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Monday, September 6, 2010

Confessions of an over-the-hill Cosmo reader

The other day while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, the latest edition of Cosmopolitan caught my eye. It wasn't the bright blue cover with the gorgeous Jessica Alba sexily posed on the front, her apple cheeks bronzed, her lips glossed, hair windblown, the hint of her curvaceous ta-ta's peeking out of her dress. No, that wasn't it.

It was the screaming headline, "Untamed Va-jay-jays" and then in normal sized letters, "Guess What Sexy Style is Back" that did it.

Now. If that doesn't peek a person's curiosity, I don't know what does. 

I haven't read a Cosmo in maybe 10-15 years? I think it was time to revisit this magazine AND see what this whole untamed va-jay-jay thing was all about. Was it just about not shaving I wondered?

I was a little embarrassed to buy the magazine, and was afraid I'd get carded for being TOO OLD to purchase it! Is there an age limit? Could I lie and say it was for my daughter? Exactly how young did I look? (I'm kidding myself. I look every bit my age!)

I saw that the cashier was a young man probably around 19 or 20, so I held my tongue even though I was dying to quip, "How can I pass up this magazine when they talk about untamed va-jay-jays?" But he probably would have died a thousand deaths, turned beet red and then think I was sexually harassing him, and I certainly didn't need to call attention to the fact that this almost 55 year old lady was buying Cosmo. So I kept my mouth shut.

When I got home I settled into my bedroom (with the door closed), to read all about the va-jay-jays. I was a little disappointed to see that with such a big headline on the cover, it took up only two pages in the magazine; one being the title page, "Would You Do This to Your Vagina?"

I'll sum it up for you here.

  1. V Bling - or how to dress up your "area". After getting a wax, you could add some sparkle to your package with small adhesive crystals that can last up to five days! (Giving new meaning to "family jewels".) You could choose from different patterns such as a flower or a heart, or even make up your own design! Well, why not take it a step further and write little love notes like "Enter if you dare" or "Put Tab A into Slot B", or, if you're batting for the OTHER team, "No Man's Land". Boy I could have fun with these! Maybe they could hire me as a consultant for one-liners! Wouldn't THAT look good on my resume! Also available are temporary tattoos for your coochie-coo, and in the near future, GLOW IN THE DARK TATTOOS - For those lovers who can't find they're way in the dark.
  2. V Fitness - We all know what kegel exercises are right? The benefits for doing them (when we remember) are: a)improves muscle tone of the pelvic floor, b)  good for  treating vaginal prolapse c) good for preventing uterine prolapse, and d) it may increase sexual gratification. Listen to this. Now there's PantyO Underwear! Ta da! It comes with a one inch "extension" that is sewn in the crotch that you INSERT to remind you to do the exercises. You heard it hear first folks! They usually cost $125 A PAIR, but are now on sale for $85 each. At this bargain, you can grab a couple of them! I personally think that this would be a little irritating to wear all day long, but to each their own! Besides, it didn't come in granny panty size anyway.
  3. V Makeup - Did you know that as you age, your hoo ha loses color? (Who knew? When was the last time you looked at yourself?) Another indignity of getting older! Well worry no more! Now there's "My New Pink Button", a temporary dye that comes in four different shades: Bettie, Marilyn, Audrie, and Ginger. (As a side note, this COULD cause irritation, but all for the sake of beauty, right ladies?) This puts a whole new spin on the word "lipstick"!
  4. V Accessories - Are you tired of the same old dull white panty liner? If so, then "Pantzies" are for you! They come in regular or when you're feeling a little wild, wear the pink leopard print, even though you'd be the only one who knew you were wearing it! This is THROW AWAY stuff people! It's not like wearing a fancy bra to make you feel good! I just don't get it!
  5. V Hairstyle - I guess the majority of the "in" crowd get Brazilian waxes. Then Kate Moss goes and poses nude recently, showing off her, er, natural hair (I hope the drapes matched the carpet.) So now Cosmo is saying it's okay to wax OR grow it. This just proves my theory: If you wait long enough, you'll be in style again.
I hope you learned something today....I know I sure did! Now I'm on to the next article: This Sexy Move Works from 20 Feet Away! (The question is - can Jim really see that far away anyway?)
    Pantzies panty liners




    My new pink button


      26 comments:

      Ami said...

      If people are spending money on that crap, they have too much money.

      :)

      I always get a kick out of reading the magazines at checkout, but I don't buy them.

      The store I shop in has a 'family friendly' checkout. No magazines.

      Since about have the women in the store are showing more T and A than the pics, I don't think it's harmful to families to see the magazine covers, but hey, corporate feel-good gestures are all the rage, right?

      Just like my untamed Va jay jay.

      misslynda said...

      You are too crazy funny! Another person blogged about this, too - - but she was upset that these magazines were eye level for her 10 year old son. Glad to hear about Ami's family friendly checkout at their store. - - - And remember when Playboy magazine was the only one on the shelves talking about "stuff" but even they didn't talk about decorating body parts! Their magazine of 30 years ago would be tame by today's standards.

      Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

      Oh - My - Goodness!!! You cracked me up. I have got to send this to my daughter. She will laugh and laugh.

      Brian Miller said...

      more things than i ever needed to know...oh my...

      Eva Gallant said...

      That was a hilarious post! Loved it.

      WhisperingWriter said...

      Most of the things I read in Cosmo make my eyes widen. I'm all, "The CRAP? People really do this?"

      Carletta said...

      OMG! I feel so old!
      I'm so glad you bought the magazine and shared in the privacy of blogland. :)

      Brian's comment was priceless.

      Fickle Cattle said...

      I think this falls under the category of "oversharing". Hahaha. Hilarious.

      Why would anyone do this?

      http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

      Valerie said...

      Pat, you have to stop making me laugh so much so early in the day.
      OMG I never heard of any of these way out things.... my mind is now running riot. Got to find me a mirror!

      Valerie said...

      Forgot to say I really like your new blog syle, and that header photograph is wonderful.

      Ruth said...

      I didn't even know what va-jay-jays are, so I would have really embarrassed myself striking up a conversation in check-out.

      Who knew all this? Not me!

      I love your fresh new blog look!

      Bonnie said...

      I had this feelilng that when I could say 'now I've heard everything', I would be reading your blog!!!

      I think you should do a post where you invite readers to come up with other creative vajayjay (did I even spell it right?) accessories. My invention would be tiny rollers for short and curlies that are not curly enough. How about teenie tiny elastics to make little pony tails on on each side. That should attract the cowboys ...

      What about little stickers that play a tune (like those Hallmark Cards)....

      I'll stop now ...

      Great post Pat!

      BigSis said...

      Yup, that is EXACTLY why I don't read those magazines anymore. Of course, I get sucked in by the "lose 20 pounds in one week by sitting on your couch" covers, so it isn't much better.

      Bossy Betty said...

      Love your new look! (I AM talking about the new blog style, btw!!)

      Thanks for summing this all up for me. Those Cosmo article are usually too complex.

      Steven Anthony said...

      as a man, my opinioun on va jay jays...always trim, always...no one likes a forest...just saying ;) lol

      love the new look of the blog

      Wendy said...

      Only you Pat! Only you would see this mag, think about it (a lot, apparently), and turn it into a hilarious blog post.

      I *hate* the word "va-jay-jay"! I first heard it on Oprah, and i thought, "Oh PLEASE don't let that catch on!!!", but it did, and in a B-I-G way! Did i mention i *HATE* it?!

      Anyway, everything seems to come and go in popularity, doesn't it. Remember porn back in the 70s where everybody was SO hairy? No wonder everybody called women's groin areas "Bush"!
      Then in the 80s, women started "trimming up" their groin areas.
      Now, most female 20-somethings are *completely* shaved, and men are "trimming up" a bit too! I have 19 and 20 yo daughters, and we talk. Go figure.
      Anyway, once again,
      GREAT post! You always give me a laugh! Thanks!
      =-)

      Gail said...

      I love your mind!!!

      Nancy said...

      LOL! Seriously - V-Fitness??? You never disappoint - I am always assured of being entertained - now I'm off to look for that spot of color...

      Sunny said...

      You are too much! LOL!
      V Hairstyle - I'd avoid dreadlocks and cornrows. Haha!
      ☼ Sunny

      Nezzy said...

      Heeehehehe, this was great and you totally cracked me up! I might even have to do a few kegels to strengthen my bladder!

      I too used to faithfully read Cosmo but it's been years. Maybe I need to head to the magazine rack so I can be vogue too!

      God bless ya and have a super day sweetie!

      Mama Zen said...

      Great. Now, I have to accessorize, too?

      Betty Manousos @ CUT AND DRY said...

      Awww, Pat, you never fail to make me laugh!hehe. :)

      Big hugs,
      B xx

      SquirrelQueen said...

      I am laughing so hard right now it is really hard to type. Thanks for the giggles today Pat.

      alessandra said...

      ROFL, you are so funny and this post is great!

      smArtee said...

      Haaaaa...cant stop laughing....at least i will always be in style cuz I change my style every week depending on my mood and energy level....BwHahahahahah..!

      Fragrant Liar said...

      Okay, I just saw this post, and I am LOVING it. Girl, you are a woman after my own heart. If you lost any followers over this, you are better off without them. This was an excellent post!