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Friday, June 28, 2013

Friday's Funnies #17

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.  She writes:                    

Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to 
admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and 
golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, 
Pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff 
and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe 
and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?"
"Up here - we go by results, "says Saint Peter. "When you preached - people slept.
When he flew, people prayed. "


LAUGHTER IS AN INSTANT VACATION.

MILTON BERLE

*** Just a reminder that Google Reader will no longer be available starting July 1st. Things will change only if you use this Reader. I have signed up with Bloglovin'. You just have to click the button over on the right to continue to follow me. If you haven't chosen a new Reader yet, Bloglovin' is pretty easy. It will redirect all the current  blogs you follow on Google and bring them to Bloglovin'. Another good Reader is The Old Reader. I hope I don't lose any of the blogs that I follow in the transition, nor any of my followers.  Just hold on tight and hopefully everything will go smoothly during this transaction!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Signs - Warning!

I saw this sign at one of the national parks in Utah; sorry I can't remember which one; we visited a lot of them within a month. This sign made me laugh. First off, COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE!! Secondly, as if anyone would be out in an electrical storm viewing the sights! Duh!

Sign reads, "Warning Do Not Stand at View Points During Electrical Storms"


For more fun signs, visit Lesley here.



Monday, June 24, 2013

Go Blackhawks!


Okay. I admit it. I am a fair weather fan (fans who only follow their team when they are winning). But I believe that is going to change.

Who knew hockey could be so exciting?

You all knew.

Right.

Well, our Chicago team, The Blackhawks, are vying for the Stanley Cup Championship, against the Boston Bruins. Winner is the best of 7 games. Right now the score is 3-2 Blackhawks. If they win the game tonight in Boston, they win the championship. Otherwise, the seventh game will be played in Chicago on Wednesday.

I hope it ends tonight. Not only because I am a Blackhawks fan (fair weather or not!), but also because I don't think my heart can take another game. It is very nerve wracking! And I'm afraid of losing a sibling. Both my brother AND my sister had said they experienced chest pains watching these games.

Now THAT'S excitement!

My twin sister, Pam, and I have watched a couple of the games together. She knows more about the players; I know a little about hockey. Well, let's just say that all the knowledge I know could fit into a walnut shell. I know....not much, but more than Pam.

If you were in the room with us during a game, you'd hear a lot of screaming, a lot of, "Where's the puck?" A lot of swearing, clapping, etc. At one point I yelled, "Son of a Biscuit!" Then I yelled, "Mother Tucker!" Then "Shit!" Pam looked at me and said, "Look, if you are going to swear, then be consistent!"

After a hockey game is over, I feel like I was "rode hard and put away wet". And I don't mean that in a sexual way whatsoever!

Some interesting facts about the Stanley Cup:



This trophy is awarded annually to the National Hockey League playoff winner at the conclusion of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. In 1892, originally commissioned as the Dominion Hockey Challenge Cup, the trophy is named for Lord Stanley of Preston, who was the Governor General of Canada. The cup was awarded to the top-ranking amateur ice hockey club in 1893. In 1915, two professional hockey organizations, the National Hockey Association (NHA) and the Pacific Coast Hockey Association (PCHA) reached an agreement that their champions would compete for the Stanley Cup. After various league mergers and folds, the Stanley Cup was considered THE championship trophy of the NHL in 1926.

What is interesting is that the winning team does not keep the trophy. They are allowed to have it for their winning year, but the trophy is passed to the next Stanley Cup winning team. All the names of the team players, coaches, management and club staff are engraved on the chalice. There are five bands on the trophy. Each band can hold up to thirteen winning teams. When the bottom band band is full, the oldest band is removed and placed into the Hockey Hall of Fame. A new blank band is added to the bottom.

It is a tradition for the winning team to drink champagne out of "The Cup", "Lord Stanley's Cup", "The Holy Grail", or "Lord Stanley's Mug", all names for the Stanley Cup.

Since 1914-15, the Stanley Cup has been won a combined 94 times, by 18 active NHL teams and 5 defunct teams. The Montreal Canadians have won the cup 24 times.

The Stanley Cup was not awarded in 1919 due to the Spanish Flu epidemic and in 2005 due to the NHL lockout.

(all information on the Stanley Cup from Wikipedia)

GO HAWKS!!!


Friday, June 21, 2013

Friday's Funnies #16

Yesterday, my son again asked me why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He said that he was "only thinking about me", and suggested that I go down to the senior center, and hang out with the other old guys.

 I did this.

When I got home last night, I decided to teach him a lesson about staying out of my business.  I told him that I had joined a parachute club.

He said, "Are you nuts?  You're 70 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed him that I even had a membership card.

He looked at it and said, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!”

I told him, "Then I'm in real trouble because I've signed up for five jumps a week."

He fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can really be fun!



Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one
rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
“Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,
not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But one day St. Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, “I don't know about you, but I stepped on a DUCK!”


If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear
of laughter, that's my reward.

VICTOR BORGE

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Signs - A Tribute to Mom

While visiting my sister over the weekend, I saw a photo op for the perfect sign for this week's entry. This sign is dedicated to our Mom. Also, the red clock is a throwback to the red clock our Mom had in her kitchen, many, many years ago!


Thanks to Lesley for sponsoring the Signs Meme. Click here to see more signs.


Monday, June 17, 2013

The Armchair Book Review


It's been awhile since I've reviewed a book for you and I just finished a fast-paced, heart-pounding thriller that I'd like to tell you about.

It's called, "Criminal Enterprise" by Owen Laukkanen. It is actually the second in the series featuring FBI Special Agent Carla Windermere and Minnesota state investigator Kirk Stevens, but you can read it without reading the first book, "The Professionals". But if you are like me, and I'm sure you will be, not too soon after finishing "Criminal Enterprise", you will be scrambling to read the first book. So I will go out on a limb here, and without even READING the first book say, GO AHEAD. If you are one of those people who really want to read books in order, DO IT. The first book got rave reviews, too.

Okay, back to "Criminal Enterprise." Let's meet Carter Tomlin. He looks like he has it all. Pretty wife, two kids, high-paying accountant job, big house, fancy cars, and even a dog named Snickers. But in reality, Carter isn't doing too well. He lost his job. He can't make his bills; he has a high mortgage. His wife, Becca, is forced to go back to work. Resentment builds.

Carter has opened his own business trying to make ends meet. He gets a few measly accounts, but nothing that will pay the overwhelming stack of bills. One day he walks into a bank to try to get a loan to tide him over until he gets another job. While he's waiting for the bank manager, he realizes that there is no way the bank manager is going to loan him money.

On the spur of the moment, Carter decides that he will rob the bank. He goes to the local Walmart, buys some cheap disguise, comes back, hands the note to the teller, and walks out with a handful of cash.

Easy Peasy.

As a reader, we can almost feel sorry for Carter, and cheer him on at this point. Who hasn't felt desperate in this economy? Who doesn't need a little cash?

But then Carter gets a little cocky. He's not happy with just one bank. He robs another. And another. With each robbery, Carter's personality changes. He becomes more powerful and less human. He teams up with his secretary and they start pulling off bigger robberies using guns.

In the meantime, Windemere is hot on Carter's trail, while Stevens has actually become friends with Carter because their daughters play on the same basketball team in high school. Windemere and Stevens were partners in the first novel; now they work for two different agencies but are still friends.

I have to admit, this Carter Tomlin has one big set of cajones! This is one thriller that you won't want to put down.


Friday, June 14, 2013

Friday's Funnies #15

Oldie but a goodie:






A husband comes home late one night after drinking.

His wife was in bed with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend says "What can we do, it's too late for me to hide?"

The wife says "Stay right there, he's so drunk he won't even notice."

The husband kicks off his shoes and gets in bed. Then he noticed three sets of feet at the foot of the bed.

He says "Hey, someone is in bed with us!”

The wife says "You're just drunk, go count the feet and you will see."

He gets up and goes to the foot of the bed... then says "One, two, three, four" goes back to bed and says, "Guess you are right, only the two of us are in this bed!”



THE MOST WASTED OF ALL DAYS
IS ONE WITHOUT LAUGHTER.

e.e. cummings

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Signs - Feed the poor

This is a sign I saw hanging in the warehouse at Feed My Starving Children. Read about my volunteer experience here.



For more signs, please visit Lesley here.

Monday, June 10, 2013

WANTED: Adult Brain




So, yeah. I'm ready to sell my brain and buy a new one. I'm just not happy with the one I got.

My memory is failing. I must need a new "hard drive" or something. Let me tell you all the goofy things I have done - all within a week!

Last weekend I attended a family party. Got all gussied up, well not in a dress or anything, but more than the grubby stuff I wear around the house. I started to put my makeup on and realized that I didn't have any foundation because I had been breaking out with the two different kinds I tried recently. I KNOW. I'm too freakin' OLD to have pimples. WTF??

My sister, Pam, was coming over and we were all going to drive together (Jim included) to the party. I knew she would have makeup with her, so I waited till she arrived. Sure enough, she had some that I could borrow. I put some on and called it a day.

1) I forgot to put on blush. Now, I know you might not think this is a big deal, but, it's like putting the finishing touch on your makeup (along with lipstick, which I remembered.) Thankfully I had a few hot flashes during the meal, which pinkened my cheeks, I'm sure.

2) I wore two different earrings to this same party.  These two earrings to be exact.


No one noticed. Or said anything, anyway, THAT day. (One sister admitted to me the next day that she noticed but thought that this was the new trend!) They are completely different sizes. True they have similar colors and markings. But still. In MY defense, I WILL tell you that I planned to wear one of these earrings. I can't remember which one. But these two were stuck together in my jewelry box. So I just untangled them, and proceeded to put one in each ear. I just wasn't thinking.

I know. Therein lies the problem!

3)  My sister, Pam, and I were talking on the phone while watching the Chicago Blackhawks game. (Blackhawks vs. Bruins in the Stanley Cup this week! Yipee!) She mentioned that she had been to a Blackhawks game a few years ago with the company she works for and that they sat in a skybox.

I told her that I used to go to the Blackhawks games a long time ago with my ex, but we sat in the "knees-bleed" section (instead of "nose-bleed"). I knew as soon as I said the words that they were wrong, but I started laughing so hard that I couldn't talk.

Pam said, "Wait, what did you say? Did you say knees-bleed?"

I could barely get out a "u-huh" because I could hardly stop laughing.

She started laughing, and laughing, and laughing.

It was one of those rare moments when you really, REALLY belly laugh and you can't STOP laughing. In between gasps I said, "It feels like I am on a tilt-a-whirl and my head is being pulled back! I can't stop laughing!"

Pam continued to laugh and said, "Please stop! I'm having chest pains!"

I held the phone away from my mouth and let out a big guffaw - "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!" I wondered why Jim didn't come out of the room to see what all the commotion was about; but his TV was so dang loud he said he didn't hear a thing!

Pam and I had to hang up; then 10 minutes later she called back and we were both still laughing.

4) I got my haircut the other day by someone new. His name is Michael. What a nice guy! You know when you meet someone and you know right off the bat that you are going to be friends? This is how it was with Michael. We started kidding around right away and talking about different things. I said something like, "I'm a good driver, I'm a very good driver" and then asked, "What movie is that from?"

Michael said, "I don't know."

Me: "You know! With Al Pacino and Tom Cruise!"

"Scent of a Woman?"

"NO!"

Michael: "Well, he drives in there, even though he is blind!"

"No, no, no, no no!"

"I don't know! We're going to have to Google it!"

(All the while he's cutting my hair!)

We start talking about something else when I yell out "RAINMAN!!!"

Michael said, "That's not Al Pacino, that's DUSTIN HOFFMAN!!"

"Oh. Well, I get the two mixed up!!"

5) Same day, with Michael cutting my hair. He asked me if I believe in astrology and I said, "somewhat". I'm the kind of person who believes in it if my horoscope is good that day, you know? Anyway, he told me that he was a "Virgo". I said, "So is my husband!"

"Really?" Michael asked.

"Yes!"

"Is he an animal lover? 'Cause I just love animals!"

"Are you kidding me? Jim hates animals! Well, he doesn't hate them. But he doesn't want any! I've been wanting a pet for 29 years we've been married. But he says animals belong outside. I always kid Jim and tell him that if he dies before me, I will pick out his casket, then go straight to the pet store and get a dog, a cat, and a bird!"

Michael laughed.

"I just LOVE plants! I have tons of plants! I have 50 citrus trees in pots in my yard!"

"No, that does NOT sound like my husband!"

"Wow." Michael said. "Is he the outdoors type?"

I pictured my husband on his computer. "Uh, no."

The hour flew by, Michael did wonders on my hair, and a friendship developed. I came home beautiful, okay, better looking than when I left, and was all bubbly about my visit. I told Jim all about Michael.

"So," I said, "Michael told me he was a Virgo, and I said, so is my husband!"

Jim said, "I'm not a VIRGO, I'm a SCORPIO!"

Oh. Yeah. I knew that!

No WONDER he was totally opposite Michael.

My memory drive failed again.

See what I mean?

Where can I get a new brain?

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Feed My Starving Children - A Great Organization

I want to share with all of you a wonderful experience I had a couple of weeks ago. I volunteered a couple hours of my time to a wonderful organization called FMSC - Feed My Starving Children. They are very organized, friendly, and get the job done. Volunteers sign up in advance, on-line so FMSC knows how many volunteers to expect.

Volunteers are to show up 15 minutes before their 2-hour shift. I arrived and checked in. We were all advised to grab a hairnet and put it on, and to throw out any gum. Believe me, you quickly get over the embarrassment of wearing a hairnet since EVERYONE is wearing one. Jewelry is not allowed since we are working with food. If a person does not want to take off their wedding ring, they can wear a plastic glove.

Upon entering the warehouse, I immediately spied these flags hanging from the ceiling, representing several different countries.


I wandered around and saw this shipment board. It was June 6 so our shipment was going to Haiti.


We were instructed to sit down on these benches for a small introduction.


While waiting for everyone to arrive, pictures flashed on the TV like these:






Okay, so already I am feeling verklempt, and if it weren't for that funny hairnet photo, I might have started crying right then and there.

I started chatting up with some of the ladies. It turned out that most of the volunteers were from one company, a handful were teachers from a local college, four women were from a local garden club, and there were straggler volunteers....me and another woman.

Finally everyone had arrived and we were all seated. Sue, the worker with the BLUE hairnet (workers were distinguished from volunteers by the color of their hairnets!) began to speak.

She held up a large photo of a little girl eating a biscuit. "Do you know what this biscuit is made of?" She asked.

"Dough?" Someone yelled.

"Dirt?" Another person yelled.

"Dirt. That's right! Her mother has nothing to feed her child, so she resorts to using the hard dried up dirt to make into a biscuit for her child."


Okay. You had me at dirt. How can you not feel for these people?

We watched a short video about the mission in Haiti where the food was going that day. To you or I, this food doesn't look that tasty, personally, but to them, it's like manna from heaven.

I knew before I volunteered that there were "sit-down" positions available. I didn't think that I would be able to stand for two hours due to some health issues. So I went over to the label table.

We had to put labels on the food bag. Doesn't sound like much, but I will tell you that I worked pretty hard and straight through. My fingers were stiff for a couple of days.


Okay - don't laugh - but I asked the woman across from me to take my picture. I should have looked up because MAYBE it would have been a better picture. MAYBE.


Here are the fun women I worked with for the two hours. (The two men at the end left within the first half hour or so.)


The rest of the volunteers are getting their instructions for packing.


I really wish I could last for two hours on my feet, because it sounded like so much fun. The group split into  teams and went to each work table. The girl in red, let's call her Mary, said, "Okay. I want each team to come up with a cheer. If you don't have a cheer, I will GIVE you one. Every time you fill a box, I want to hear a cheer!" Throughout the morning we'd hear the different teams yell out. Of course, the music was cranked so loud, it was almost hard to hear YOURSELF think, let alone a team cheer. The closest team to us kept yelling, "TEAM KENYA!!"

The group would fill the plastic bag (which we put the labels on). I am not sure of the ingredients; either it was dried potato flakes or rice, dried carrots, dried corn, whatever. I just saw a team member scoop 1 cup of something, another scoop 1/4 cup of something else, another scoop 1/4 cup of something else, etc. into the bag that someone placed under the funnel. Another person weighed the bag then handed to another person who sealed the bag with a machine, handed it another person who stacked it up, then placed into a box. They worked like a well-oiled machine. And to think that more than half of the volunteers at FMSC are under the age of 18!




After two hours of laughing, talking with the other volunteers, feeling the energy pumping throughout the warehouse, the music blasting, people feeling good about themselves for doing something GOOD, it was time to clean up. The packing volunteers had to clean up their whole area; we still continued to label the bags.

Mary told the volunteers to catch all the spilled grains from the table into a bin, and also all the grains on the floor should be swept up and put into a bin. All of that grain is given to a local farmer to feed his sheep! NOTHING is wasted!

After that was done all the volunteers were called into a corner by the packed boxes. Another worker said that we would say a prayer. He wanted us to pray that the boxes arrived safely to Haiti, for the drivers of the food, for the children and people receiving the food, and the volunteers who helped pack the food. A volunteer led us in prayer.


I don't think there was a dry eye in the place. Seriously.

After that we were told to return to the benches for a final speech.

Sue said, "In 2007 a survey was taken by (?) organization, and they found that 18,000+ children were dying DAILY from starvation. The survey was taken again this year, and the numbers have dropped to a little over 6,000. Again, still too many children are dying, but that is a great decrease from 2007." (I'm sorry I don't have the name of the organization, but I wasn't taking notes and this is all strictly from memory.)

She held up these two pictures of a little girl named Shamie.


The photo on the right (as you look at it) is Shamie at three years old. She is severely malnourished, weighing only 11 pounds! Her mother began walking 2 miles each way/4 miles round trip/ 6 days a week to get the food from the Haiti mission to feed Shamie. The second picture is Shamie just a mere 4 months later! Amazing results!

Speaking of amazing results, Sue said their goal is always to pack as many boxes as there are volunteers. On this particular day we had 59 volunteers. She asked, "How many boxes do you think you packed today? More than 59, right? More than 70? More than 100?"

She revealed the number:


A total of 132 boxes! She said that would feed 78 children - get this - FOR A YEAR!!!

This is a wonderful organization and if you can find the time, I would highly recommend that you volunteer. They have facilities in IL, MN, and AZ. But! Don't despair! They have mobile sites all over the United States! Check this website here to see if they are coming near you and VOLUNTEER! You will be so glad you did!

If you would just like to contribute money to this worthy cause, click here.

I am NOT getting paid to endorse this organization; I just feel this is such a worthy cause and I wanted to spread the word.

Also, this would be a great place to take boy scouts/girl scouts, church organizations, a family outing, etc.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Friday Funnies #14

She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitch rail. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, “Hey Old Woman, have you ever danced?”

The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance….never really wanted to.”

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old woman, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old woman’s feet.

The old woman prospector - not wanting to get her toe blown off - started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman’s hands as she quietly said, “Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s backside?”

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No Ma’am….But…I’ve always wanted to.”


THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never ever be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.


The Philosophy of Ambiguity (As Well as the Idiosyncrasies of English)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for “synonym”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a “walk”?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?





If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?








Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

One nice thing about egotists; they don’t talk about other people!

How is it possible to have a Civil War?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?




Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over
and showing it principally in one place.

Josh Billings