The Woes of a one-footed Woman

Last Saturday I  had surgery on my big toe, or as they call it in the medical world,  the "great toe". I don't consider myself a procrastinator, per se, but when it comes to surgery I guess I am. I have been in pain for about three years now, and the pain had progressed to the point that I could hardly walk any distance without limping. I walked very, very slow. When Jim and I would go places, if I didn't hold his hand to reign him in, he would end up walking 10 feet in front of me. It would either look like we weren't even together, or like we were in the culture where the woman had to walk 10 feet behind, or is it 10 feet in front of her husband?

Anyway, I bit the bullet, or stuck my toe under the knife as it would be, and am glad the surgery is over. Now my foot is wrapped up and I cannot put any pressure on it. The doctor said that I am only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and I could walk on the heel of the operated foot. Did you ever try to just walk on your heel? It's not easy folks! I was using a walker that had belonged to my mother. It was the kind of walker that you had to lift and put down with each step, as it had no wheels. This may not sound like a big deal, but when you are old, overweight, have fibromyalgia, and are just plain out of shape, this is a big to do! Going to the bathroom really became such an issue. I was kind of thinking that those commercials for "Depends" didn't look half bad! Then my friend Barb, came over with lots of goodies for me. She brought me crutches and two other walkers. One walker has two wheels on it and pushes easily, even on the carpet. The other walker has FOUR wheels and is quite dangerous for a clod like me! I can actually "kneel" on the seat and "scoot" around to where I want to go! Whoa! I have to admit that I've put a few nicks in the walls and doors just with one use. So I am sticking to the walker with two wheels and getting around somewhat easily. Although my body is screaming for me to just sit down. Jim says to me "I'm going to have to get you to do push-ups!" Like as if this is going to help me right now! I mean, I am a weakling. I have no body strength. But it doesn't help that I also have muscle problems.

Putting all the lack of mobility issues aside, just the mere fact of being grounded has really opened my eyes. I didn't realize all the little things I took comfort in doing each morning that now I can't do. Simple things. Like making the bed.  Or filling the teakettle and putting it on the stove. Or opening the blinds on the window above the kitchen sink. First I'd turn the wand to open the blinds, then I'd gently pull on the rope to lift the blinds up high to let the morning light in. Next I'd walk over to the large sliding glass doors that face the busy street and open the blinds to a certain slant so that it lets the sun shine in but gives us some privacy from anybody walking by. I love when the rooms heat up from the sun. My house plants sit on the dining room table and seem to stretch their arms in the sun's heat. I always check to see if they need a drink of water. Now that is just another request I have to ask Jim. All these little things I didn't think about what I was mobile. Now I sit here and contemplate what things are trivial and what things I will ask Jim to do for me. He has been great and waits on me. He brings me food and drink and whatever else I ask for. But it is hard to be a patient just as it is hard to be the caregiver. Soon I will be back on my feet again and I am sure that both of us will be so happy when that time comes!

I am sorry that I haven't commented on your blogs, but I have been reading them. Right now I am working from my mini iPad, but it is not easy. I dictate into the microphone and then laugh when I see what comes out on print. I usually then have to go back and correct either the spelling or change the word altogether. I guess I don't speak as clearly as I thought I did!

What I need to get around

It's Monday! What are you reading?

Come join us! This is hosted by Sheila at Book Journey.
For the month of January, my bookclub was assigned "Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Brontë. Believe it or not, I had never read this classic. It took me awhile to plow through the 600+ pages of this book written in the language of Victorian times. My initial rating of three out of four stars was guarded. But as the weeks have passed I realized that it really wasn't a fair rating. I needed to appreciate the age of the author at the time of the writing, the language of the era, and the author's background and what she brought to the story. Since I have read the book,  I have watched three or four movies based on the book. I have grown to love the story and will definitely read it again sometime in the future.

I had to give you a little background before I told you about this week's book. It happens to be the February selection for my bookclub. It is called, "The Flight of Gemma Hardy" by Margot Livesey. This book was specifically chosen to be read following Jane Eyre because it is an updated version of the book. The story takes place in 1950 Scotland, Orkney Island and also Iceland. The story goes along the same line as Jane Eyre in the beginning because Gemma is orphaned when her parents died. Her uncle takes her in to live with his family. But after he dies and her aunt is left to raise her, there is no love lost between Gemma, her aunt, or her cousins.Gemma is sent away to a boarding school. She does grow up at the school and eventually leaves to become a governess of a child on Orkney Island. The plot follows along somewhat like Jane Eyre, but not exactly. Both books have strong heroines, (Yes!) who pursue their dreams; not only their hearts. I love reading about new places and learning about new things. This was a faster read than Jane Eyre not only because it was about 200 pages shorter, but also because it was written in more modern English. 

The author, Margot Livesey, related to Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre, and her protagonist Gemma Harding, as they all had a somewhat hard home life,  and went away to a boarding school. 

I would especially recommend this book if you are a fan of Jane Eyre, but this book can well stand on it's own.

Friday's Funnies #5

Simple Truths & Rules

SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?“

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,“ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?“ he asked.

'“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”

“Is that so!” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'“

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

 

Have a great weekend everyone!

It's Monday! What are you reading?

This is a new meme I am joining in on today. It is hosted by Sheila at Book Journey.

I just finished a wonderful book called, "The Art of Hearing Heartbeats"  by Jan-Philipp Sendker

This is the description from Amazon:

A poignant and inspirational love story set in Burma, The Art of Hearing Heartbeats spans the decades between the 1950s and the present.  When a successful New York lawyer suddenly disappears without a trace, neither his wife nor his daughter Julia has any idea where he might be…until they find a love letter he wrote many years ago, to a Burmese woman they have never heard of. Intent on solving the mystery and coming to terms with her father’s past, Julia decides to travel to the village where the woman lived. There she uncovers a tale of unimaginable hardship, resilience, and passion that will reaffirm the reader’s belief in the power of love to move mountains.

My thoughts:

A friend of mine told me that she had to read this book for her book club.  I'm always curious as to what other clubs are reading. She said that she was having a hard time getting a copy of this book (from a library). This indicated to me that the book must be really popular. I had no idea what the book was about, but  ordered it from my library just out of curiosity. I began reading it Saturday night, and could not put the book down. This book is so moving, inspirational, and will stay with me for a long, long time. I highly recommend it.

Here is a short video from the author about his writing and the book itself.

Friday's Funnies #4

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. 

The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” 

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!":)

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley,  WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a  ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The
trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in a doctor's book.

Irish Proverb

Hit or Miss Valentine's Gifts

So, yeah.

It's Valentine's Day. Yippee.

And even though everyone knows that this day falls on February 14th EVERY YEAR, some of you men will be scrambling to buy a last minute gift, possibly stopping at the corner drugstore, or WAL-MART to pick up a box of candy,

or maybe a silly stuffed something-or-other

Maybe you'll buy your significant other some flowers

If you are not a couple who like to go out and do it up big, maybe you would prefer to stay home, order a pizza, (preferably heart-shaped)

add a little vino

Throw in a chick flick like "Love Actually"

You could even go so far as to leave a message written in candy hearts for your loved one. Those are always fun.

Now that I've given you some regular, albeit, run-of-the-mill ideas for Valentine's Day, here are some bizarre  and/or cool ideas. You decide.

A Bouquet full of Unicorns

Not sure if this would win you points or not. Available here for $49.99

World's Largest Gummy Bear

This actually is a pretty awesome gift, especially if your significant other is a gummy bear lover. This large bear is equivalent to 1400 small ones! Only $37.99 and available at Amazon.


Heart Gelatin Mold*

The TRUE meaning of giving someone your heart. And then watch them eat it.

Available here for $6.95

*Ideal for vampires, medical students and cannibals.

Blow up Heart

I guess I'd rather receive THIS than a whole blow-up doll! But I'm telling you, if my boyfriend/husband gave me this for Valentine's Day I'd think "cheap", since it's only $4.95 and available here. Of course, it IS plastic and you COULD use the deflated heart to smother the cheapskate while you are in bed. Wait....did I type that OUT LOUD? Snort!

Underpants Sucker

Here's another way to say, "Eat my shorts"! Don't know if I could bring myself to lick these, especially if there is a caramel stripe down the center. (Oh no, I did not go there!)

Why this was listed as a Valentine's gift is beyond me - I think it is supposed to show people that a person is against the holiday and chocolate candy. Whatever. My freaky flag flies whether I'm eating underpants on a stick or not.

suckers  $3.45  available here

Bottle Stopper

Now this? THIS I find funny. But why it was listed as a Valentine's gift leaves me scratching my head a little. Available at amazon.

Tunes for Two

I think this is probably THE best idea on this post.

How cute is this? So two people can listen to the same song at the same time. Aww! Only $11.95 and available here.

Of course, we have to throw in a couple of bedroom items. Like this one.

Ask Me First

Well, unless this puppy glows in the dark or is written in braille, what good is it? Just saying......
Available from Amazon for $3.52

And finally, for the man in your life,

Elephant Willy Warmer

Uh, yeah. One size fits most. In reading the reviews, seems to run a little small, unless the reviewers were braggarts. These are handmade by the seller's grandmother!

"Our Wild Willy Warmer will keep your todger toasty and your sack snug as you prance around your home (or office), wiggling your knitted trunk at everyone you meet. My Gran has been knitting these for weeks. You ask for something to keep your egg and spoon warm and this is what you get."  Amazon $3.17

So - there you have it folks! Hints to help you have a better Valentine's Day with your sweetheart!

You're Welcome!

Signs - The Three S's

I think we could ALL use a little bit of this around here at this time of year!

Join Lesley to add your own fun sign or to see more signs.

I've got THE Perfect Valentine's Gift

.....for your significant other if they were a fan of "Fifty Shades of Gray" AND likes to cook:

This actually is a great cookbook AND it has GREAT pictures. Like this.

Okay, so maybe a trussed up chicken isn't a turn on to YOU, but let me tell you, when "Miss Hen" talks to "Mr. Blade", oooh, I myself, was swooning!

Especially when "Mr. Blade" looked like this:

See how firmly  he's grasping those, er, chicken breasts?

And then there's these photos.......

AND

Holy crap on a cracker! Tie my up! Oops! I mean sign me up! For cooking classes, that is! ;)

This cookbook boasts recipes such as:

• Extra Virgin Breasts
• Please Don't Stop Chicken
• Learning to Truss You
• Jerk Around Chicken
• Cock Au Vin
• Hot Rubbed Hen

Just to name a few. It is a cookbook you can BOTH enjoy! Fun to read and fun to cook together. Click here to view on Amazon.com

I did not get paid to review this. But I could! :)

In chickens, of course!

Friday's Funnies #3

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little bastard.   Bites!

___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES:   NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.

________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie .

___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER.   Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)

___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker   --   Billy Connolly .

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Children Are Quick

TEACHER:   Why are you late?

STUDENT:   Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:   No, that's wrong

GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER:   Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking about?

DONALD:   Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER:   Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:   Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER:   Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE:   I is.

TEACHER:   No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:   All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but also admitted it.   Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:   Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:   No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?

CLYDE :   No, sir.   It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER:   Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:   A teacher .

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. 

Woody Allen

Signs - Coffee's On!

Sapp Bros. restaurants and fuel are located across the United States. We pass this one all the time on the way to my daughter's home. We have never stopped there to eat.

To see a photo taken of this sign at night, please click here. The photo is copyrighted so I could not post it. It is well worth looking at - I love the neon lighting!

Some places have actual water towers that are fashioned into coffee pots. Aren't these cute?

ALYSSA SCHUKAR/THE WORLD-HERALD

For more fun signs, visit Lesley here.

Friday's Funnies #2

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he

has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says,"I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up

A day without laughter is a day wasted. 

Charlie Chaplin