Friday's Funnies #27

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Male or Female?  You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:       FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES:  Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.   TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.. EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around. THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"

A wonderful thing about true laughter is that it destroys any kind of system of dividing people.

JOHN CLEESE

Signs - Ouch!

Not only is this sign in poor taste; it is also graphic and to the point. (No pun intended!)

For more signs, visit Lesley here.

Music to my ears!

My town offered many free activities during the summer. On Monday's the public library sponsored free concerts in the town park. Audiences sat in the round on graduated steps or in lawn chairs, and listened to rock and roll, country, jazz, and the oldies. Some people would get up and dance. One particular man, nicknamed "The Dancing Man" by the town, stood next to the stage and danced to EVERY song and acted out the words. He was fascinating to watch. Not a great dancer, but fascinating to watch. Even the bands called out to him, "We see 'Dancing Man' is here tonight!" The first time I saw him, I laughed till tears came down my face. But what the heck, he was having a good time, right? I even took a video of him to share with you, but now it's gone from my phone. Don't know what happened.

Here are some pictures from those concerts.

This is across from where the band plays. People gather under the pavilion, too, since the sound carries across the pond.

One of the many bands that entertained us.

Oldies Band

Country Band

Also there is an Arts Center in town that offered free concerts almost every Saturday in a beautiful park. Nothing like listening to music under the stars! We attended a couple of them, the last one being given by the Symphonic Pops Orchestra of Chicago. Frank Winkler was the conductor.

There were two professional singers that joined the orchestra and sang some of the songs.

The orchestra played mostly show tunes from Broadway plays and movies like Star Wars, When You Wish Upon a Star, Memory (from Cats), A Chorus Line, and Les Miserables. All of these were very enjoyable.

But the BEST part was when they did the patriotic songs. First an announcer came up to the mic and said, "We usually don't interrupt the program, but is there a (mentioned a man's name) here? We heard that it was his 94th birthday today!"

The whole crowd stood up and clapped.

I was in tears.

Then the announcer continued. "He served in the army. This one is for you and all the rest of the veterans out there."

The orchestra broke out into the "Armed Forces Salute" where each stanza recognizes a branch of the service. When they mentioned the Marine Corps, a handful of men in the audience stood up, and the crowd cheered them one. Same for the Air Force. When it came time for the Navy, my husband, Jim, stood up proudly and saluted during the whole stanza. I think I clapped the loudest!

Then the band played America the Beautiful and everyone stood and sang along. A lot of clapping ensued and then everyone took their seats.

And if THAT weren't enough, the band outdid themselves, breaking out into Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA".

(If you don't know that song, here's the video.)



When the singers sang the words, "And I'd gladly STAND UP NEXT TO YOU...." people started standing up all over the crowd.

It was beautiful.

Did I say that tears were streaming down my face?

What a moving performance!

And it didn't cost me a penny!

Friday's Funnies #26

Biblical Far Side

Part 2

I love life in spite of all that mars it. I love friendship, jokes and laughter.

TAHAR BEN JELLOUN

Signs - Culturally Speaking

I was so surprised to see this sign on the side of the road - Mona Lisa smiling back at me with the words, "Smile. Pass it on." I did indeed smile and hope you did, too!

I'm joining in on Signs, Signs sponsored by Lesley.

Click HERE to see more signs.

Movie Review

Who doesn't like a good movie? And if by chance it's on DVD, even better! Our local library offers DVD's, and I like when I take a chance on one and it ends up being a good one.

This is what is playing:

"Rudy Donatello is a struggling musician and drag performer in a gay nightclub in 1979 West Hollywood, where he meets Paul Fleiger, a closeted district attorney. Returning home to his apartment, Rudy finds Marco, a 14-year-old with Down syndrome, left alone after his mother, Marianna, had been arrested. Rudy takes in the abandoned boy, but Family Services intervenes and takes Marco to foster care. Rudy enlists Paul to help him gain custody of Marco and the two visit Marianna in prison to coax her into signing the temporary guardianship papers, which she does. All is well as Rudy and Paul become Marco's guardians, but when Rudy and Paul's relationship is called into question by the court system, the two men find themselves spiraling into a legal battle to become the legal and permanent guardians of the fascinating boy who showed them both the real joy of what it means to be a parent." WIKIPEDIA

This movie is inspired by a true story from the 1970's. It may be more common now to see gay parents adopt a child, but back then it was considered illegal. Unfortunately, the courts were not looking at what was best for the child, and let their closed-mindedness rule the case.


So get your popcorn ready....

and get ready to watch a moving, sometimes funny, often times sad, movie. I give it 3 STARS!!

Dressers Come with Family Memorabilia Part Two

A few years ago while visiting my sister and brother-in-law, she had mentioned that she was ready to pass on a dresser that she got from Jim's parents. She felt that she had had it long enough and wanted to share it with someone else in the family. I told her that I would love to have it, once I had my "someday" house. She agreed to keep it until that day came.

Well, that day came last year and I was able to get that dresser down here from Minnesota thanks to my son. You can see why I was so happy. Look how beautiful it is!

Here is a view of the top of the dresser:

On the left is Jim's parent's wedding photo, to right is my parent's wedding photo, and in the center is a mirror that belonged to my grandmother. I think they look perfect on this dresser.

But what I especially love is this sticker on the mirror: (blown up for you to read easily; actually it is the size of an address label).

My mother-in-law put these stickers on all her mirrors as a reminder to say a prayer every time one would look in the mirror. I can't help but smile and think of her every time I see this sticker, and of course, say the little prayer.

I also found one of her hairpins in the drawer. I wanted to take a photo of it, but it must have gotten shoved under the frame of the drawer. I know it's there, and that's all that matters. It warms my heart.

The problem with the dresser was the smell. It was so musty! It had been stored in Jim's parent's basement for years. It sat empty in my bedroom for a year just looking pretty. It was ridiculous. I had to do something.

These are the steps I took to get rid of the smell.

1. Wiped each drawer down with Clorox wipes. Although it removed some dirt, it did NOT remove the smell.

2. Lugged the drawers to my brother's house, put them out on his lawn in the bright sunshine for about 4 hours. That was supposed to remove the smell. It did not work.

3. Sprinkled a thick layer of baking soda in each drawer and let sit for about a week. It did not work.

4. Went on-line for more suggestions. Martha Stewart recommended to first try putting containers of vinegar in each drawer. Of course she had plastic containers with lids that she could poke holes in so as not to spill the vinegar. I didn't have any of that nonsense. I just used whatever I had available and poured a little bit of vinegar in each. I carefully shut the drawers so I didn't spill the liquid. It seemed to help SOMEWHAT, but the smell was still there.

5. Martha Stewart said that if the above step didn't help, THEN take a vinegar-soaked rag and WIPE OUT the drawers. I did this and IT WORKED!!!! SO - if you have any furniture with smells - I recommend you skip steps 1-4 and jump right on this step!

I aired out the drawers (our bedroom smelled like vinegar only for the day) and the next day I lined the drawers with lavender fragrant shelf paper. Aaaah!

Now the dresser is a beautiful AND useful piece of furniture!

Last year I bought a small round end table at an antique store and use it as a night stand. Unfortunately, it must have come from a home of a heavy smoker because it REEKED of smoke. I thought I'd try the vinegar-soaked rag trick and wiped it down and WHA-LAH!! VERY LITTLE to NO smoke smell! 

This girl is doing a happy dance!

Friday's Funnies #25

Biblical Far Side

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.

ARNOLD H. GLASOW

Signs - A Blast from the Past

I love this 50's-looking sign of this local restaurant in central Illinois. It would be cool to get a shot of it with the lights on, but I don't think they are open for dinner any more.

For more signs, visit Lesley here.

Dressers Come with Family Memorabilia

When we decided we should hit the road and travel full-time in our RV, we had to get rid of a LOT of junk things. I know I've written about this before. Bare with me here. Our bedroom set was 31 years old, made of pine, and had several scratches in it, but in my mind, still usable. True, the bottom of my dresser was falling off, but still, I thought, usable. I thought it could be saved for use in a second bedroom for when we eventually settled down again.

Jim thought the furniture was crap.

It's true that he and our son, Jason, tried to bring my dresser down the stairs.....and it wouldn't fit. I know the movers had a terrible time fitting the mattress up the stairs when we first moved in. They ended up removing our large bedroom windows in the middle of February and carrying the mattresses up a ladder. On a windy cold day. Did I mention that they broke the windows because it was so frigging cold out? Uh, yeah.

Okay, back to my story.

The movers were able to get my dresser up the stairs. But somehow Jim and Jason couldn't get it down the stairs.

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. The staircase was narrow and the floor of the closet from the upstairs bedroom jutted out over the staircase so the ceiling on part of the staircase was low.

They huffed. And they puffed.

They swore.

They sweated.

But there was no way that dresser was going to fit.

They carried it back into the bedroom.

Jim came down and sat next to me at the bottom of the stairs.

"There's only one thing I can do," he said, wiping the sweat from his eyes.

I looked over at him warily.

"I'm going to have to cut it in half."

"WHAT? I want to keep it!"

"It's falling apart! It's a piece of crap! Look. I can't get it down the stairs. This is the only choice I have."

He got up and went into the garage for his saw.

I sat on the stairs feeling miserable.

He marched past me, determined.

In a few seconds I heard the saw tear into the wood. Tears flowed from my eyes. This whole business of down-sizing, going on the road, leaving family was NOT going to be easy! Look what I was giving up!

Jim came down after awhile, carrying the carcass of my dresser. He dragged it out to the curb.

There it lay. In pieces. Just like my heart.

Well, I survived the seven years on the road. Most of the time it was great. We saw wonderful things, made a lot of friends. Sometimes it was lonely. Sometimes I was stir crazy. MANY times I longed for a home that didn't move when someone walked!

Now we are off the road and settled into a condo.

I LOVE IT!

But I DO miss traveling! BUT NOT ALL THE TIME!

I seemed to have digressed here. My main point was about dressers!

Once we got off of the road and got a place to live, we needed furniture. I DID have an old dresser that I took from my parent's house after my mom died. My sisters and I used it growing up and it was still in good shape.

Nobody else wanted it, so it stayed in my basement for years. Once we packed up everything and hit the road, this dresser went into storage. I knew I was keeping it, especially because the bottom drawer had a special message written in it from my older sister, Linda. Unfortunately, we don't know the date the message was written.

It's hard to read because it was written in pencil. The message reads,

"This dresser belongs to Linda but will pretty soon belong to the twins Loram & Hardy or Fatso and Skinny. They are little devils. They were always teasing me and getting me into deep, deep holes or trouble. But I love them. You don't really know how much I do love them. PS. I hope you two brats will like this dresser. Love Linda    XOXO"

Now seriously, how could I ever let something so precious like this out of the family? Snort! And furthermore, I'd like to point out that she is referring to ME as the "Loram" a.k.a Loran and "Fatso" person. I was never fat as a kid. It was just that my twin sister was so dang skinny that she MADE me look fat!

So instead of having a matched set for bedroom furniture, I decided to just go with old, sentimental antique furniture.

TO BE CONTINUED........