Friday's Funnies #3

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 years old, Hateful little bastard.   Bites!

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FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

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FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

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COWS, CALVES:   NEVER BRED.   Also 1 gay bull for sale.

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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

Worn once by mistake.

Call Stephanie .

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And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER.   Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)

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Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker   --   Billy Connolly .

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Children Are Quick

TEACHER:   Why are you late?

STUDENT:   Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:   You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER:   Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:   No, that's wrong

GLENN:   Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER:   Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:   H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:   What are you talking about?

DONALD:   Yesterday you said it's H to O.

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TEACHER:   Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:   Me!

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TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER:   Millie , give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE:   I is.

TEACHER:   No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:   All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but also admitted it.   Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:   Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

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TEACHER:   Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:   No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?

CLYDE :   No, sir.   It's the same dog.

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TEACHER:   Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:   A teacher .

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. 

Woody Allen