watching the game, blah, blah, blah. It's the Arsenal's (from London) vs. the Celtic's (from Scotland). That's all I know is - one team is wearing red; the other looks like a bunch of bumblebees in yellow and black striped shirts AND socks. Not exactly a fashion statement. The red team Scores! Then again! And again! Meanwhile the clock continues adding the minutes. It's not like our "football" where the clock starts over again at each quarter. (Who knew?) I would glance at the screen, watch a couple of seconds, then talk with my daughter, or play with the baby. (Read - another excuse.) Anyhoo, on the screen flashes three players names and numbers like this:

Joe Smith - 64 m
Tom Jones - 78 m
Joe Blow - 93 m

And I say.....wait for it....wait for it...

"What is that - their height, like in meters?"

Every one bursts out laughing. My daughter says, "Yeah, Mom, they just happened to select these three players and decided to display their heights!"

Dave patiently explained that those were the three players who had scored so far in the game, and the numbers meant the time of the game that they scored.

Oh.

The look on Dave's face was priceless. Like he was trying to be respectful, yet he couldn't believe I could be SO STUPID. "And, by the way," he continued, "they'd all be REALLY tall, because one meter is about so big," showing me with his hands above the floor.

Well, I never was good in math and I was so relieved America never went through with converting to the metric system.

Here's one from Barbara Bush.

Embarrassing moments

In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.

Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.

"Thank you," he said.

"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.

"Yes."

"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.

In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."






C'mon spill yours. I want to hear them.

13 comments:

otin said...

You are too funny! I love the sports one! I have some embarrassing stuff that I will post some day, I have had some in my mind to do for a while!

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

I loved your sneaky up on the guy in Sears trying to be the sexy newlywed and tweaking a stranger!!
Great post, Pat!

I have a few I could share, but like yours they require context and background - too long for a comment.

Sunny said...

I am guilty of your first incident! I had wished the floor had opened up...not only was it not my husband but a friend's husband that I had only seen a couple of times because he worked odd hours. I never noticed that his behind was so similar to my husband's!
Sunny :)

Kathy's Klothesline said...

Oh, gee, I am the queen of embarassment! I was working in one of the fabric stores that I was a district manager to one evening. I was wearing a dress with a full skirt. Went to the bathroom and apparently tucked the tail of my skirt into my pantyhose in my haste to get back into the store. So I am busy draping fabric on a table right in the front window when a nice older lady whispers to me in her Alabama drawl to get my dress out of my butt! Thank goodness I was never one to forego underwear while wearing pantyhose!

WhisperingWriter said...

LOL!!

The ass grabbing stories made me giggle.

I've never done that yet, thank goodness.

Nancy said...

Ha! "No, you bombed it." LOL

You do have some sneaky hands, there lady!

How about the time we were at a wedding, and I had this pretty yellow chiffon dress on, and just as we were visiting with some people I didn't know, I noticed my dress was tucked into my pantyhose. Yep, as I was sipping a glass of wine, my backside was bared to all.

Rae said...

I am laughing hysterically. The ass grab story is priceless. I love my visits here at your blog. It just keeps getting better and better. You can tell a funny story better than anyone.

Betty Manousou:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

Hi Pat,
Wow I love the sports one!
I have some embarrasing stuff.
I'll post sometime.
I already have been following you.
I'd love if you visited my blog,too.
Have a great weekend,
Betty :)

Laura said...

Girl, I have too many to tell as you would expect : )

What I want to tell you is that I LOVE that phrase in your header "She is a trophy wife - it's just too bad that her husband won 5th place...."

Makes me laugh everytime I read it.

SquirrelQueen said...

Oh Pat, those are so funny you have brought tears to my eyes. I love the first one. I have had the opposite happen. He turned beet red and explained he thought I was his wife as he backed away sheepishly.

I have many embarrassing ones. I learned that wearing a short flowing skirt on a windy day is not good. If you are getting something out of the car trunk and said car trunk is facing traffic. It was the Marilyn Monroe effect.... and more.

MW said...

I loved the story about the guy in Sears. I was sipping some juice as I read it which was a big mistake because it just about came out of my nose by the time I finished reading that story. Thanks for the giggles.

One of my most embarrassing stories was when I went to an off-the-beaten-path theater production. Half-way through the first act, I really had to use the little girls' room. I got up only to realize the only bathroom in the entire joint was right next to the stage. Well, a girl has to go when a girl has to go. The end of that first act was punctuated by a big toilet bowl flush. Yep. Nothing like walking out of the bathroom to find all eyes are on you.

Evil Twin Sister said...

Hey, on AGI#2, at least you didn't grab his *front* side!
That would have been waaaay more embarrassing!
=:-O

Carletta said...

Funny stories that you tell so well!