Friday's Funnies #24

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians.“ Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,“ says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,"Pour me a stiff one- just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!"

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren't you?”

Patton said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

If love is the treasure,

laughter is the key.

YAKOV SMIRNOFF

Lunch Memories with Mom and Dad

One of my favorite lunches that my mom would serve when I came to visit was provolone cheese, Italian bread, and a tomato salad. Every time I make this lunch now, I can't help but think of my parents. Over the weekend my brother unexpectedly stopped by and dropped off a bag of ripe tomatoes fresh off the vine from his garden.

What better time to make tomato salad? Luckily Jim enjoys it, too. He bought the cheese and bread at the grocery store.

First I got out my largest cutting board. Then I got out my three (YES 3!) knives that I like to use. The first one is my RED knife that is used only to slice tomatoes and cheese!

We like the sharp Provolone cheese. It has a nice bite to it. Of course, if you are not a fan of Provolone cheese, ANY cheese will do! I sliced up the cheese and put it on a small plate, which I set on the table.

Next I washed these beautiful tomatoes,

isn't that red color just gorgeous? I diced these tomatoes up and placed them in a bowl.

I like to give them a squeeze to get out all the juices......makes it yummy to dip the bread into the flavorful juice!

I'm not a big raw onion fan, so I tend to go easy on the onions here. You can add all you want. I only used about a 1/4 of an onion - it all depends on the size of the onion. I also tend to chop the onion in big pieces. Here's the thing. I like the flavor of the onion, but I don't necessarily want to chomp down on one! (I eat around the onions!) So my rule of thumb is lessor and bigger, capice? (Using my favorite knife - which MUST be sharp!)

Here are the other ingredients that you will need. Sorry, the photo isn't that great and I'm too lazy to recreate it!

Basically, fresh ground pepper, salt (I use Kosher salt), Italian seasoning, (you could just use oregano) and Extra Virgin olive oil.

With any seasoning, it's always good to crush it in your hand to release the oils before adding it to your cooking. I just know you're going to want to know exactly how much I use here. Well, I don't know. I took a picture of how much I dumped into my hand.  It really doesn't matter! I'd say about 1-2 teaspoons!

I added a few good pinches of salt (to taste) and a couple twists of pepper. Now comes the oil. If you have a lot of juice from the tomatoes, you don't need as much oil. I never measure so I'm guessing here. Maybe 1/4 cup? Add more if you need more juice. Mix it all together. If it sits for a little bit, the flavors marry and boy is it good! It should look like this!

By the way, that dish is from my Mom. Made out of Melmac. Anybody remember that material?

Here is our table all set for lunch. Yummy! (Note my third knife - a bread knife!)

Speaking of knives, did I ever share with you before this trick of keeping the knife's blade sharp? Jim saw this somewhere and we have adopted this idea. Using the plastic slide-on for report covers (available at Walmart, Staples, and probably anywhere school supplies are sold), cut down to the size of the knife blade.

Then easily glide the plastic onto the blade. Wha-lah! You have a cover for the blade!

You are welcome!

Signs - Stupid Ad

Seriously? If you are dying, I think having your teeth in a glass is the least of your problems! Do you agree?

For more crazy signs, visit Lesley here

A Sunday Drive

Our lives have changed an awful lot since we got off of the road from full-timing in our RV. We were so used to traveling and seeing different things. Now that we are settled it is so easy to fall into a rut and not do anything. I decided to plan an afternoon trip courtesy of Roadsideamerica.com.  I pulled up the map for Illinois, clicked on a town that wasn't too far away from where we lived, and looked at the oddities/attractions that were listed. I found a few near Niles, Illinois, wrote down the addresses, grabbed my camera and told Jim, "let's go!"

First stop: The Leaning Tower of Pisa......a replica of course! Located in Niles, IL, which is the sister city of Pisa, Italy.

This half-sized replica of the original tower of Pisa was completed in 1934 by Robert Ilg as part of a recreation park for his employees of the Ilg Hot Air Electric Ventilating Company. The tower actually stores water for outdoor pools. In 1960, descendants of Mr. Ilg donated part of the park for the Leaning Tower YMCA, which is the white building in the background. (Wikipedia)

Back of the building

A close up of the door

Looking up

Compare

From there we went to visit Abe. Kind of hokey, but kind of cute park bench situated on a corner park.

He was just begging for someone to join him, so I did.

You may have noticed this beautiful waterfall in the background of the photo above. I went to take a closer look. Yep, it was beautiful!

And finally on my list was to grab lunch at the "Superdawg", a famous hot dog place in Chicago. This place is pretty cool to see at night with all the lights. The hot dogs' eyes light up red. I think that would make them look scary, myself!

A typical drive-in. You park your car, press a button on the menu hanging on the side and a waitress will bring you your order, hanging a tray on your window.

My hot dog came in this special little box. NOTE: No ketchup on a Chicago dog!

Yum! The hot dog was delish!

Friday's Funnies #23

I remember watching The Hollywood Squares game show growing up. It ran from 1966-1981 on American TV. You can read more about it here.

Here are just some of the great questions and answers from the show, when responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they were in the later years. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years..
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Charlie Weaver

Paul Lynde

Don Knotts

Rose Marie

Vincent Price

George Gobel

Marty Allen

Host - Peter Marshall

Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally

without having to go outdoors.

NORMAN COUSINS

I've Become My Mother

I grew up in a house that had a pantry in the kitchen. It was the size of a small closet; opening the door revealed a few shelves and some storage room on the floor.

It was one of my mother's pet peeves if we left the pantry door open. She was constantly yelling, "SHUT THE PANTRY DOOR!"

Us kids had no idea what was the big deal.

IF you sat in one of the two recliners in our living room situated near our front window, AND glanced into the kitchen which was located across the hall from the living room, you COULD see the pantry door open. FURTHERMORE, my mother was of the belief that people walking by, or coming from church (GOD FORBID) would see our pantry door open! What shame!

In truth, the possibility of this even happening was slim. The front window had a large awning that came down quite low.  The only time it was even remotely possible to see in our house was if it were evening, the drapes were open, all lights were on, and the pantry was open. Even then I think you would have had to have "Go-Go-Gadget" Eyes!

Now I have a pantry of my own. It's a nice walk in one with a "ta-da" light that turns on as soon as I walk in. But guess what folks?

It bothers me when the damn pantry door is open!

We live on a fairly busy street. I'm not saying the cars would be able to see inside my house.

But there is a nice bike/walking path about 20 feet from my sliding doors. I keep my blinds open during the day. If my kitchen light is on, and the pantry door is open?

Yep! I'm bothered by it!

Yet I know I'm crazy!

Here's a photo of the pantry door open taken right in my kitchen. You can really see things.

Okay now this is a photo of the pantry door open taken from my dining room. Much better and a little less distinguishable, yes?

So I'm guessing by the time I add opened blinds, glass doors, and 30 feet, there won't be much to see.

And if it weren't raining out there right now, I'd be tempted to go outside and take a picture of my kitchen from the path.

But I can't help it. Every time I shut that pantry door, I will think of my Mom.

God help me I've become my mother. And it really isn't so bad. You were right, Mom!

Signs - Tornados for sale!

I saw this sign at a gas station when we stopped to fill our tank. I'm assuming "tornados" is a food item, but by those threatening skies, I just wonder!

For more photos that may you scratch your head and go, "huh?", visit Lesley here.

Going Bananas

My husband, Jim, loves to eat bananas. But they seem to turn brown so quickly. He had heard somewhere that bananas will last longer if you separate them. So this is what my kitchen table frequently looks like.

I decided to play a little trick on him. I saw this on someone else's blog. Use a toothpick and write messages on the bananas. You can not see the words at first, but soon the letters will turn brown. I would recommend using a new toothpick for each banana so the tip remains sharp. I didn't so my printing is a little messy.

I kept my messages clean because I knew I would be sharing them with you! ;)

This photo was taken after only a few hours of my writing on the bananas. I snickered and turned the bananas over so the messages didn't show. I wanted to see if Jim was alert enough to catch it when he peeled the banana.

I thought he already had had his banana intake for the day when I had written on them, so I was surprised when I heard him let out a laugh in the kitchen and say, "Hey, look at this!" He came into the living room where I sat by my computer and showed me the banana that read, "You're my top banana". He took one look at my face and and realization dawned on him. He said, "Did you do this?" I laughed so hard! He actually thought it came from the grocery store that way!

Here are the bananas the second day. The words get more pronounced as the banana ripens.

This little gesture brought a smile to Jim's face every time he ate a banana. I'd hear him read the comment out loud before peeling the banana.

I may just have to do this again.