The Doctor Will See You Now

During my two week visit back home, I was pricked, prodded, probed, felt up, x-rayed and scanned. No, I was not abducted by aliens. I had my annual check up with my gynecologist and my internist. I can think of a better way to spend an afternoon.

My internist is pretty thorough and wants to cover ALL the bases, leave not stone unturned, no part of my body unexposed, as it may be. I've been going to her for years, and she has agreed to keep me on as a patient while I travel around this great country of ours. I visit her twice a year when I'm in town - once during the summer and once during the Christmas holidays.

My internist ordered a variety of tests and to save time and gas, I had the lab work, bone density and mammogram all scheduled for the same morning.

I had the mammogram first. This experience wasn't TOO bad. Read These Hooters are Supersized about my previous experiences.

The new gowns they make you wear are a laugh. Picture the cape a beautician wraps around your neck before a haircut. Got it? Okay, now picture that same cape, only 15 inches long. Yeah. With an opening in the front so they have easy access to the girls. Then they place a tape that has a little metal dot the size of a bebe across your nipples so it shows up on the film like, "Hey! Here's a nipple!" Although how anything is distinguishable in a smushed phase is beyond me.

I still believe every woman is entitled to wear a sticker after a mammogram that reads, Be kind to me - I just had my tits squished! (Or substitute the word "boobs" if you totally abhor the word "tits".)

After the mammo it was time for the bone density test. I thought she'd let me change first, but no. I had to tip-toe across the hall with my be-be taped tits hanging low out of the cape like a milk laden udder. Luckily no one was sitting in the hallway.

I had to fill out a questionnaire - one of the main questions being if I was right or left handed. Then they scan the opposite side of your body. There is some correlation there - I'm just not sure what. It seems to me that being right-handed, my whole RIGHT SIDE would be used more. Ergo....SCAN the right side because those bones would show the most use. But alas, I am NOT a doctor, and so, my left side was scanned.

There was a triangular pillow at the foot of the long table on which I had to lie down upon. Then my left foot was velcroed (spell check didn't recognized velcroed. What's the past tense of velcro? Is it even a word? You know what I mean.) How about this? The nurse used velcro to hold my foot at a 45 degree angle to the table.

There I was lying pigeon-toed on a table with my be-be tipped tits pooling into my pits, looking ready for a haircut, when the technician asked, "Comfortable?"

What I WANTED to say was, "Maybe if I was in to a little S&M," but what I DID say was, "Uh, sure."

"Okay," the tech continued, "Lie still. This will only take a few minutes."

The machine has an arm that hung over the table above me. It slowly moved over my body, measuring the density of the bones in my ankle, hip and spine.



Thankfully the machine stopped before it reached my brain because I'm afraid of what it would have found there. I could just see the lights flashing and various alarms going off - WARNING! WARNING! TOO DENSE TO READ!