I married a freakin' genius

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.”
Oscar Wilde


My husband is smarter than the average bear. Really. I mean, when we get together with my family to play Trivia Pursuit, they fight over who gets Jim on their team. Do they fight over moi? I say nay, nay. This man has an I.Q. of, I don't know, but it's up there. He knows things that no human being should know. He RETAINS EVERYTHING. Me, on the other hand? Not so much. I may remember that I read an article about such and such, but that's about it. He can remember statistics - dates, times, whatever. Dirty rat bastard. Oh sorry. That just slipped out. You see, I'm a little bit JEALOUS of his mind. My mind seems to be stepping out more frequently and takes its time coming back.

We used to have a game at the library where I worked. It was called, "Can we stump Pat's husband?" We'd all think up a question that we'd figure he'd have NO CLUE what the answer was, and I'll be damned if he didn't know the answer.

For instance, one day my friend Judy said, "I know! I bet he won't know what a cloaca is!"

"Huh?"

She explained it to us, but I'll tell you in different terms. Basically birds only have one hole, that urine, feces, and mating happens. Oookay. Why does Judy know this, you might ask? She had to draw a bird in detail for one of her drawing classes.




So I came home from work all excited.

"Okay, hon, the question of the day is, "What is a cloaca?"

He replied, quite smugly I might add, "It's the sex organ of birds."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?!" I screeched!

"I grew up on a FARM! Of course I know what a cloaca is!"

Oh. Never mind.

Another time, a co-worker Alice said, "I've got it! Ask him, 'What is a bonobo?'"



"It's an endangered species of monkeys that live in central Africa."

Fuck! Please excuse my French, ladies and gentlemen, but honest to Pete, how can he be so smart?

Let me give you some more examples. The other day we're out and about. I said, "Oh look, there's a sculpture of a man with a camera."

He said, "It's not a camera. It's a theadolite."




A theado- what?

It's like a transit-thingy. Why he just couldn't say transit is beyond me. He just wanted to show off his knowledge prowess, I guess. Grrrr!

Remember the movie Armageddon with Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Steve Buscemi, among others?



It's about 8 crude oil drillers who are called upon to save the world from a Texas-sized meteor that's heading towards earth. In one scene they are all up in space, on the meteor, to blow it up. They are drilling holes to insert bombs, and they drop some pipes. It makes an echoing sound and at this point my husband leans over and whispers quite loudly, "That really wouldn't happen in space because there's no air and sound can't propagate."

Dude. Way to kill a scene.

The thing is I think Jim was born like Mr. Potato Head. All brains - then his arms and legs were attached.



And it's genetic. When his family gets together, it's like a meeting of the minds. At one of our family get togethers, we were all sitting around a table. Jim said, "You know, I've been thinking about this. Let's say you have a pop can with a vacuum inside, and you puncture it. Which direction would it go?"

Seriously? This man is losing sleep over this?

So the geniuses of the family discussed this, while the drinkers had another drink. (They never came up with the answer, by the way.)

Don't get me wrong. There are advantages to being married to a genius. He has all the answers. People call him up all the time with computer questions. It's like he's the answer desk for Microsoft.

The thing is, even if he DOESN'T know the answer, he can bluff his way out, and I wouldn't even know the difference. And THAT, my friends, pisses me off!

Three little words.....

There are three little words that would go far in our marriage, if only my husband would say them. They are not what you think - they aren't "I Love You." Don't get me wrong, I like to hear that every once in awhile. Nope, the three little words that my husband just can't seem to utter are, "YOU ARE RIGHT." He absolutely REFUSES to say these three easy words. Repeat after me. YOU - you, ARE - are, RIGHT - right. See? No problemo!

Here's the situation. We may or may not be having an argument. I tell him what I think; he tells me what he thinks. (snicker) When it proves that I'm right, I think he should say it - YOU ARE RIGHT. How hard can that be? Obviously, too hard. Because 9 times out of 10 he refuses to say it. Even when he sees how mad I get that he won't admit that I'm right! When I ask him why he won't say the words I want to hear he replies, "Because it makes you so mad!" Maybe he won't say the words because he has to say them so OFTEN. I, on the other hand, will easily say them to him. Why, the words just roll off my tongue! Granted, this doesn't have to happen too often, but still, I'll say the words.

Now, our good friends Pat and Bob, from Canada, have the right idea. Bob automatically says the mantra, "You are right, I am wrong, I am sorry." See? And they appear to be happily married.

Maybe Jim doesn't like to admit when he's wrong. You see, he's a real brain. An Einstein in the flesh. I still think that when he was born, he came out like Mr. Potato Head, all brain, then his legs and arms popped out.



He knows things that no average human being knows. His greatest asset is that he retains EVERYTHING. Me? I may remember that I READ something on the topic, but that's about it! So how can he be wrong, you ask? Well, frankly, the guy's got no common sense. He'll deny this, but it's true. I mean the man can explain to you what E = Mc2 is, but when I asked him to get the chicken out of the refrigerator he picked up a bag of parsley and said, "Is this it?"

It is wonderful to be married to a computer whiz who can answer any problem you may have with your computer. (Just ask my family who call him up all the time.) And you'd want Jim on your team if you are playing Trivia Pursuit. (My family doesn't fight over ME, I'll tell ya!)



On day it just seemed like Jim and I couldn't agree on anything. Finally I said to him, "You are so argumentive."

He replied, "Argumen-TA-tive."

So I hit him.