Why is it that even though I have a closet full of clothes, I have nothing to wear?
True, I have to carry all seasons of clothes and stuff them in about three feet of closet space, so there's no room to spare. Throw out the clothes that don't fit me and I'm left with a handful of outfits.
Who knew that when I'm standing there in front of my closet in just my underwear and bra, contemplating what to wear, and coming up empty, that another alternative would be to look in the refridgerator?
You heard me.
Listen. If Lady Gaga can pull it off, why can't I?
Here she is at the Video Music Awards last week, wearing a Meat Dress.
Yes. That is all fresh meat. Cheap, but fresh, according to Peter Cacioppo, the butcher at Ottomanelli Brothers, who had the honors of cutting the meat for the dress. “There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks. The best you've got is the flank steak on top of her head.”
The meat was 100% natural - no preservatives and was supposed to smell real nice. Yeah. If you like the scent of raw meat.
The dress weighed close to 50 pounds and Lady Gaga said it was the most comfortable dress she wore all evening.
Course this was one of the other dresses she wore.
That seems pretty tame for her. But get a load of her shoes.
Could you imagine trying to walk in these?
At least the meat dress shoes looked wearable. And, of course, they were tied up with butcher string and meat to match the dress.
I wonder if they put some kind of plastic down on the seat in the auditorium where Lady Gaga was sitting. Who'd want to sit there after her? Hopefully not someone with an aide dog. That dog would go crazy!
So, next time I'm looking for something to wear, I'm grabbing a bagel, smearing it with cream cheese and sticking them cheesy side down on my ta-tas. I can take a couple of pieces of bacon and slap them on to look like bra straps, and across my back. Now, what about the bottom half? This is the hard part. I know! I'll use tortillas!
(I'd better use burrito size!) Maybe I can staple along 1/3 of the each edge so they will stick together and layer them like a pleated skirt. Then I can staple them to my underwear. It would be a short skirt, but still cover the essentials.
Wow. Just think. My wardrobe expands every time I go grocery shopping! Just think of the possibilities! I can't wait to see what I can to with a carved out melon!
*FYI - I like Lady Gaga's music....Her fashion sense? Not so much!