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Friday, February 8, 2013

Friday's Funnies #3



BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard.   Bites!
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FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES:   NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie .
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And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER.   Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)
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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker   --   Billy Connolly .
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


Children Are Quick
TEACHER:   Why are you late?
STUDENT:   Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER:   Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:   No, that's wrong
GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER:   Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:   Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER:   Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:   Me!
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TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:   Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:   I is.
TEACHER:   No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:   All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.   Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:   Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
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TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:   No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :   No, sir.   It's the same dog.
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TEACHER:   Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher .




Woody Allen

13 comments:

  1. Good thing I wasn't drinking milk when I read these!

    At my house, I'm afraid, we do have to say prayers before meals!

    Thanks for the comment on my fit-by-fifty blog. Things will be okay. A particular verse of scripture hit me just the right way yesterday, and wiped out my fear, allowing me to deal with reality as it is without the anxiety.

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  2. hahaha...nice...my wife just sent me an add from a british paper seeking common sense...smiles...

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  3. I needed the smile.

    Have a fantastic weekend.

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  4. These are a hoot. You find the neatest stuff.
    I'm having trouble finding pictures and things you are allowed to post.
    When I did the sleep apnea blog post I wanted a photo of a sleep apnea machine cartoon. All were copyrighted.
    Oh well. You are good. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it this morning.
    Blessings, Barb

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  5. I love the sneaky neighbor dog and the wedding dress worn by mistake :)

    thanks for the good thoughts for all the snow bound east of me
    there are still 100s of cars stranded on the Long Island Expressway

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  6. Cute, Pat.
    I'll have to share some of these with my husband. Thanks!
    Hope you're doing well.
    =-)

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  7. You have some beauties here Pat, I'm still smiling.

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  8. :))))) Thanks...laughs are great on Sunday too for us latecomers.

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  9. These are really funny! I don't know where you find the stuff but hope there are more like these soon. They're good.

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  10. too funny!

    these are all exceptional!
    british humour is indeed different.
    thanks for sharing:)

    have a great week ahead~

    big hugs

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