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Friday, June 21, 2013

Friday's Funnies #16

Yesterday, my son again asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He said that he was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old guys.

 I did this.

When I got home last night, I decided to teach him a lesson about staying out of my business.  I told him that I had joined a parachute club.

He said, "Are you nuts?  You're 70 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed him that I even had a membership card.

He looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”

I told him, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week."

He fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!



Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one
rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
“Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But one day St. Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, “I don't know about you, but I stepped on a DUCK!”


If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear
of laughter, that's my reward.

VICTOR BORGE

11 comments:

Brian Miller said...

five jumps a week should certainly keep you in shape....hahaha

Rae said...

I am still smiling. Those were great.

JoJo said...

First story was awesome!!!!

Mama Zen said...

That second one was hilarious!

Lynn said...

And the son thought his dad was in danger of a heart attack!

Liz said...

Too funny.

SquirrelQueen said...

Ha, that will teach the kid to keep his nose out of dad's life. These are both way too funny Pat, thanks for the laughs.

Eva Gallant said...

Good ones!!!!

Lynda said...

Oh, Pat - - You definitely take us into the weekend with a BIG smile!!! Thanks again.

Gail said...

Yes, you still have it.

in the coop said...

Where was I on Friday to have missed these??? You pick the funniest jokes each and every week. Thanks!