Monday, June 10, 2013

WANTED: Adult Brain

So, yeah. I'm ready to sell my brain and buy a new one. I'm just not happy with the one I got.

My memory is failing. I must need a new "hard drive" or something. Let me tell you all the goofy things I have done - all within a week!

Last weekend I attended a family party. Got all gussied up, well not in a dress or anything, but more than the grubby stuff I wear around the house. I started to put my makeup on and realized that I didn't have any foundation because I had been breaking out with the two different kinds I tried recently. I KNOW. I'm too freakin' OLD to have pimples. WTF??

My sister, Pam, was coming over and we were all going to drive together (Jim included) to the party. I knew she would have makeup with her, so I waited till she arrived. Sure enough, she had some that I could borrow. I put some on and called it a day.

1) I forgot to put on blush. Now, I know you might not think this is a big deal, but, it's like putting the finishing touch on your makeup (along with lipstick, which I remembered.) Thankfully I had a few hot flashes during the meal, which pinkened my cheeks, I'm sure.

2) I wore two different earrings to this same party.  These two earrings to be exact.

No one noticed. Or said anything, anyway, THAT day. (One sister admitted to me the next day that she noticed but thought that this was the new trend!) They are completely different sizes. True they have similar colors and markings. But still. In MY defense, I WILL tell you that I planned to wear one of these earrings. I can't remember which one. But these two were stuck together in my jewelry box. So I just untangled them, and proceeded to put one in each ear. I just wasn't thinking.

I know. Therein lies the problem!

3)  My sister, Pam, and I were talking on the phone while watching the Chicago Blackhawks game. (Blackhawks vs. Bruins in the Stanley Cup this week! Yipee!) She mentioned that she had been to a Blackhawks game a few years ago with the company she works for and that they sat in a skybox.

I told her that I used to go to the Blackhawks games a long time ago with my ex, but we sat in the "knees-bleed" section (instead of "nose-bleed"). I knew as soon as I said the words that they were wrong, but I started laughing so hard that I couldn't talk.

Pam said, "Wait, what did you say? Did you say knees-bleed?"

I could barely get out a "u-huh" because I could hardly stop laughing.

She started laughing, and laughing, and laughing.

It was one of those rare moments when you really, REALLY belly laugh and you can't STOP laughing. In between gasps I said, "It feels like I am on a tilt-a-whirl and my head is being pulled back! I can't stop laughing!"

Pam continued to laugh and said, "Please stop! I'm having chest pains!"

I held the phone away from my mouth and let out a big guffaw - "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" I wondered why Jim didn't come out of the room to see what all the commotion was about; but his TV was so dang loud he said he didn't hear a thing!

Pam and I had to hang up; then 10 minutes later she called back and we were both still laughing.

4) I got my haircut the other day by someone new. His name is Michael. What a nice guy! You know when you meet someone and you know right off the bat that you are going to be friends? This is how it was with Michael. We started kidding around right away and talking about different things. I said something like, "I'm a good driver, I'm a very good driver" and then asked, "What movie is that from?"

Michael said, "I don't know."

Me: "You know! With Al Pacino and Tom Cruise!"

"Scent of a Woman?"


Michael: "Well, he drives in there, even though he is blind!"

"No, no, no, no no!"

"I don't know! We're going to have to Google it!"

(All the while he's cutting my hair!)

We start talking about something else when I yell out "RAINMAN!!!"

Michael said, "That's not Al Pacino, that's DUSTIN HOFFMAN!!"

"Oh. Well, I get the two mixed up!!"

5) Same day, with Michael cutting my hair. He asked me if I believe in astrology and I said, "somewhat". I'm the kind of person who believes in it if my horoscope is good that day, you know? Anyway, he told me that he was a "Virgo". I said, "So is my husband!"

"Really?" Michael asked.


"Is he an animal lover? 'Cause I just love animals!"

"Are you kidding me? Jim hates animals! Well, he doesn't hate them. But he doesn't want any! I've been wanting a pet for 29 years we've been married. But he says animals belong outside. I always kid Jim and tell him that if he dies before me, I will pick out his casket, then go straight to the pet store and get a dog, a cat, and a bird!"

Michael laughed.

"I just LOVE plants! I have tons of plants! I have 50 citrus trees in pots in my yard!"

"No, that does NOT sound like my husband!"

"Wow." Michael said. "Is he the outdoors type?"

I pictured my husband on his computer. "Uh, no."

The hour flew by, Michael did wonders on my hair, and a friendship developed. I came home beautiful, okay, better looking than when I left, and was all bubbly about my visit. I told Jim all about Michael.

"So," I said, "Michael told me he was a Virgo, and I said, so is my husband!"

Jim said, "I'm not a VIRGO, I'm a SCORPIO!"

Oh. Yeah. I knew that!

No WONDER he was totally opposite Michael.

My memory drive failed again.

See what I mean?

Where can I get a new brain?


Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

As long as the sense-of-humor portion is still there, you really don't need one ;>) I once wore a pair of shoes to work that matched only in the same way your earrings did! (And I wasn't even 60 not too much hope for me!)

JoJo said...

BAHAHHAHAHA Love these stories!!!!

Brian Miller said...

haha now that is funny...and who knows you may start a new trend with those ear rings too...

Banker Chick said...

I guess there is only one brain available in that ad?

in the coop said...

Fantastic!! These stories are hilarious. "knees-bleed" section? Ha!
I have moments like this all the time. One of my favorite parts of your story is when you, many minutes after the conversation, just blurted out the answer. I do this ALL THE TIME, and it makes me crazy. Of course, I usually have the information correct once it finally comes.
Just keep laughing...

AiringMyDirtyLaundry said...


labbie1 said...

HARHARHARHARHAR!!!! Too Funny! I'm just like that!

At least hot flashes are good for SOMETHING! ;)

Anonymous said...

Well, you may be losing your mind, but you sure know how to tell some gosh-darn funny stories. So, keep at it.

Mama Zen said...

Nothing is better than laughing with your sister!

Snowflake said...

I'm curious...did you and Pam laugh so hard that the tears were running down your legs??? LOL

Mrs A said...

I understand!! My favourite(?) thing at the moment is to wash my watercolour brush in my cup of tea, doesn't taste the same! Your posts are wonderful! Mrs A

Liz said...

I think odd earrings should be the new trend. I think I'm going to start that one.

And I'm always very careful when naming actors. I get them mixed up so easily sometimes.

DesertHen said...

Oh my...this is funny! Don't feel bad though cause I have "moments" all the time and I'm only 44! I blame it on hormones.....bwahahahahahaha! I went to buy jeans for my husband a few months back and actually forgot what size to get! We have been married for almost 24 could I forget something like that! And at work, when the phone rings...I actually have a moment of panic when I can't remember what I'm supposed to say when I pick it up! The other day I just said, "hello" and the other gal in the office burst out laughing! So see, you're not alone! =)

kisatrtle said...

You always make me laugh

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

OMG! Too funny! You always crack me up (even your comments on my FB posts... lol!)

I think we're entering that wonderful age when our brains can't remember if we're supposed to be coming or going.

Eva Gallant said...

It's all too familiar! I forget what I was talking about in the middle of a sentence!

Eva Gallant said...

It's all too familiar! I forget what I was talking about in the middle of a sentence!

Valerie said...

Oh I did enjoy this post, Pat. Hubs and I had one of those belly laughs the other day.... doesn't it do wonders for the mind when that happens.

Coincidentally I am just writing a piece about my skin problems, and recent eruptions with a certain product. I'll try and space it out so it appears way after this post of yours.... grins.

Incidentally, tell your sister that wearing odd earrings IS the trend.

Lynda said...

Hey - - you didn't forget the stories so I'd say you are fine! It's like with our pastor - - we think things happen to him so he will have sermon illustrations. Things happen to you so you have something to write and make us laugh! You are probably not unique in these things. Some sound like me. And at our age with the condition of our knees, it is possible they are bleeding internally after that climb!!!

Craver Vii said...

Laughter is good medicine! I'm popping in from Betty Manousos' reference. We're cheering on the Blackhawks here, too (Bolingbrook, IL).

Anonymous said...

Very fun read - thanks for the laughs!