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Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Dreaded Christmas Letter

I've haven't got my Christmas cards out yet. I decided it was time to get off my butt and get to it. I happen to have a box filled with boxes of Christmas cards that I bought on sale a few years ago. It is the ONLY thing Christmasy that is in this trailer. Unfortunately, it is stored in a cabinet along the back of the trailer, above the rocking recliner.




This means that I have to do a balancing act on said recliner, to get the box down. Not an easy feat, since the box is buried under various paraphernalia such as six decks of cards, in case we have a large crowd over to play cards, Dominoes, a bag of what's left of tinker toys (in case I feel like being a kid again I guess), a bag full of Mr. Potato Head parts, and a bag full of another game's parts. So, imagine me, if you will, standing on tippy toes, rocking the chair, grabbing on to the wall for balance every now and then, and trying to reach up and grab all this crap and throw it on the couch just to get the damn box of cards. Yeah. So now you know why I put it off. I looked a little like this. Just without the f***ing tutu. And I have more teeth.





You might ask why I just didn't ask my big, strong, 6'2" husband to just reach up and grab the box down? A) Because I'm stubborn; and B) (READ THE REAL REASON) Because I didn't want to hear him say, "You've GOT to get rid of some of this CRAP! We have TOO much WEIGHT in the trailer!"

You know EXACTLY what I'm thinking, ladies! If HE left, there would be about 10 hardcover books, 50 paperbacks, and 5 games worth of weight I could fill right back up with, easily!

Anyway, I digress. I was talking about Christmas cards. Each year I debate whether to send them or not, but then I break down and send them because I really like to receive them myself.

I hand address every one because it seems a lot more personal that way. I don't mind using the return address labels, though. And thank GOD for self-adhesive stamps. Remember back in the days when we had to LICK all those stamps? By the time I was done with my Christmas cards, my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth! I was speechless for awhile. I think those were Jim's best moments, looking back!

I always write a newsletter telling everyone what has happened to Jim and me, and our family during the past year. It's been a lot easier since the kids have grown, and we've been on the road. I can write about the places we've seen, people we've visited, etc.

But back when the kids were growing up, it was hard. Here's why. I had normal, every day kids. Yeah. I'm ashamed. They didn't get straight A's in school, they didn't excel in sports, and they sucked at playing any instruments. I hated when I got those letters from friends bragging about their kids and all their accomplishments. "Why my little Suzie is SO SMART, she has made honor roll all 3 semesters. And she takes tap and ballet lessons!" Blah, blah, blah. Reading it made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I mean, geez, I'm happy for you, really, but can you tone it down a bit? Is it wrong of me to pray to God that that kid is a little shit to her parents? IS IT?

Don't get me wrong. I had (have) great kids. BUT THEY WERE NORMAL, AVERAGE KIDS. My son played soccer when he was little, but didn't continue in school. My daughter started out playing soccer, but quit after the third game after I made her pee in a bush because there were no bathrooms in the park and she had to go potty. She never forgave me for this - she had a stubborn streak and refused to play soccer ever again. She was 5. She was on cross country and track in high school. Was she the fastest? No. But she enjoyed herself.

So, I was at a loss what to write in those damn Christmas letters. Let's see...Hmmm...I could have lied, but that's not me. I just left things out. Like the time my son was a freshman and got suspended from school because he wrote the word "Goofy" on a locker. It was considered vandalism. Yeah. I know. Kind of a rough punishment for that. I mean, he didn't write, "fuck you", or he didn't write, "Why did Mickey Mouse have Minnie committed? Because she was fucking GOOFY." No. He wrote the word "Goofy". That's it. So yeah. I left that little tidbit out of the Christmas letter.

So thankfully now I write about our travels, and one or two lines about my kids. I still get a letter or two from those same people, but now it's about their grandchildren, and how they are such whiz kids, future presidents, blah, blah, blah.

I have to go. I must finish my Christmas cards and write my Christmas letter. Maybe I could make up some good lies about Jim and me......

13 comments:

charmine. said...

Pat,you need a ladder,put one more item in the truck.hehe!I'm yet to send my cards out.....e-cards are the rage now.Good luck with the cards.

Brian Miller said...

yeah, i am bad about christmas cards, much less ever writing a letter...this year, no cards...too much going on...guess that makes me bad...or just goofy. smiles.

Noelle said...

for many years i would "pretend" i was going to send out christmas cards. i would buy them, write in them, even stuff them and addres the envelope...but they'd never make it to the post office and i'd always find them on my counter in february under magazines and junk mail. now i don't even pretend. i just don't send. sigh.

otin said...

Remember the Seinfeld episode where the lady dies from licking stamps!? lol! I don't do much of anything at Christmas. I might do a Christmas blog letter.

KaLynn said...

OH Pat!!! I soo know what you are talking about!! I have laughed til I cried reading this!! I have average kids too. Rabbit got suspended because he had two tone hair. Red and black. Red is his natural color. 3 days. Had to shave his head and still didn't get all the black out. Oooooohh!! I sooo know about those average kids. My daughter got into a fist fight at the bus stop one day. Yeah, let's write about that in our Christmas letters!!

I'm gonna wait for the letter about you and Jim this year!! Should be interesting!!=0)

I love love love your blog!!!

Wendy said...

Pat, I've never written a xmas newsletter before. Sort of 'cause I don't really like them... You know... 'cause all those people brag on... *endlessly* (like you were saying)...
But I was telling my husband the other night that I think I might like to write one now...

But it would totally be tongue-in-cheek... 'cause I'd write how both of our daughters seem to be making it through their teen years without getting knocked up... and how Hubby and I don't have a drinking problem 'cause we don't go to AA meetings... and how the dog doesn't shit in the house anymore... You know. Stuff like that.
But then I told him that I'm not sure who we'd send it to 'cause most people we know would probably take it the wrong way... think I was being serious... fuss at me for being rude and mean...

So once again, I'm not sending cards or *anything*! Screw 'em if they can't take a joke!
=-)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I'm bad with Xmas cards too!
Your post made laugh and i needed that today!!
hugs hugs

wenn said...

we don't hv self-adhesive stamps..still need to lick the stamps..

KaLynn said...

Pat, since you make me kackle so much I have an award, a kacklin award, for you at my place. http://kalynnblog.blogspot.com/
stop by when you get a chance, I know you are busy mailing cards and smelling dogs feet, so when ever you get a chance, visit me!

Merry Christmas my friend!

K=0)

Fran Hill said...

I can't imagine any letter you wrote not being entertaining in some way. We send a letter out too and it is notable, every year, for its lack of adventure holidays, major achievements and visits from important people. Everyone says they love it.

SquirrelQueen said...

I'm still working on my Christmas cards too and I'm only sending out a few. No letters, I never do those. We got one the other day and heard all about the trip to Australia and how the grown up kids have become so successful, blah, blah, blah.

Anyhow, gotta finish the cards and I might even mail them.

Missy said...

A newsletter? Hell, I can't even get it together enough to send a card! I am such a slacker!

CatLadyLarew said...

Sounds like you have great kids! I was never so proud as when Vlad got into trouble at school for replacing the flag with a Jolly Roger. Should have put that in a Christmas letter!