Friday, August 30, 2013

Friday's Funnies #24

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.“ Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,“ says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,"Pour me a stiff one- just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!"

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren't you?”

Patton said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

If love is the treasure,
laughter is the key.



Mrs A said...

This is so very funny! We have big decisions here, selling our loved farm and moving, not the happiest time in our lives. We know it is the right thing to do, we can't do all we need to do so...I was having a quiet little weep when I opened up your blog, read the stories aloud to my husband and then had laughing tears!! Your Friday funnies were and are the best medicine today at the end of a long day! So thankyou for taking the time and effort to entertain your readers, laughter definitely the best medicine....Mrs A

Brian Miller said...

come out from under the bed you chicken...ha...gotta stay safe when everything goes south you know...smiles. happy friday pat

Gail said...

Thanks for the laugh!!!

Carletta said...

Those are some good ones!

I meant to tell you yesterday that when I see your header I think of those old movies about 'Children of the Corn.' :)

JoJo said...

HAHAHAA that last one got me good!!!

Snowflake said...

After our recent trip to Ireland, what could be better than some Irish chuckles!!! Thanks for sharing!!!

Adam said...

good ones

Liz A. said...

Hmmm. I sense a theme. Can't quite put my finger on it...

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Pat! I appreciate your Funnies and you!

Betty Manousos said...

haha good ones.
thanks for the laugh, pat!
hope you have a great week ahead~