Friday, September 4, 2009

Only 112 shopping days left till Christmas!

My Christmas Elf name at is Snooky Bed-Head. You can call me Snooky for short. Since there are only 112 days left till Christmas, you should start thinking about gifts for your loved ones. But don't worry your pretty little (bed) head about it. Let Snooky help you. Here's some helpful hints you might want to consider.

For the cat hater in your life, here's a pencil sharpener:

You shove the pencil up the cat's, um, butt, and crank away. The cat meows soulfully as the razor inside whittles the pencil to a fine point. The cat comes with his own litter box to catch the shavings. And it doesn't even smell!

For those who like it hot and nasty - how about a Chili Willy?

That's right. It's a chili pepper that looks like a, um, well a willy. A pretty good likeness, except that it's red. These are for real. You can send away for a kit and grow your own. The kit comes with 6 seeds, so there's enough to go around. What a cute idea for the virgin in your life, or maybe you have someone getting married soon?

Do you have an auntie who's an alcoholic? Well have I got the gift for her!

It's a Dear Diary book, and when opened - wha-lah! There's a hidden flask inside!

She can carry her "diary" wherever she goes, and when she says she wants to go off and "journal" for awhile, you know she's really taking a "journey". Wink, wink. She will be so grateful, she'll even leave you something in her will.

To scare the bejesus out of your little niece or nephew, why not get them one of these? Or, better yet, keep one for yourself for when they come to visit.

According to the catalog, "his arms conceal stretchy extensions, and his paws have little pockets to put your fingers in, so you can fire him across the room like a catapult." And the BEST part? "He screams like a girl while he flies." So when those little shits are acting up at your house, and you warn them, "Don't make me get my flying monkeys," you get this bad boy out of the closet and those kids will know you mean business. C'mon, admit it. Who wasn't scared shitless by those freakin' flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz?

Nikko the Flying Monkey Pictures, Images and Photos

For the person who has everything, or who just has a dirty belly button, how about this:

Who couldn't use a belly button brush for that ultimate clean feeling? Whether you have an "innie" or an "outie" this brush works wonders. I, myself, have one. I use it especially on those days I have to weigh in at the doctor's office. It does wonders! I drop a good two pounds at least!

For the gardener in your life:

Who wouldn't want to grow their own banana plant in rhino poo? That's right folks! The rhino poo is collected from zoos and safari parks in the UK, then treated to make it germ and odor free. Could you imagine that job? What do you do for a living? I collect shit.

For those idiots in your life that don't know how to tie a tie:

Ideal for that special man who has an upcoming interview. The tie has pictures on how to TIE the tie, and as a bonus, he can wear the tie to the interview. Or think of how nice it would look in that family photo when you send it out with your Christmas card.

And finally, how about a little somethin' for yourself? When you're having a shitty day, and you just want to relax, put your feet up, have a hot toddy in front of the fire with just the Christmas tree lights on? Sip from this baby:

You can thank me later for all the hints. I like gift certificates.


Bonnie Zieman, M.Ed. said...

What a hoot! Here's my gift: You are certifiably (certificate, get it?) comedic. Best I could do on short notice.

Sunny said...

Well there certainly a couple of things I'm adding to my Christmas Wish List! LOL
Sunny :)

SquirrelQueen said...

OMG Pat, where did you come up with these? You just gave me ideas for several of my "impossible to buy for" folks.

Snooky is a really good elf helper.

Valerie said...

Christmas? Oh don't, I'm thinking of abandoning the idea of gift giving.

Rae said...

I need that screaming monkey for the days that my grandkids are here fighting and I feel like a referee. That would be a great way to break up a tantrum too.

Ruth said...

Where do you find these things, Pat?? They are hilarious. I am realizing how serious the people in my family are . . .

Carletta said...

PAT,PAT,PAT.....I have sat here and laughed myself silly!
I LOVED this visit!!!

I have already bought two gifts. :) That isn't me in reality - it was a chance happening.

Betty Manousos said...

Hi Pat , It was killingly funny!
Where did you find these!.
You can hear the grow!
Hey, I'm looking forward to hearing from you.


Betty Manousos said...

Hi Pat , It was killingly funny!
Where did you find these!.
You can hear the grow!
Hey, I'm looking forward to hearing from you.


Evil Twin Sister said...

I love your posts Pat!
You are the funniest!
And L-O-V-E the sharpener!!!
& I need that mug.

Kristin @ Going Country said...

As a matter of fact, I DO have an aunt who is an alcoholic. She doesn't need anything so clever as a hollow diary, however--she just hides cups of wine behind potted plants and flour canisters.

I wish I was kidding.