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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

You're doing WHAT in the bathroom?

I know all of my followers and readers come to my blog because of the wealth of knowledge I share with you on a number of eclectic subjects. Like when I wrote about "vodka soaked tampons", or "how to cut a pineapple", or what "burgoo" means; just to name a few.

Today I will not disappoint you. I am so anxious to share this bit of knowledge with you that I can hardly stand it.

Ready?

There's a new book out entitled, "Toilet Yoga". Because sometimes sh*t doesn't happen.

Seriously.


Okay.

So have you picked yourself up off of the floor yet?

Apparently, doing different yoga positions will help get things moving.

Here's a sample from the book.



This move is called "The Slider".

"Push off and let yourself go.(I don't think they literally mean "go" as in, er, poop.)

Proper positioning will encourage free motion through the twists and turns prior to exit." (i.e. sh*tting?)

THE MOVEMENT

"Straighten knees so feet are off the ground, extend arms in front parallel with legs. Hold for count of 10 and release. Repeat."

There is a warning posted on the page: "Slippery when wet. Not advisable after bathing."

Also has three toilets (out of five): Requires some core strength

Okay. So I'm the first to admit that I've never taken a yoga class; I don't know any of the positions. That position shown above doesn't seem too bad, and if sh*t happens, hey, that's great.

The web site only allows viewing of that one page of the book.

So I can only IMAGINE the other yoga positions.

Now this one isn't so bad.



I could sit there with my legs crossed (as if!) and IMAGINE myself pooping!

But this next position could be a LIT-TLE tricky!


You'd have to face the toilet tank. I guess you could always rest your feet on TOP of the toilet tank if you get tired.

Then there's this position.

Oh my gosh, would your head REST on the rim of the toilet seat? Yuck! What if your arms got tired and your head fell in the toilet? Oh, gross!

This next position you'd have to do NEXT to the toilet. If I did this I'd be stuck in this position and I'd have to call Jim into the room to help me. He'd walk in, see my big naked butt in the air and say, "What the HELL are you doing?"



Lastly, if you could do this position on the FLOOR you should be congratulated, let alone on a toilet. And if you can do this position, I am SURE you are not suffering from any constipation problems. Just saying. I mean, is this woman related to Gumby or WHAT?


In conclusion, if you are interested in this book, it is available here.

There are even t-shirts available.



I'm just happy to report that my bathroom is teeny-tiny.


So there will be NO yoga happening in there. Although when I sit on the pot, I DO resemble this photo:


Only I'm not a dog.

And my legs aren't crossed.

And I usually have a magazine on my lap.

Other than that this looks exactly like me.

Just remember - toilet yoga - you heard it here first.

Your welcome.

19 comments:

Brian Miller said...

um...i would probably end up with a mess all over myself...just saying...

Rae said...

LOL LOL LOL You gotta be sh*ttin' me! That is too funny.
I just want to know who the person is that perfected this technique - that is one seriously messed up person.

McGuffy Ann said...

*LOL!* Oh, Pat, I absolutely love you! This is the absolute best post I have read in awhile! You are awesome! Thank you for sharing! I wish we could sit and chat over a cup of coffee or something! I really needed this laugh! *LOL*

Betty Manousos@ Cut and Dry said...

haha, LOL! great post!
i can always count on you for a giggle!

the last picture of the dog cracks me up!

Drizzle said...

I'm so glad you made this post! I know what I'm getting some people for Christmas!

-driz
refreshsomething.blogspot.com

SUGAR MOON said...

This post was hilarious!! Thanks for the laugh. Especially the part with the dog. HAAAHAAA

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

you so make me laugh!!

labbie1 said...

LOL Oh my gosh! That is too funny! Although I am not sure I could hold that position for the count of 10! Yikes! Oh and congrats on the nice SeaLand! :)

Genie said...

All I can say is you and the dog have made my night...after the worst day ever at school. I needed to do some yoga sitting in my rocking chair, because a lot of their you-know-what was coming down the pike. The troops are restless so I will be filled with naughty middle schoolers for these last 2 weeks. After teaching the bad ones who get thrown out of class for almost 8 years...and I am 72...maybe it is time for me to really retire, buy the book, and start doing yoga in my nice big bathroom :-) genie

Lynda said...

Whatever will people think of next?!!!! That is crazy - - - - but funny!!!!!

becky said...

Funny Pat :0
i do do yoga (no pun intended!) but i have never heard of toilet yoga, per say, but certain twists that can help you go.
yup, funny...

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

lol - i started reading this from my phone during my lunch. it quickly became apparent that i better leave it for here because i was not going to be able to keep a straight face (and quiet cubicle).

Fragrant Liar said...

And I thought I was the potty mouth this week!

Well, I find it interesting (and weird) that these yoga "moves" would inspire more crap on the crapper. But what do I know? I will try the second pose on my toilet seat and let you know what happens. If my head ends up in the shitter, I'm coming to get you!

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, and too stinkin' funny!

Valerie said...

Now that I've stopped laughing I can reveal all. I did yoga and I can honestly say that doing it whilst sitting on the pan is impossible. You need a hard floor to steady you. However, I will remember this next time I feel... er.... you know!

Jeannelle said...

Thanks for the chuckles!

DesertHen said...

Oh dear...my sides hurt from laughing! Thanks for the hilarious post!

Gail said...

Ah, off to practice my, um, yoga!

kisatrtle said...

I just dont have words